Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I wish the ground would swallow me up(37 Posts)
Am male age late 30s. I post here from time to time but I know it isn't really a place for me. I'm struggling with being unsettled where I live so I write her in search of emotional warmth which is absent from RL.
I have a casual acquaintance who I enjoy spending time with. She lives not far away and we get the same train to work. I have been having counselling for low self esteem. It's stupid as I have many good things in my life. I am very shy when it comes to romantic relationships. I thought there may have been a spark between train lady and myself so against all my instincts I asked her out yesterday over a coffee. She politely but firmly declined, I said "ok" and that was that. Except it wasn't. I am so terribly embarassed and feel a total idiot. I feel like everyone in our neighbourhood knows (although this is irrational) and are sitting there laughing at me.If I told my friends how I feel they would laugh too. I know the problem is my reaction to rejection but I just can't help it. I also feel bad if I made her feel uncomfortable as it isn't easy rejecting someone either and I put her in a position where she had to do that.
Think of it another way.... Nothing ventured nothing gained. Instead of kicking yourself, give yourself a pat on the back and remember you should only regret what you don't do and at least you tried. Despite not accepting your offer for whatever her reasons (which you may not be aware of) the fact that you asked her may have made her day.
Well done for having the balls to ask her and do it again with the next lady you like because she may well say yes.
Absolutely agree with the above poster.
You haven't done anything that you should feel embarrassed about.
You weren't pushy at all.
It's really ok.
Did you discuss asking this woman out with your counsellor? I think that would have been a good idea, although I would guess that your counsellor would have said to go for it, but be prepared for the answer to be no and have a strategy to cope with it.
Anyone would feel a little embarrassed in your shoes, I think that's normal. And I appreciate with your low self esteem this will have been a real blow. The key thing now is to act completely normal when you next see her. She is probably upset that she's hurt your feelings by saying no, but really - how would you ever have known if the relationship could have developed if you hadn't have taken this risk? She prefers just to be friends, that's fine, you just need to move past it.
Try not to dwell on it over the long weekend, will you see her on the train on Tuesday morning? Practice the "I'm breezy!" response of Monica from Friends
the fact that you asked her may have made her day.
Donkey this is what I am clinging onto. Weird though it sounds this felt like one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. She did not seem traumatised by my idiotic statement. I on the other hand have been walking around like a condemned man feeling like I have a label on my head like faulty clothing saying "reject" . I hope she hasn't told anyone though. I have some neighbours coming around for tea Sunday and I'd be so embarrassed if they found out.
You did the right thing. You did a brave thing. Give yourself credit for that!
You asked her out and she said no, which was always one of the possible outcomes. Her "no" doesn't say anything about you. It just says that she doesn't want what you want.
You are still a wonderful and lovable person. Just not the person that this particular woman wants to date, and that's OK.
It happens. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you asked casually and respectfully. Next time you see her just act normally and she will be relieved nothing has changed. Honestly no one would ever think any less of you even if they knew.
It really doesn't matter what others think.
And if your neighbours did know, to be honest, it would just be something to shrug about. People ask each other out all the time! Some say yes, some say no. Its just the way of things and everyone knows it; no one would think badly of you for it.
Speak to your therapist about your reaction to this rejection: it is really a very heightened reaction, and there are things there worth examining for you.
She may well have a bf. Don't beat yourself up risks are necessary in life - nothing ventured nothing gained!
How would your neighbours ever find out? Does she know them? Are you worrying unnecessarily about that?
All of the above, and remember -- some of us women change our minds. I have sometimes politely declined an invitation only to think, a few weeks later, "Actually, now that I've been around him a bit more, I do like him and would like to go out with him." (Then, of course, it's been up to me to get past the fear of rejection and looking like an idiot!)
I suspect it would help you to join a few groups and aim to make more friends in general, as the more people you're connected with, the more likely you will meet someone tasty. What do you like? Playing sport, hiking, walking your dog, collecting art? There are heaps of opportunities to meet people. I definitely recommend dancing, pref ballroom or Latin. We always need more boys! And a dance studio is a pleasant atmosphere for chat and casual socialising.
