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How to tell my best friend I am pregnant

(71 Posts)
4ChucksnaTomatoPlant Fri 25-Mar-16 11:15:35

She had a very traumatic ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage last year and has been struggling with depression ever since.

We've been best friends since we were 10. She has always been worried about trying to conceive because of a family history, so it's an anxiety that has always been there.

I have a DD who is 3 and when I was pregnant with her it wasn't as bad becaus although my BF was anxious about her ability to fall pregnant, she and her then BF were only just planning their wedding etc and didn't intent to try for at least another year.

She was thrilled when she got pregnant and then it ended horribly.

I have no idea how to tell her, I don't want to hurt her but I know it will. She has already come off Facebook and cut off friends who are insensitive and talk babies all the time.

She buys DD Xmas and birthday presents but never wants to see her. We speak almost everyday and see each other quite regularly but always alone or with friends. She hasn't asked how DD is since October. This makes me feel sad and a little bit resentful although I remind myself it's nothing compared to how she feels. I'm aware that's pretty selfish of me.

I was thinking of going round to her house and sitting down to tell her but don't know if I should do it another way so she can shout and ball without me there?

What on earth will I say?!

I am really happy to be pregnant and we are so excited, but this is all I can think about.

Spandexpants007 Fri 25-Mar-16 11:18:19

Email or text her. Arrange to meet up but only chat about it if she raises the subject. It can be painful for her but she's a good friend and wouldn't want you to face the same struggles.

GashleyCrumbTiny Fri 25-Mar-16 11:22:33

I would phone. It's friendlier and less 'arms- length' than email, not so casual and throw away as a text. But it gives her more space than turning up in person. I'd say I had some news I was happy about but understood she might find a bit hard. Go from there depending on reaction.

Congratulations, by the way!

ImperialBlether Fri 25-Mar-16 11:25:36

I would send an email. She'll struggle with the news at first and the phone or face to face would be too much for her. You can say what you want in an email and let her read it alone and absorb it. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Flutterworc Fri 25-Mar-16 11:26:12

Three scenarios to contextualise my response:
-We struggled for a long time and our friends (who had only just met, but have since got married) caught on quickly and worried about telling us.
- Things switched around when we had our miracle conception and their second was a 22wk stillbirth.
- My multitude of cousin were incredibly fecund, and my DH/DM decided not to tell me that one of them was having number two whilst we were pursuing fertility treatment, which I resented completely.

Suffice to say, I've been in both places. It's incredibly painful seeing people easily managing something that it so difficult for you, but it it no less painful having secrets. My advice would be to send her a card or similar so she can react naturally without having to worry about hurting your feelings - be tactful in the message 'I wanted to let you know that we are expecting number 2 - I'd love to be able to talk to you about how excited we are, but understand if that isn't something you can do. Even if you can't, it's be lovely for us to have a catch up and a girlie night in (or similar)'

Good luck navigating a difficult situation!

bunnywabbit12 Fri 25-Mar-16 11:27:56

Text text text!

She can then be as upset as she likes without feeling she has to pretend not to be

Tell her by text and ask her when she's free to meet up

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Fri 25-Mar-16 11:29:51

Do not tell her face to face or on the phone!

Text or email and leave the ball in her court. It may take some time for her to get back to you.

antiqueroadhoe Fri 25-Mar-16 11:29:52

Tell her by text- gives her time to get herself together.

Cosycottage4 Fri 25-Mar-16 11:30:27

Watching with interest as I'm in a similar situation. I'm now 13 weeks and know I can't leave it much longer but just can't find the words to tell her...

OurBlanche Fri 25-Mar-16 14:17:51

Fuck! I feel so old! Please, don't text. That is so very cold, distant, impersonal.

You shouldn't feel in any way guilty about your news, her fertility issues do not stem from you. f she chooses to cut people off then she is only making herself more miserable. Meet her, or ring her if you can't face that, and say something along the lines of "I wanted to tell you first as I know it will cause you some sadness...'

If she shouts and balls at you you can tell her she is being unreasonable. That whilst you understand her grief she has no right to be angry... and then walk away. But please don't second guess her, assume you know how she will react. Treat her as a friend... don't text!

Msrichardofyork Fri 25-Mar-16 14:22:56

OurBlanche seriously? No, her fertility issues don't have anything to do with the OP but a good friend will have some compassion and understand she might struggle to be happy for others, when her own situation is so hard. Your response would come across as incredibly me me me.

Melbournemel Fri 25-Mar-16 14:27:43

ourblanche it's a very delicate situation and telling her friend that she is being unreasonable and has no right to be angry is probably the worst thing the op could do. You cannot understand what it is like to be in that situation unless you have personally been there.

OurBlanche Fri 25-Mar-16 14:30:43

Yes. I am serious.

Compassion, for me, would mean taking a deep breath and talking to my friend and then remaining her friend whatever her reaction. But it would also involve me being happy that I was expecting and not allowing her grief/anger etc ruin my life.

