Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Thank You(5 Posts)
I have lurked here for many years, joined a couple of years ago but rarely posted. However, after my FDR hearing this week I wanted to say a huge thank you to all you MNs that contribute to the relationship board.
When I discovered by husband's affair and he began following the script by minimising (only recognised due to reading experiences on here) I gave him 15 minutes to pack and leave the house, got him to agree to his infidelity and maintenance (signed agreement - not binding but helped during my MPS hearing when he reduced maintenance with no warning). Saw solicitor within a week to start divorce proceedings, had counselling, organised paperwork and finances so all transparent and whiter than white unlike his Form E.
Ripping the plaster off in one go by kicking him out as soon as I discovered his affair was the best thing I could have done - the pick me dance was contemplated, but so glad in hindsight I didn't do this as this would have made things harder and staying with someone who had so little respect for me, our marriage and children would have slowly destroyed me. This is one of the best things I learnt from the advice I had read whilst I though I was happily married and kept me strong in my decision - thank you wise MNs. I knew I deserved better and didn't want to live with the uncertainty of what he was doing all the time. I kept my dignity throughout despite his awful behaviour to me and the children.
He managed to ruin his relationship with his children (10 & 12) by pushing the other woman on them and running me down. I encouraged them to see him (and still do) but at the end of the day was their decision not to see him, mostly down to his behaviour, him moving 3 hours away and making no effort to keep in touch with them. My daughters have such good boundaries in place as a result of all that has happened. I hope I have taught them that happiness comes from within and surrounding yourself with people that lift you up, not bring you down; having respect for yourself and that we all deserve to be treated well and to always treat others well. I haven't rewritten history (like he has) and do tell them we had a happy marriage for the most part, that marriage does need to be worked at, it isn't always easy, and remind them of the good memories - I never wanted to end up bitter and hating men. I refuse to judge others based on my ex's behaviour. When he told one of my daughters 'I will explain to you when I'm older why I HAD to have an affair' (completely inappropriate conversation but don't get me started on that) and she responded with 'no one has to have an affair if you were unhappy with mum you should have told her and split up before you involved some one else', I realised how wise they are even at a young age and how different from my beliefs growing up of you stick together in marriage no matter what.
I hate how things have affected my daughters, and have sheltered them from things as much as possible, being honest to any questions they asked and not running their dad down. We are closer than ever and we may struggle financially and sometimes it is difficult having 100% care with no break and working in a stressful job, but we laugh everyday and I wouldn't be apart from them for all the money in the world.
Three years of hellish divorce and I kept strong with help of family and friends - the strength gained from threads on here WWK and Formidable C to name a few inspirational women that kept me going when I read their struggles and successes. It is finally all over when made agreement at FDR. He attended with the other woman - just weird - and I kept my dignity, stayed strong and walked away with a clean break and all assets and child maintenance! I was over the moon as thought I'd be tied to him and his controlling manner with a Mesher order and global maintenance, constantly worrying that he'd not pay every month. My future is now in my hands. I work for an amazing company, have wonderful family and friends, my daughters, dog (that gives us all so much joy in the bleakest of moments) and financial stability of having a home. He on the other hand was unhappy with result (angry in discussions with his solicitor - I was laughing with mine) and looked broken and defeated afterwards. He is living with his affair partner in her family home with her dad and two brothers walked away with debt (mostly incurred after we separated holidaying and partying with affair partner), no assets and no relationship with his children. I'm not a great believer in karma but I haven't stopped smiling since the FDR.
To everyone else out there going through similar, KOKO - it is so hard, but don't give in. The best revenge is living your life well. Be happy. Thank you for helping me through this and keep up the advice as you never know who it may help. I'd like to think I'll help others now and will start contributing more. I'm having a well deserved break and sleeping for a week first though.
Sorry for the long post!
Great story, hopefully will give hope to other living with shit men.
Gosh. I don't easily get choked up on here but could definitely choke down a sob!
Overjoyed for you it has all worked out so well for you and your girls. Wonderful.
Thanks for this fabulous post
It's just wonderful to read how well things have turned out for you. Your courage is really impressive. Big admiration!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.