Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

why is it taking so long to heal ?

(68 Posts)
NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 06:57:57

Me and my ex split last May mutually and for months I was fine I've done so much work on myself had therapy lost weight socialised even a few dates. Then the other day this woman sent me a photo on Facebook of her and him together for no reason other than to mark her territory ? I was really upset as I had predicted in fact that this would be who he would move on to as I saw her sniffing hound him when we was together and they are old friends. Suddenly I was propelled back to the beginning of our split I haven't eaten for weeks from pure sickness and adrenaline. On top of that he actually hasn't left me alone what so ever. As an example he left a rose on my car for valentines. I haven't actively chased him but I do still love him we just argued all the time when we was together. Last week I went to the emergency dr and got prescribed beta blockers and ups my anti depressants but I can't sleep even! It's really hard as I do night shifts so sleep is important and the anxiety despite the beta blockers is so bad. I've re booked for more therapy as in aware this level of fear and anxiety just can't be normal can it ! I'm struggling quite badly here so any advice ! ANY would be so gladly receivedconfused

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 07:01:56

So far I've done "the shit list" a list compiled of all the shit stuff about him to read. I keep blocking and in blocking him off my phone ! I know I should just block but I'm bloody weak ! I've got rid of my social medias so no one can hurt me through that and I've been listening to Beyoncé power ballads such as "single ladies" still feel shit sad

HarlowsMummy90 Sat 26-Mar-16 07:26:25

Hey there,

I completely know what you're going through. Recently my ex boyfriend of 4 years left me out of the blue - no excuse or reason really. I found out last night he was with another girl, never saw that one coming!!

Just like you I have been propelled backwards, I was starting to eat again and sleep normally - now I completely cannot eat or sleep. I was so down in the dumps after my break up that I actually attempted suicide, I thought my daughter would be better off without me.

My advice to you is to stick out the therapy, I'm not going to tell you to try and eat as I know that isn't possible at this stage. I would also recommend you block him and ANYONE he may be involved with on things such as Facebook, aswell as his number. If the worst comes to the worst I would contact him and tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone you will file for a restraining order. You need him out of sight and out of mind to eventually heal.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 07:43:04

Thank you Harlow and I'm sorry to you sounds awful too. It helps to have support on here and no we are not alone xxxxthanks

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 08:13:26

I had therapy for 6 weeks last year and it was the best thing it really helped me turn a big corner but then I've had to wait a few months to re start more because it's on the NHS. Yes to the restraining order I think. Funny thing was I threatened that the day before I received this photo. Then ofcourse something in me panicked and seeing him cuddled up with her gave me horrendous nightmares and just extreme jealous feelings so I feel like I made a mistake. I will say j have a date with a fire man on Tuesday and he looks nice from his photos. I really want to be in the right head space when I go out on this date.

nina99ballons Sat 26-Mar-16 08:47:17

I've always found yoga or mediation really helpful during break ups. I think it's normal to have his and downs, it's just about being able to manage them.

Bree85 Sat 26-Mar-16 18:26:28

Oh gosh! That is awful. Why he is not leaving you completely? Be strong. Just remember you deserve better than what he offers you. Don't give up. Don't give them the power to see you as the loser here.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 18:57:57

I don't know Bree he always says he still loves me or cares about me or is worried about me. I feel slightly stronger now that I've managed to have a good sleep.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 18:59:40

Yes Nina I got a meditation audiobook but I have been unable to focus on anything like that which I normally enjoy. I guess I was wondering how normal it is to have this level of agony after this long. And from what people are saying it is the norm. Onwards and upwards X

pocketsaviour Sat 26-Mar-16 19:42:37

The longer he stays in contact, the longer it's going to take to heal - in fact it's going to be impossible until the dithery cunt fucks off for good.

You're not helping yourself with the blocking and unblocking shit.

Can you speak to a RL friend and ask them for moral support with blocking his number for good, and speaking to the police if his harassment continues? Then every time you feel yourself weakening, text that friend and say "I want to unblock him, help me!!" Or come and post here if you haven't got any friends who are the ball-busting hard-arses that you need. There's plenty of us round these parts grin

NeckingtheNightNurse Sat 26-Mar-16 19:54:53

Thanks Pocket ! You are of course right. I do have a friend who said she would monitor my phone I need a plan of action and I feel ready to implement it. I love Mumsnet for the slap of reality I needed ! X

tiredofeverything Sat 26-Mar-16 20:12:19

Hi night nurse I feel your pain. Seems I can neither keep him or rid of him. I can't bring myself to block him or at least not for long. I'm ok for a good few days when I'm angry them he just seems to know when I weaken then makes contact again only to stir up emotions then leave again.
When you find the strength to go forward let me know and give me some smile.

FluffyPersian Sat 26-Mar-16 20:44:25

It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, but he likes the idea that you're in love with him, which is quite frankly.. very cruel.

What normal person tells you they love you and leaves roses on valentines day if they're in a relationship with someone else (I'm assuming he was in a relationship with this new woman on 14th Feb?).

Also.. what normal person sends you a picture of them and your ex 'Just to make their territory'? No wonder you're having a hard time of the whole thing.

