Angry man

[ciele]

I know everyone has to set their own boundaries of what they find acceptable or not but I am seeking opinions/advice.
Please go a bit gentle with me because I know I have a tendency to sound very harsh.
Here is my query.
My husband, of 25 years, is a very angry man. I think he has always been depressed and the only thing that seems to lift him is drink.
20 years ago he told me he didn't want sex with me, or anyone but that he would try. We went to counselling etc but eventually-ten or fifteen years later said he just wasn't interested.
I was desperate to provide my DCs with a stable home-something I never had so after some back and forth I stayed.
I then became seriously ill and permanently disabled. I can no longer work. He is a good earner and pays towards my DMs nursing home and uni fees. He is not very good at managing money but denies this.
He denies most things. Doesn't communicate. We live separate lives which I don't mind because at least we don't argue.
Tonight he was very angry. He was microwaving his own jacket potato and he went mental because it was cold. The dog is incessantly barking and he denies he wanted one when I said it needs to be trained. This is also what the vet said yesterday.
He starts shouting that I never listen to him. I said I can't because it makes me too agitated. I take beta blockers when I'm with him and am on anti depressants.
But I'm too scared to be on my own. We have been together since age 20 and I cannot work although do have quite a few friends.
Just want to know what you mumsnet terms think. He has always been angry and taken it out on himself and inanimate objects. But it's a black cloud. He is like a black cloud but does have good points.

[ciele]

Mumsnetters

[mum2mum99]

he uses shouting as intimidation and this is abusive behaviour. Dogs are emotional animals and your dog is maybe reacting to this at some level, here you I have become dog therapist!

[Summerlovinf]

If you separated you would be entitled to share of assets even if you haven't been working. You might need to work in future though...I don't know about that...someone else might be able to advise. Angry men are not fun to be with and your marriage sounds intolerable to me. In your position I would be making plans to end it. It's your choice though of course. Take care

[ciele]

Thank you. Everyone, including the DCs I think, view me as 'the baddie' and him as the poor put upon 'victim' of my 'high maintenance' personality.
If that makes sense.
I used to buy that too.
There may be truth in it.
Often there is no shouting and tbh less these days than ever before. Money is not so tight and the DCS are grown up.
I think I am reliant on his just being there. Someone in the house that I know very well. I avoid 'pushing his buttons'.
Everyone thinks I am very strong, mentally and I am.
Think I just need to talk.
The dog was ok until the evenings got lighter. I think he sees shadows.
That's not meant to be metaphorical!

[mum2mum99]

You deserve a life of peace OP.

[ciele]

Mum2mum
Yes, I agree and hopefully I can find that one way or another.

[mum2mum99]

he will never change and you know it. So is your marriage as it is now what you want out of life?

[seasideview]

You are only mid 40's. Can you live like this for another 40 years? That's the million dollar question. I would separate. This is no way to live.

[MatildaTheCat]

He sounds pretty awful but you know, there doesn't have to be goodies and baddies in order to separate? You can be unhappy and ask for a divorce without their having to be a huge debate about who is to blame. Perhaps you just aren't compatible. Nobody is perfect after all.

Can you work out your finances and find out how you will manage? Not easy but maybe the house is worth a lot and you will be entitled to a share of his pension.

You are young, I rarely say LTB but you sound as if this marriage has really ground you down for long enough. Line up your ducks.

[ciele]

Thank you.
I'm actually 51 as we got married mid twenties. There is equity in the house, which is partly adapted for my disability. But there is still a big mortgage. I wouldn't find it easy to find another suitable property but neither would it be impossible.
Financially I don't think I could manage without his support. I am not able to work and this is really out of the question now.
It's more what I am used to. He does have redeeming features and I think would be 'snapped up' pretty quickly. TBh that would p...me off no end as I'm no longer a 'good catch'.- age/disability/financial
I know I could/do live quite well without a man but in an ideal world I would like to meet someone special. I really think that would be very hard to do.
I keep thinking I would just be swapping one set of problems for another. I have learnt to live with less than perfect in most areas of my life.
I think it's just helping me to write it all out and I hate to admit this but I think I get a perverse pleasure from seeing his unhappiness. I feel like it serves him right. Very childish I know.
Happy weekend and any more opinions would be much appreciated.

[Flanks]

Um. Harsh post incoming, but this kind of annoys me.

So you chose to stay in a relationship you knew was over, with your husband being honest at the time, and you drug yourself into a stupor to cope with it, and yet this thread is about your husband being angry?

At what point should he be content with the relationship?

If you are taking drugs to reduce your awareness and response times, how can he communicate with you normally?

I am sure you will get lots of posts about abusive men, who shout to control and intimidate.

However, it takes two to tango, and from what you describe in OP you are at least as much the cause of your current situation as your husband, perhaps more so because you have taken steps to reduce your awareness and responsibilities.

Make the decision you consciously chose not to years ago, of your own free will (no abuse).

Clean up.

Own your own decisions and life, instead of posting about how miserable the life you chose to remain in and drug yourself to sustain is.

[SanityClause]

Sorry, Flanks, I'm not seeing the bits about drugs. Are they from other threads?

[SanityClause]

Oh, sorry, yes, Beta blockers and antidepressants.

