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Do I owe to give my DP sex?

(98 Posts)
hollowintheriver Thu 24-Mar-16 18:54:16

We all know that sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. But when does it make it ok for the woman/man to not want sex, even though the other party is sexually frustrated.

I hope I'm being clear. I've only been in one relationship (which I am in, though not a healthy one), so I don't have experience of what's it's like to be in a healthy relationship. But I've been reading many threads by men and women posting that they are not having much of an active sex life and of course they feel unattractive, not loved even etc and many posters agreed.

So I'm looking back and I'm thinking if I'm in the wrong for refusing to have sex with DP for that matter. He is very sexually frustrated with me, which I must admit has been one of our most problems for the last 8 years, but I guess most of the time I refused to have sex with him was because I always felt used.

So finally going into what I really want to post about. I have a 7 year old DS, and I was pregnant a couple of months ago but-l sadly decided to terminate, because of that reason, I don't want to have sex with DP for now- I can't explain, I guess I'm still grieving. But anyhow, I haven't had sex with DP for 5 months now and as you can imagine he is very sexually frustrated.

I was with DP today, and he was being flirty, I knew what he wanted so I told him that I was on my period and he quickly went away from me and then he got very angry (this was in public), he then resorted to belittling me and putting me down... Saying things like "I've been putting up with this for 9 years, I'm not doing it anymore, you always have an excuse not to have sex with me, but the other girls I speak to don't make up excuses...I can get a girl better than you, I've sacrificed everything for you and this is what I get, I'm not waiting for you, I'm not, even my friend said I'm a dickhead and he introduced me to an app where I can speak to girls, you told me to go to other girls, so I will go to them..*".
Then my friend rang me, who I am a bit preoccupied with as she's currently going through domestic violence, when I got off the phone, DP then proceeded to say " your always on your phone to that friend, is she more than important than me, but wait hold on, your quick to pick up the phone to your friend, but you blocked me for four days, when you know I was suppose to see my SON on the weekend".

I blocked him, which I know was wrong, considering he was suppose to see DS on the weekend (we don't live together- yet... But you can kinda see why I'm a bit apprehensive to live with him). But the reason why I blocked him was because everytime he called me he always asked for sex, which was getting me down, a wall along or going to the museum would be nice and I'm up for that, but no, he always wants me to come to his.

Anyway, throughout this "conversation", I was very quiet as I know that if I talk back to him, it would escalate. So DP noticed this and said " Talk then! Why are you not talking! Your ready to chat shit on the phone, but you can't talk now? I said talk!!!".

I make a light conversation as I know he would get even more angry if I didn't say anything.

DP then carried on saying " you don't care that I'm about to get evicted, but you care about your friend more than me, your quick to answer her phone calls but you can't answer mine ". I wanted to say reply it was because that everytime he called me it would start off as...."how's DS...", followed by "can you come to mine?". But I quickly closed my mouth.

Passer bys were looking at us and I told DP to be quiet, then he came up to me- like he was going to fight me and said " Don't tell me what to do, I swear to God don't ".

Luckily, we were coming up to the train station as I'm studying at uni and had to make it to my class, so I told him that I had to go, then he went back to his place.

Honestly, I felt so suffocated during that entire "conversation" I breathed a sigh of relief when he left and considered that I should leave this son of asshole. But then when I read threads that people are getting. Sexually frustrated and that sex is important in a relationship, I then feel bad and start feeling sorry for DP.

What do you mumsnetters think?

Nanny0gg Thu 24-Mar-16 19:04:02

I think that I don't know why you're with him.

Arfarfanarf Thu 24-Mar-16 19:05:59

I think the same as nanny.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 24-Mar-16 19:06:29

Hell no, you don't owe anyone sex and nobody has the right to sex.
It's true that unwilling celibacy or mismatched sex drives can be very upsetting and demoralising. However, when you're in an emotionally abusive relationship then you're unlikely to want sex. Your partner sounds mean and bullying and the lack of sex is not the reason for that. If you want to end it, end it.

YakTriangle Thu 24-Mar-16 19:08:12

He sounds deeply unpleasant.
You do not owe him anything, nobody owes anybody else sex.
No decent man would want to have sex with a partner who had made it clear that they didn't want sex.

AuntieStella Thu 24-Mar-16 19:08:45

He is being quite brutal.

This relationship does not seem to be bringing nay happiness to either of you, and is gradually bringing out his worst qualities, not the best ones (which I assume he has and which attracted you to him in the first place).

It's not really about the sexual incompatibility. That's just one of the easier to identify of the many levels of incompatibility.

