Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Loss of sex life

(4 Posts)
sadsausage Fri 25-Mar-16 09:22:41

Hi everyone,

I'm a long-time lurker and I've been wanting to post about this for ages but was worried people would just tell me I'm in a shit relationship. I don't think I am, but it's complicated.

We've been together seven years, married for two. In the beginning we had a good sex life, both of us wanted to DTD very regularly, we experimented with different things including roleplay and toys, we had fun.

Now we very rarely have sex, and I find myself getting worried and upset about it.

I went on the pill for horrible adult acne that started a few years ago, and that killed my libido, but I don't think I really realized it was that at the time because it coincided with us living separately for a year due to work reasons (before we got married). We travelled to see each other almost every weekend but it was a long journey and we were always so tired and never seemed to want to have sex, preferring to just cuddle up and watch movies. Still intimate, but not sexual.

Since then I have gained weight and now can't bear to be naked in front of my husband. He's a slim man in good shape and I just hate the sight of myself. I'm not yet 30 but for some reason the same diets and exercise I used to follow don't shift the weight easily any more. I feel so unattractive. My husband tries to make me feel good about myself but I found myself snapping at him so he has stopped trying to convince me to take my nightie off during sex. He rarely makes a move on me now.

Right now, it has been two months since we had sex, and the last time it ended with him not being able to maintain his erection. This has happened a few times in the past, usually when he's been drinking.

Recently I tried to talk to him about the loss of our sex life because I don't want to give up on it, I want to work at it, I love him very dearly. But he feels embarrassed about losing his erection. I said, I'm sorry I know I'm not slim and attractive any more and he insisted it wasn't that, that he's embarrassed because he thinks he has ED. I don't know 100% that he doesn't secretly use porn, but I highly doubt it. We have one laptop which I use for work in my office room and we live in a very small flat so I would know if he was secretly wanking in the evenings. We usually just sit and watch TV together.

I'm sad because I don't want us to just turn into a relationship that is friends rather than lovers. I don't know where to begin and feel lonely and sad. Can anybody give me some advice?

Chorltonswheelies422 Fri 25-Mar-16 09:34:03

Kiss him. Hug him, tell him how much you love him. Get out in the sunshine today for a walk, hold his hand. Smooch like teenagers. Reconnect and laugh together. Tell him how special it was to become his wife.

That's my advice for starters - just focus on reconnecting. Then take any next steps together but don't focus on them right now.

Heatherjayne1972 Fri 25-Mar-16 10:56:04

Sounds to me he feels like a 'failure' for the ED. maybe suggest a trip to the GP to get checked out. GP might prescribe some viagra or similar
You on the other hand feel that your larger than you want to be and therefore he doesn't fancy you - I bet he does
Have you talked to him ?

dumbshmuk Sat 26-Mar-16 16:07:57

yeah the pill is known to have that side effect. You may want to try a different form of BC like the depo shot. Alcohol is known to have a negative effect on erections despite its cause of many sexual encounters lol. and internet porn addiction does cause ED. Was it a one time thing or ongoing? His losing his erection may have hurt your confidence(and it shouldn't) but I assure you it hurt his 100x more. I assure you it wasn't you. Men feel that they should be able to perform at their woman's command no matter what. Try making out for extended periods of time before jumping into sex to help get you revved up. If his Ed is a problem try oral then quickly jumping on it. Start working out to help you lose weight for your self confidence. But look out many women who have libido problems start going to the gym and end up cheating with some dude at the gym.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now