[ciele]

Flanks. I am not going into the details of my disability but I have been left seriously disabled and am on the minimum dosage of many drugs to control pain too.
You are so wrong about my situation and so insulting.
I can assure you I do "own" my choices. I wanted some opinions and yours are way off beam.
But thanks anyway for your ill informed post.

[HazyMazy]

YOu seem to have a very old fashioned view of 'having a man' and any miserable, angry, pia is fine as long as he wears trousers.

I would first go to a solicitor with all the info you can gather about your finances and ask how things would be if you separated. You don't have to separate, but until you know the facts it is a vague idea which is more worrying because things are vague and unclear.

Also, saying he is the 'victim of your high maintenance personality' sounds like a relationship you need to get out of. What a crap thing to say.

There doesn't have to blame if you separate, you can say you feel that you would both be happier apart.

[Flanks]

My apologies in that case. I took your statement of 'I take beta blockers when I am with him' to mean you took them for that purpose. This is my error.

It does still strike me as a relationship which ended a long time ago, and that you were aware of this at the time and that your husband was honest about it, including an attempt at remedy. Therefore this still should not be about anger but about correcting your original decision to stay, and that is very much about owning your previous choice, not anger.

[amikatari]

Flanks, that's just horrible. Her husband is an adult with agency and chose to stay in the relationship, meaning it is not over. If he was that unhappy he could leave, it doesn't give him any right to verbally abuse her.

Do you regularly accuse people who need psych meds (remember, this is a doctor's decision too, you can't just rock up and demand a prescription because you feel like it!) of drugging themselves into a stupor to avoid their responsibilities, and what responsibility are you referring to anyway, the 'responsibility' to feel like shit because somehow you in your wisdom have decided she has no right to take meds that help her cope.

What next, are you going to tell her that her disability is her choice and she should just get a job? Are you just a nasty disablist victim-blamer who likes to spend your time making people dealing with problems feel worse and pretending you are only trying to help, or are you the husband?

Ciele, sorry to talk about you rather than to you. Respect

[Flanks]

@OP I have requested my original reply be removed as I had misunderstood your post. Further apologies for this.

[PurpleWithRed]

Sounds like you and he are both miserable in your relationship and give no love or pleasure or respect to each other - you even 'get a perverse pleasure from seeing his unhappiness'. It also sounds as if you are staying with him for his money. I'm with Flanks - he clearly isn't perfect but you also need to take a good hard look at yourself and your own choices here.

[ciele]

Yes. The money is a big part of why I stay. I have been poor and hated it. Who doesn't?
I worked very hard in a well paid career until I was taken ill. I am talking serious major illness which left me permanently disabled.
Yes I am old fashioned and wanted a stable nuclear home. I came from a mess.
I do need to accept my lot. I have a great deal and am thankful. He has been dutiful but like you all say I think the romantic love left long ago.
But we have a huge shared history and understand each other and our family.
I was just looking to vent and seek opinions.
I do appreciate your sensible, no nonsense opinions. Thank you.

[HazyMazy]

I do need to accept my lot

Have you seriously thought if your lot could be improved. Perhaps you are bed bound, but I do know disabled people who have got back into the work place by doing voluntary work initially, getting the motability car they are entitled to, studying from home.

Are none of these an option?

[MatildaTheCat]

I am in a similar position to you. Became disabled, rely on my dh for our lifestyle and no longer able to look for any work. I, too would strongly resent having to move to a small property and struggle financially. However,mi am happy in my marriage so don't need to but you aren't happy.

So...what do you want? Seriously? A better relationship with Mr Angry? A way to separate without poverty? Or to stay and get perverse pleasure from observing his anger? The last sounds a strange way to want to conduct your life. You may have had major misfortune but so have many,mit doesn't mean you have to sit back and play the victim if you don't want to.

There will ba plenty of financial advice if you want it. Yes, you would be worse off, not necessarily on the bread line. Or get serious about improving your relationship one last time.

Fgs don't just sit there as an audience to your life.

[ciele]

Matilda - thank you for your post.. Just what I need to hear. I'm mainly very happy but like a lot of LTR get fed up with grumpy git.
The years before were much worse and now I just get down some of the time. I think everyone has some problems.
I'm definitely not wanting to be an audience. That's a very clear way of making me see the situation.
For the last few years I have been fighting health problems and sorting out very difficult time with mother.
Now I'm getting on an even keel and that's affording me the luxury of thinking what do I really want.
I think I want to continue as I am but just find a better way of coping with my husband's and mother's bad moods.

[HazyMazy]

Oh, dear, OP, that makes me feel depressed just thinking about it!

Sod the rest. What about you??

[ciele]

I am very lucky to be alive. That's fact not drama rama. And I have brought up two DCs.
So it's a cliche but I really do appreciate all the small things and my DCS are both well and healthy and I am very proud of them. I think my goal was to provide a safe family and I have done that.
Now it's some time for me and the icing on the cake would be a great relationship with a loving man. But...I'm a great deal to take on as I have suitcases of baggage and I'm also not easily pleased!
I would not now choose what I have but it does have advantages and is safe and familiar which counts for a great deal nowadays.