Do you think he brings anything positive into your life?

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 19:09:21

I wouldn't have sex with him either

He sounds like a rather dangerous abusive man. You should end the relationship before he hurts you.

hollowintheriver Thu 24-Mar-16 19:15:58

He was physically abusive sad. He hasn't physically abused me for nearly three years, but that could be because I've been avoiding him.

I'm not happy with him, but I'm scared to move on. His the only guy I've been with and I'm worried that I won't love anyone as much as I loved him. It's sad isn't it? I just wanted to burst into tears today, because the argument today was like a flashback of how he was like before. Not only that, but I miss my baby I terminated, but the argument with him highlighted the reason why I terminated in the In the first place, I didn't want to bring another child into our fucked up relationship. But it hurts so much.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 19:17:31

You are wasting your life with him.

There are good blokes out there who would be horrified at this excuse for a man

MooPointCowsOpinion Thu 24-Mar-16 19:25:27

I wouldn't want to have sex with that winging pathetic man either.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 24-Mar-16 19:32:26

You can love someone else a lot more than you love him.

hollowintheriver Thu 24-Mar-16 19:44:24

Thank you all for your words. I have to take the courage to leave him.

HoppingForward Thu 24-Mar-16 19:51:44

You don't have to love anyone any more or less apart from yourself.

Love you, learn who you are. He is draining you of normal feelings, it honestly is a different life when someone is constantly dragging you down.

MatildaTheCat Thu 24-Mar-16 20:07:54

You will be happier the instant you dump his sorry arse. Get rid. Block. Then have some time alone with your ds. Concentrate on how good life can be as a single woman. Learn to make your own decisions and work out your values and boundaries.

You will meet someone and love again and it will be better if you do all the above because you are far less likely to repeat your mistakes and find another loser.

Best wishes. I hope you find the courage.

LovesPeace Thu 24-Mar-16 20:27:42

There are nice men in the world so I now wonder why I put up with my sulky entitled petulant ex for as long as I did.

If I tell my current partner that I'm too tired, or sick or simply don't feel like sex, he'll say 'that's fine, I like cuddling you anyway'. I have fallen asleep in the early stages before, and he's laughed, kissed me and tucked me in.

That's how it should be, and what you deserve too, OP.

hollowintheriver Thu 24-Mar-16 20:57:51

Thank you all again, but should I still keep a relationship between DS and his dad?

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires Thu 24-Mar-16 21:05:11

LTB! You don't him in your or your DS lives.


SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires Thu 24-Mar-16 21:05:23


Keeptrudging Thu 24-Mar-16 21:09:10

Just be really thankful you don't live together, and don't let him move in. He's poisonous. If this is the only relationship you've had you don't know that it shouldn't be like this.

Real decent men don't act like this. If you were in a safe, loving, normal relationship you would probably want to sleep with your DP, and if you didn't, your DP wouldn't pressurise you.

Normally I would say it's good for children to have contact with their absent parents, but in your case I would worry that he would only see him to have control over you. He sounds nasty.

Atenco Thu 24-Mar-16 22:42:08

should I still keep a relationship between DS and his dad?

Well, you haven't mentioned another about their relationship, have you? That is a totally separate issue. If his dad is good to and for his son, why on earth would you want to obstruct that? And if his dad has PR, it would be hard to stop him seeing the child, even if it were not in the child's best interests.

lamiashiro Thu 24-Mar-16 22:45:30

Good god.

He sounds horrible in every way and you deserve better. Please bin him.

hollowintheriver Fri 25-Mar-16 09:09:26

Atenco No way would I want to obstruct their relationship. But I fear his dad will get worse eg. His demands, as he would see it as.... Since I do things for DS, I would want something in return. That's what he meant by "I sacrificed everything for you", meant he sacrificed everything for DS and he was mad that he wasn't getting anything in return.

But I guess I just have to keep myself distant, maybe I can do handover etc.

Paulat2112 Fri 25-Mar-16 09:15:25

You need to get away from him. It will be easier now because you don't live together. Nobody has the right to treat you like that. Have you looked on the women's aid website?

pocketsaviour Fri 25-Mar-16 09:25:36

He has a legal responsibility to financially support his child. That is completely separate to any contact he has with DS.

I agree with a PP that you should speak to Womens Aid for help getting free of this nasty bullying man. He is abusive, and you and your DS deserve better.

hollowintheriver Fri 25-Mar-16 09:55:01

He doesn't financially contribute towards DS either, that's another issue I have with him.

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