At some point every adult has to be 100% responsible for their behaviour. IN this instance both the OP and her friend have to get their heads around the reality of their differing situations. Neither of them has the right to presume they know best for the other, or that their emotions are more important.

Sending this news in a text is a cruel, heartless thing to do, in my non fb/social media addicted opinion.

Being a good friend is having a proper conversation, allowing a friend to react as they will. Then looking after myself, if that reaction is hostile.

In what way is advising OP NOT to take the coward's route 'me me me'?

In what way is telling OP that she may be selling her friend short 'me me me'?

In what way is advising OP that she also needs to look after herself and her family 'me me me'?

bearleftmonkeyright Fri 25-Mar-16 14:38:41

I am with our Blanche on this. I had a friend who had was struggling to get pregnant and I when I had my DD our friendship became unworkable. I had to think of myself. I had been through a very traumatic time also but she couldn't be happy for me and yet I was sad for her. She has since adopted two children but I have not seen her for years. It just became too upsetting for both of us.

Msrichardofyork Fri 25-Mar-16 14:40:24

It's not cowardly to allow her friend the time and space to absorb the news, without being forced to react on the spot. Sometimes a text/email is appropriate. It's nothing to do with social media addiction, don't be ridiculous.

My daughter was stillborn two years ago and the best thing people could do for me is allow me to keep my dignity and respond appropriately once I'd dealt with the initial sting these announcements always carry.

OurBlanche Fri 25-Mar-16 14:46:01

I am not being ridiculous. If you like texts, fb etc then fine. But, as I originally said, it makes me feel so old and divorced from society where a text takes place of a conversation, face to face or by phone.

To me it is a cowardly route... pop off a quick text and not have to see/hear/help a good friend deal with a situation in your life that know will cause her grief? No thanks.

MrsHenryCrawford Fri 25-Mar-16 14:46:24

Definitely tell her via text. I went through 4years of infertility and I much preferred to get news of other people's pregnancies via text. This gave me a chance to have a cry in private and pull myself together enough to smile the next time I saw them.

Ilikesweetpeas Fri 25-Mar-16 14:48:23

When I was in your friends' situation I would have wanted a text. This enabled me to cry in private

Chocolatteaddict1 Fri 25-Mar-16 14:52:12

I agree with ourblanch and I was/am in a similar situation.

I was infertile for ten years and was basicslly told to forget it by gp, while I watched all my friends have babies and I never once made any of them worried or concerned for me. My infertility was my issue. I wasn't going to let my friends carry my fertility issue around with them. I then had Two eptopics and a miscarriage which fucked with my head big time.

Im pregnant now and my close friend has just had a miscarriage, there was two days between us. I'm devistated for her but we are both old enough to know life goes on.

op just be honest with her and don't hide your children.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 25-Mar-16 14:52:46

It won't be a surprise to her so she is probably dreading you telling her already (sorry). If I were you I'd warn her in an unsubtle way eg drop hints about being tired, or say you look forward to seeing her as you have some good news to share. She will then have chance to be upset on her own and prepare for when you actually tell her.

This is hard for you both. I think the main thing is that she finds it out from you and not someone else.

eastpregnant Fri 25-Mar-16 14:54:47

On these threads there are always two types of people. Those who advocate face to face/phone calls as it's more personal. And those who suggest email/text as it allows the person receiving the message more privacy and space to process the news however they want to.

Personally if it were me I'd prefer the latter, but I think it depends on your friend's personality.

Then there's those who suggest "I know you will find this difficult news" type wording. I would absolutely hate that as I'd be upset my friend thought I couldn't be happy for her. But obviously the people suggesting that wording wouldn't take it that way!

So in summary, I think so much of it will depend on the type of person your friend is. But I think it's really kind of you to put so much thought into it and want to protect her feelings.

Chocolatteaddict1 Fri 25-Mar-16 14:56:39

Then there's those who suggest "I know you will find this difficult news" type wording. I would absolutely hate that as I'd be upset my friend thought I couldn't be happy for her

^^ this

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Fri 25-Mar-16 14:59:09

In a text or email and tbh I would have found any mention of my fertility issues (however oblique) incredibly painful and humiliating. I never wanted for people to feel sorry for me.

My bf just told me about her two pregnancies in v matter of fact terms. We both knew it was hard for me - we didn't need to address it then and there.

PurpleDaisies Fri 25-Mar-16 15:03:34

Then there's those who suggest "I know you will find this difficult news" type wording. I would absolutely hate that as I'd be upset my friend thought I couldn't be happy for her

I agree-I've had trouble conceiving. The best way to tell your friend (only in my own experience) is to send her a text on an evening when you know she'll be at home and say you've got some happy news, you're pregnant, baby is due whenever and leave it at that. No need to say she'll find it hard. Don't send scan pics! You'd think that goes without saying...

InsufficientlyCaffeinated Fri 25-Mar-16 15:17:40

How do you normally communicate? Let that guide you. I hate talking on the phone at the best of times so really wouldn't appreciate somebody calling me with such emotional content (although I'd probably let the call go to voicemail). But that's MY preference. You'll know how she normally prefers to communicate.

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