As hard as it is, I'd block him... On your phone, email, Facebook etc... You don't need to hear him telling you he loves you, nor for him to do stupid things if he's in a relationship with another woman - It sounds like this woman is rather insecure if she's sending you photos of your ex and her (not to mention, incredibly immature).

Kirk123 Sat 26-Mar-16 22:08:21

Please let me know too night nurse and tired of everything, how to stop being addicted to them , avyear on for me , blocking and unblocking is my life , hate him but I am addicted to the buttons he presses, today I am angry !

tiredofeverything Sat 26-Mar-16 22:13:12

Kirk today I have been angry in love and upset all in one day. I need to know how to end it and have him stay away. I'm not sure how I put up with this treatment sad. For the past 6 months he has behaved like a single man for most part but as soon as I start to walk he pulls me back .

NeckingtheNightNurse Sun 27-Mar-16 11:01:42

Yes fluffy he was with this other woman for a couple of months unbeknownst to me including when he left the Rose. It is a complete mess of my feelings. It has helped getting responses on here if anything to just see the situation outlined more clearly for what it is.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sun 27-Mar-16 11:02:39

Tired and kirk perhaps we can start a little support group on here ! X

Abecedario Sun 27-Mar-16 11:22:53

I think as long as he was in contact, saying he still loved you etc, it wasn't really over and so, whilst you made fantastic personal progress and should ld be proud, you didn't get to heal and let go properly. Maybe seeing this other woman, the way she just randomly intruded into your life and your space really unsettled things, I can understand that causing anxiety. Plus you now have to really and truly have to put it behind you, you know you have to but feel anxious and scared of doing so (hence the blocking and unblocking). Not sure I followed your last post correctly but are you saying he was cheating with her?

My ex left me after 12+ years (together since 16) a week before our wedding for seemingly no reason. Just when I was getting to the point I could eat without throwing up and sleep a little bit without knocking myself out I found out he was cheating, just as I was starting to process the headfuck of that it turns out she's pregnant. Just about killed me, and it took such a long time, I'm talking years, to heal. But I can tell you for sure that that didn't start until we were 100% no contact. To be honest, I got my head round 'loosing' him and not being with him really quickly, but coming to terms with the betrayal, deceit, humiliation and hurt took a really long time. Another thing, and I'm not sure this is true in your case, but I was hung up on the idea of being dignified and keeping the high ground. That's all very well and did save me some future embarrassment probably, but it was only when I thought 'sod that' and got really fucking angry and let myself feel that, that I was able to let go.

Feel your feelings, don't beat yourself up that you 'should' be feeling x y or z, or you 'should' be over it by now. Give yourself a day or two to really wallow, let it in a little bit, I bet you'll find its much more manageable afterwards. Well done on all the work on yourself, keep that up and honestly, really really go no contact. If you feel compelled to message him something text it to a friend instead (pre warn them!) or post it on here.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sun 27-Mar-16 11:41:33

Thanks for that message Abe yes I will go no contact and I'm finding great support on here all ready. I have a date with a dishy looking fireman on Tuesday so I'm sure that is going to help me at least. I'm feeling angry right now for the nerve of him. He has called me twice this morning. Since then I not only blocked but deleted his number and I don't know it off by heart so this should help.

HoppingForward Sun 27-Mar-16 11:41:47

Very good advice by Abe As much as I don't want my ex there are children involved so we have to have some level of contact.

I wish I knew how to make my self feel better not eating and drinking too much white wine can't go in for ever!

I think I need to do a shit list but just wanted to agree with blocking all that can invade your day, you will feel so much better for it.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sun 27-Mar-16 12:27:52

Thanks hopping ! Once I started my shit list it went on and on ! This morning I've watching some dating with dignity YouTube videos and they have been quite uplifting. The twisting in my gut continues but in the words of YAZZ "the only way is up"

tiredofeverything Sun 27-Mar-16 12:39:39

Nurse a support group thread is good. I cannot do this alone. RL friends say that I am allowing this to happen but they don't quite understand how he gets into your head.

NeckingtheNightNurse Sun 27-Mar-16 13:08:22

I barely speak of my troubles to RL friends and family as I found it all too humiliating. I've got a few friends I go too but most of the time I'd rather keep things to myself. I can't wait for my therapy to start again it can't come soon enough. I've started throwing anything out today that reminds me of him like the cup he used. I read somewhere having a boyfriend bonfire helps ! Lol as in letters and photos and keepsakes anything like that. I don't think I have anything left to have a bonfire ceremony !

HoppingForward Sun 27-Mar-16 13:23:17

I went through all the boxes of photos and cards etc, we were married 15 years. Every single "happy" photo I could recall a horrible memory behind, it's so saddening.

I wish I could just feel better, it was such an unhappy marriage but I can't help feeling so lonely, I know he has moved on and all whilst still sending me I love you messages.

Some people can't be honest and need a fall back plan I suppose.

tiredofeverything Sun 27-Mar-16 13:27:25

Bonfire sounds good! I get as far as filling up the black bag but that's all. I fear if I chuck it out we will get back together confused and I'll have explaining to do. Stupid I know. We never really seem to be finished, just going back and forth, together, him not speaking, together, me not speaking on and on. It's hideous sad.
Wish I had a date with a fireman. wink

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now