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how do you interpret this?

(14 Posts)
hawleybits Fri 25-Mar-16 09:28:27

Dp and I have a very good relationship, we don't live together but communicate well and have known one another for several years.

Things haven't always been this good and we have had to learn to get better at understanding one another, which I believe we do.

I have a niggle though, about the way Dp responds if we've had a fall out. He will always say, either, 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'I'm sorry if that's how I came across, it wasn't my intention'. To me, that's an apology but, makes me feel like he doesn't accept responsibility for his actions and that I'm misinterpreting the things he's said. I am stubborn at times but I always say, sorry in a more straightforward way.

We've had years of this and we always return to normal pretty quickly so it might seem trivial but is it the right way to apologise?

abbsismyhero Fri 25-Mar-16 09:29:46

it's a non apology he is apologising for you he is not apologising for what he has caused

Joysmum Fri 25-Mar-16 09:30:58

I say that when I believe in right but I'm sorry my DH is impacted negatively by my beliefs...but I'm still right.

In other words, agree to disagree whilst acknowledging he's upset.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 25-Mar-16 09:33:00

It depends what you were arguing about and if he had done something wrong.

I do say I'm sorry I upset you it wasn't my intention. I think that's valid but it depends on the argument.

hawleybits Fri 25-Mar-16 09:36:59

It doesn't seem to matter what the argument is about, he will always respond in the same way. So, I can never say he doesn't apologise but I'm sometimes left feeling frustrated.

onthestraightandnarrow Fri 25-Mar-16 10:00:07

I might be unusual in my opinion but I think he's being honest. He's acknowledging that you have different perspectives and he sees things differently to you. He's not saying sorry just to make you happy when he doesn't really mean it.

Personally i think most people try to do their best and don't deliberately set out to upset others. I think what he is saying is that he did what he thought was right at the time but that's not how you have interpreted it. Of course, it depends on the circumstances; if he's just run over your cat then maybe a straightforward I'm sorry is better.

Joysmum Fri 25-Mar-16 10:01:22

Agreeing to disagree can be very frustrating and that's normal.

I think the issue comes if those words aren't delivered with heartfelt sorrow that you're upset and just a script that's been delivered. Or if it's in response to something where he was in the wrong and he won't even acknowledge he's wrong.

If it's either of those 2 scenarios then you've got problems. If it's just s normal agree to disagree then that's ok.

hawleybits Fri 25-Mar-16 10:08:50

We really don't have major problems. It's more to do with the fact, we are, on the whole, very happy but when we do disagree I'm frustrated by the fact he can't just admit to being a dick or, out and say, 'sorry, I shouldn't have said /done/sulked' he will only ever volunteer his usual response.

Joysmum Fri 25-Mar-16 10:19:26

My DH has a trait of not liking to admit he's wrong. I have a trait of always admitting I'm wrong, even before people have noticed or when it's not important because I hate being wrong so like to turn things around quickly. That used to be combined with me not liking to to upset the apple cart.

As I've got older I've moved past that and have no issues of asking him to explain his (wrong) stance so he ties himself up in knots and then asking him if he still thinks that way. I don't do it gloatingly, just with an interested air of liking to know.

That might well sound awful but there was no way I could live with anyone who has no humility or understanding.

Interestingly he's good at his job because those traits are assets in his line of work and I would be rubbish at his job because I'm not like that. When we went to his xmas do 4 different people asked me how I could live with him! Little do they realise that he's not the same person at home as he is at work although could be if left unchecked smile

firesidechat Fri 25-Mar-16 10:37:54

If he has never said a straightforward "I'm sorry" and all his apologies are as you describe then I do think it's a problem. It implies that he never thinks he's wrong and that can't be right. No one is right 100% of the time.

Yes it would be a problem for me, but both me and my husband are pretty good at saying I'm sorry and not feeling demeaned. Saying sorry isn't a sign of weakness, although many seem to see it that way. I suspect your partner is one of them.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 25-Mar-16 12:10:06

"I'm sorry you feel like that" is shitty because it puts the onus on you for having feelings.

"I'm sorry if that's how I came across; it wasn't my intention" is fine, because he's acknowledging his own action.

But I agree with fireside: someone who systematically can't accept being in the wrong is bad news. They don't make for very good partners since there always has to be someone else to cast the blame on (you).

something2say Fri 25-Mar-16 12:18:31

I agree with the prevailing winds. What he is doing is not apologising really. Never wrong, you are wrong for feeling the way you do. It's a problem.

hawleybits Fri 25-Mar-16 21:36:16

Mixed opinions then?

I definitely find it very frustrating but he's not argumentative or stroppy. It's just if we fall out - I'm usually made to feel I've misunderstood the situation, when actually, I'm fairly astute.

Slowdecrease Thu 07-Apr-16 09:40:50

All fall outs are basically misunderstandings though aren't they...differences of opinion etc. Unless I've genuinely really fucked up and solely done the wrong thing I will generally say "I'm sorry this made you feel bad" or something similiar. It's too easy to get into the habit for apologising profusely for every relationship glitch at which point I think it makes the other person become more sensitive and accusatory. This way I believe keeps it on an even and fair keel.

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