Rice that made me feel better thanks for posting it. I have someone coming around to give me personal training in a little while so hopefully that will help me focus. Thing is, I have developed this kind of "safe, non predatory, possibly gay ( I'm not) " reputation due to never being with anyone and not being especially macho. I feel good when women say they feel comfortable around me, so anything that maybe risks that like asking someone feels like absolute torture. I 100% respect her "no thanks" and will dig very deep inside myself to find the maturity to be normal ish with her on the train. No way do I want her to feel bad it is every person's prerogative to say yes or no.
Everyone feels uncomfortable and stung by the pain of rejections. They key thing is how you bounce back from it. Worrying that your neighbours will find out is verging on paranoia and not helping you at all.
Try to be as normal as possible next time you see her with an "oh well, it was worth a try" type shrug. Practise keeping a gentle smile as your default resting face and maybe try some positive affirmations or meditations on sending out positive vibes.
I agree with groovergirl, I initially declined my DH and then regretted it. I was very happy when our paths crossed again and I was able to ask if I could change my mind.
Even if that doesn't happen, please don't read too much into this. She might already be in a relationship or she may be gay or she might just not fancy you. Whatever reason she had it was still a nice, brave thing you did and I am sure it gave her a little ego boost. Just smile and nod when you see her again and I am sure it will all blow over.
Keep on plugging away with the counselling. Get out and about and ask out women you find attractive. Maybe try online dating - if that girl wasn't the right match someone else will be.
OP you sound like a lovely sensitive person. It took guts to ask her out but she will far more appreciate you continuing to be friends than have you avoiding her.
I just wanted to say I would repeat all of the above just to reassure you. I
too once said no thanks to someone, years ago now, but only because I was so surprised and that kind of thing was only ever played out in my head. Eventually I was able to get over feeling bad about saying no when I'd exhausted over-thinking it. Fast forward a few years and at 33 I managed to accept a coffee invite and while that one fizzled out in a few months I soon after met someone else and we've been together ever since. If that first invite out hadn't been rejected I might never have found the one, so in the same way your first rejection will hopefully let you see that you can do this and the next time may get easier. So, next time you want to ask someone, do.
Thank you all.
I read my posts back and they come across pretty insecure and self-pitying which I regret. It is just so hard for me to get over the thought that I am committing some of emotional crime letting someone know I like them and they will get angry or something.
BTW I am obviously neither a mother not a parent but am trying to be a good uncle to my 1 year old nephew whom I adore. He teaches me about unconditional love every time he smiles at me. Anyway I hope you don't mind if I post here sometimes. The uncle thing is kind of my way of justifying it, to myself at least.
No need to justify your presence on here, just post away
Have a manly hug, and a reassurance. You did fine, you're doing fine, you will do better.
As for being male, the vipers are good folks as long you're not an arse. Just don't post in Sex because that's Wrong.
The fact that you have a thoughtful conscious is a good sign and I'm sure you will find someone lovely soon.
You sound like a nice and thoughtful person. There was absolutely nothing wrong with asking. You are doing the right thing by respecting her right to say no and not even considering pushing it. That shows even more what a nice person you are!
Carry on with your counselling, and feel proud of yourself. You took a chance. You got knocked back. You coped. That's an achievement. It's normal to feel bad about it. It's not nice. But you survived! Try to not let it stop you from asking someone else out in the future.
I agree with PP I bet you made her day or even her week.
Any time you ask someone out there is a chance they will decline, and it may be for reasons that you couldn't possibly guess at that have nothing to do with you personally.
See it as a positive thing. You were brave. You took a chance. You survived (just) and so you can do it again - maybe not straight away. Lots of people would never have been brave enough to ask, so you should be praising yourself rather than feeling awful.
If anyone mentions it, just give them the hard stare and a shrug.
You don't sound self pitying, you do sound insecure but that's nothing to be ashamed of and something you can change with time and effort. I think most women would prefer someone a little unsure of themselves to someone arrogant anyway, you just need to get to the point where you're ok with who you are. You're welcome here as far as I'm concerned and I hope you feel a little better about asking your friend out now, being brave and adopting a 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' attitude gives you a much better chance of meeting someone nice than letting fear hold you back and you sound like you deserve someone nice.
It's lovely when thoughtful men post, restores my faith a bit.
You sound like a kind an decent person, a deep thinker.
I over think myself, which annoys me sometimes but feel this also opens things up to have a richer experience when things are good. Best wishes.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.