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Mummy friends: time to call it a day?

(12 Posts)
flakinator Fri 25-Mar-16 20:06:14

Luckily, during my entire pregnancy, I had a fellow mummy friend who was due to have her baby 1 week afterwards. We talked babies all the way through and we were there for each other having started out 'friends of friends' and ended up as good friends by the time our babies were born 4 days apart.
Our boys were introduced very early on and we began facing the same difficulties, both boys had colic and both of us struggled mentally as a result and we acted as a support for each other. She was fantastic for me at the time and I know I helped her too.
My mummy friend was a little intense at times and would request to spend time with us very regularly. So a few times I made out I was busy so that DS and I could have a bit of space and time alone together rather than see my friend all the time.

As time edged closer to returning to work from our mat leave, I became aware that I wasnt giving DS my time or attention whenever we were spending time with my friend. She seemed to take up all my attention and energy when I wanted to enjoy the time I had left with DS and was very gushy about her own DS; I felt she would divert my attention from my own DS to hers constantly. She seemed to have lot of 'problems' all the time, many that weren't really problems, so I feel she needed my input and help constantly.
As a result, I pulled away a little. I still wanted and appreciatd her friendship but I needed a bit of space to enjoy my own DS. I shortened our meet ups and made sure that DS got my attention even when she was around.

The outcome has been a little negative. At first my friend appeared to become a bit flustered when I was giving my own DS attention during our meet ups, but I thought she would soon accept it as the norm.

The friend has now however pulled away completely. I do still value her friendship and I'm now feeling a little left out. Our meet up days have evaporated completely as my friend has found other friends to spend her time with and doesn't invite me along at all.
I've tried to build things back up to a healthy friendship but get the feeling that unless I am able to meet her terms and give her and her DS 100% attention, listen to all her problems, never revealing any of my own then she's not that interested.

She has been a very good friend to me in the past when we were going through much of the same thins so don't want to lose her friendship completely. However it looks that way. I'm now finding it quite lonely on the days I'm off with DS as I don't have many other mummy friends to socialise with. I miss her, but don't want an intense friendship like in the beginning.
Is our friendship worth saving or time to walk away?

poocatcherchampion Fri 25-Mar-16 20:10:01

You need to make more friends.

It all sounds way too intense. You are over thinking.

spanky2 Fri 25-Mar-16 20:16:11

You did want more time with your ds though. I learnt that most of my mummy friends for ds1 had nothing in common with me except having children at the same time. Really, one even took cocaine... I'm really square and haven't taken drugs ever. Don't look for friendship, and it will come naturally. Tbh I found the babies/toddler years abit dull sometimes!

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 25-Mar-16 20:19:25

She doesn't want a more balanced friendship though - she was quite happy the way it was before. In a way, she's respected your wishes by giving you the space you wanted - if she was properly selfish she'd have got the hump with you and had a go.

I'm sorry that you feel lonely now though - it is natural to want something between full-on intensity and absence!

TunnocksInAHammock Fri 25-Mar-16 20:24:43

Wow, no leave it as it is. It has auto sorted! She can't be the type of friend you want and she is inflicting herself on finding new friends so that is excellent news. Friendship is fluid, you don't want this draining person in your life.

thenewaveragebear1983 Fri 25-Mar-16 20:37:13

You don't mention how old your babies are now, but I have found that my baby/mummy friendships take a massive hit when suddenly you're each chasing after your own toddler in opposite directions, when they get to 18months-2years ish. You won't be able to devote attention to her ds at the expense of your own's safety. She sounds high maintenance as a friend, but I have friends like that too and it is still preferable to being lonely...

DirtyHarrietOnABike Fri 25-Mar-16 20:40:49

Time to move on, I think. Have one last meeting and say your goodbyes in a civilised manner, if possible. Then find a less demanding friend to replace her. Nothing in life is forever, unfortunately.

BackInTheRealWorld Fri 25-Mar-16 20:47:01

Mummy friends??? Urgh.

flakinator Fri 25-Mar-16 21:10:10

Our babies recently turned a year old.
I have perhaps painted her in too much of a negative light. When things were more on 'her terms' she actually did a lot to help me. I remember her doing a full grocery shop for me when all of us had s&d for 4 days, I just mentioned we had nothing in and she turned up at the house with bags of shopping.
But then I guess this fits in with 'intense' behaviour. It seemed so kind at the time and it must have been quite a drain on her own time with a young DS of her own to take care of. But I guess it is a little out there.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Fri 25-Mar-16 21:45:59

I'd have hated that, to be honest. It all sounds a bit heavy.

But then I didn't have any 'mummy friends' either. Presumably you have some real friemds too?

TunnocksInAHammock Sat 26-Mar-16 03:00:21

OP I don't think your friend bringing you a load of shopping is 'out there' it's normal friend behaviour surely? I have a friend who has made mortgage payments for me and I her and she rang me to go and check that her father was dead (he was) I have done big things and small things to aid her life & vice versa but we don't crowd each other or get heavy or demanding. I suspect your friend is a narc and her getting the shopping was as much for her benefit as yours IYSWIM? Normal dudes are friends without expectation. That is what being a mate is all about, although the next time she asks me to go check someone for a pulse it's over and she knows it grin

crazyhead Sat 26-Mar-16 07:25:49

I think this is one of those rare situations where you don't have to 'do' anything. Just be a bit relaxed and the friendship will fall into a new phase or end. New baby is like start of university as an undergrad - quite an intense time where you form intense new relationships with people sometimes very different to you. The years following this stage will show which ones really suited you

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