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Child's jealous behaviour..... more common from a partner

(9 Posts)
Annanentity Fri 25-Mar-16 20:01:00

I wasn't quite sure how to word title as I wanted to describe something that comes under sibling jealousy/rivalry but is more akin to the jealousy you experience from a partner.

I have had jealous partners in the past and what I experience from my daughter is more akin to that. I.e. when she was small I couldn't talk to anyone else without her interrupting or trying to get the attention back to her. Now I know this is common in young children. now 8 she doesn't do that so much but if her sister comes and cuddles me she will frequently throw herself at me or complain. I do show DD an equal amount of attention but she has never been particularly cuddly, used to refuse kisses and cuddles.. won't sit on my lap now. But woe betide I ever pick up the youngest and swing her... I have to do the exact same thing, the exact number of times and if I do want to do something that she thinks I can't do to her ( because she is too heavy) she fusses and whines about it. when I was still picking the younger one up when she was tired, she would whine and moan and I'd have to pick her up for a bit (she was 7).

Often she will ask me who I love best and says "You are only allowed to pick one". Of course I come out with some diplomatic answer. Her fantasy is that she lives with me whilst her sister goes to live with her father. "why did you have DD2".

I try to do everything to ensure things are fair.... if anything I overcompensate her ( I know this is wrong) but jealousy is a horrible emotion... so exhausting...

I know the root cause is her anxiety/ attachment issues but I read so much about people with jealous partners but rarely about people being the object of their child's own jealousy. With a jealous partner we are told it's not rational, it's a kind of madness and probably advised to walk away... but what can I do with a child.... I've told her I can't cut myself in half... I know it's a common emotion when a new baby is born but 8 years later.....She does play with DD2 really well most of the time and would be lost without her but she spends her whole life have to be number one in my eyes and asking me to prove it in hers

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 25-Mar-16 20:06:01

I have one like this - it's so much hard work!!

She's nearly 12 now and only just growing out of it!!

I feel like her possessiveness pushes me away which makes it worse.

She just wants me and her to go to Asda if DD1 wants to come it's a huge strop and she won't go.

Constantly in my face - it's exhausting!

Sorry no advice there really

Annanentity Fri 25-Mar-16 20:11:56

Thanks Sally. Good to hear from someone who understands. Do you find it's worse when she's tired?

I had a day at home with DD recently and she was an absolute delight a breeze... the moment DD2 came back in she started..... and it was such hard work again.

RandomMess Fri 25-Mar-16 20:16:36

Have you read "Siblings without Rivalry" I would highly highly recommend it plus the book they wrote first "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"

In a nutshell the more you help your DD identify her feelings and allow her to express them the less of an issue they will be!!!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 25-Mar-16 20:32:57

Tiredness plays a huge part especially if she's been on a plus aye/party etc

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 25-Mar-16 20:33:10

Play date

Annanentity Fri 25-Mar-16 20:34:52

Hi Random,

Yes I read these when my DD2 was first born. I have always followed that sort of parenting philosophy anyway. I practiced attachment parenting ( some good it did as I have a totally insecure child!). I do constantly talk about the difficulties of having a sibling, how tough it feels... do everything I can to reassure and boost esteem.... Things are improving on the general anxiety side.... but the jealousy and possessiveness remain strong

Annanentity Fri 25-Mar-16 20:39:55

Didn't mean to dismiss what your saying though... I should look at the books again as maybe the techniques will be more relevant now.

I know I should let her express her feelings but I suppose I try to reassure her too much.... reassurance doesn't work.... I guess I just have to let her cry and be unreasonable and not try to talk her round so much

RandomMess Fri 25-Mar-16 20:50:09

Yes I'd reread. The more "equal" you make things the more she could be looking for what isn't "equal" it's about being fair, and doing what is right for each of them??

I honestly think with 2 dc it is the most difficult as it is such direct competition!!!

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