Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh problem

(30 Posts)
Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 18:44:34

My dh can't keep an erection when in bed with me, he blames his strong painkillers but I've found he watches porn too so must be to keep himself pleased. Today I lost my temper and said well how come you wank to porn? He denied it, but I've seen the porn. I have never ever minded porn in our relationship but I'm getting pretty down about it to the point I'm thinking about leaving sad

LindyHemming Thu 24-Mar-16 18:53:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 19:05:58

Thank you, I will suggest this, he won't do it though. I can't help but feel shit about myself.

Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 21:18:42

I think I have hurt him by the way I've reacted. I was really upset and dismissive and blamed him, he told me my insecurities are ruining our relationship. They are, I just don't know how to trust him, I've saw him browsing 'adult sites' before. Lots and lots of porn. I guess I can't match up?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Mar-16 21:34:30

He's addicted to porn and the reason he can't keep it up with you isn't because of erectile dysfunction or you not 'matching up'; it's because he's become accustomed to the one-handed 'death grip' when relieving himself sexually.

If you want to have a sex life with him you'll most probably need to make it a dealbreaker. No watching porn and definitely no masturbating, otherwise you'll divorce the tosser and find a man who doesn't want or need to watch images of abused women being sexually exploited in order to get his rocks off.

BolshierAryaStark Thu 24-Mar-16 21:34:45

No your insecurities are not ruining the relationship hmm
Forget about 'matching up' it isn't real so no, you'll never manage that.
Yes he should see his GP but the porn useage is clearly an issue for you so that needs to be addressed as well.

Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 21:46:12

I've been so worried I'm not tight enough for him, I'm not thin enough etc etc. porn isn't an issue to me, just the lack of sex and the porn together if you get me? I'm unsure what his problem is, he said I'm not attractive when insecure?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 24-Mar-16 21:48:15

It's possible that he looks at porn as a way of seeing if he can get an erection or not in private. For a man who is worried about his willy, looking at porn on his own is less stressful than trying to get a stiffy with a partner (who he may think will either get angry or laugh at him if it doesn't work).

Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 21:50:18

No he told me he wanks, he said this to me days ago but denied it today, I've never laughed at him ? Why would I laugh its not even funny

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Mar-16 21:54:34

I don't like the way your 'insecurities' are getting the blame for this. Big red flag...

Noneexistantlover Thu 24-Mar-16 22:05:23

I understand how my insecurities play a big part in our relationship not being great. I don't trust him, he knows that. He also says I don't 'like' him. I guess he's just as much to blame for the things he's done. Is there any going back when you get like this?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Mar-16 22:15:42

he said I'm not attractive when insecure?

These aren't the words of a man who's suffering from ED and has resorted to watching porn to see if he can get an erection nor are they the words of a dh who cares about his spouse's sexual enjoyment, and they're very definitely not what a man who intends to consult his GP because painkillers are interfering with his sex life would say.

If he can get it up when watching porn he hasn't got ED per se. If he can't keep it up he can get a prescription for Viagra, or spare his blushes by buying it online.

How long has he been watching porn? Does his use of porn predate your relationship? When did he start taking painkillers and what has he been prescribed?

BolshierAryaStark Thu 24-Mar-16 22:22:56

OK, no insecurities aren't attractive. Why don't you trust him? Is there a reason?

Friendlystories Thu 24-Mar-16 22:33:23

If your insecurities are so unattractive why is he creating them by choosing porn over sex with you? As for whether there's any way back for you as a couple that very much depends on whether he's willing to put the effort in to fix the problem he has caused. Even if this was genuine ED he is the one needing to seek help and if he won't and you're not happy with a sexless relationship he's not leaving you with much choice but to leave him is he? Sorry OP but until he's honest about what the problem is and is prepared to be proactive to sort it there's very little you can do flowers

goddessofsmallthings Fri 25-Mar-16 00:33:16

I've been so worried I'm not tight enough for him, I'm not thin enough etc etc. porn isn't an issue to me

The proliferation of easily and freely available internet porn should be an issue for every woman and every mother of male dc.

If these images caused men to worry that they're not 'big enough' or their 'abs/pecs are not developed enough'' I suspect they'd soon move to ban it.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 25-Mar-16 02:41:47

If there is a long history of him rejecting you sexually in favour of porn and/or sex with other women, then it's understandable that you feel insecure and he is being selfish and unkind.

If he has always been a good partner but currently has some medical problem that needs heavy painkillers, and struggles to keep his dick hard, and your response is to whine and cry and obsess about your weight, then maybe he does have a point about insecurity being unattractive. It is unattractive to have a partner who constantly begs for compliments and reassurance when you have never done anything to hurt the partner's feelings.

Moonchild74 Fri 25-Mar-16 08:35:18

I would suggest getting him a penis pump. It helps a man maintain an erection. Perhaps he is watching porn cause he feels insecure about his own ability to please you and sustain an erection. He is trying desperately to stimulate himself with porn, but that does not mean he finds you unattractive. My husband had the same issue and I bought him a pump. Its how we got pregnant. After using it a few times in the bedroom, he became more confident. Yeah he loved porn too and even made me watch when we were having sex. But that changed after I got him the pump.

Noneexistantlover Fri 25-Mar-16 08:41:43

He's always watched it, uses to watch it a lot before we got together as he said he was alone for a while. The reason I've little trust for him is because of 'mistakes' he calls them. Throughout our relationship he's talked to various other women via Facebook no idea to content as he deletes them and says it's because I'm insecure so I can't make something out that isn't there. I saw these conversations in the history of our shared laptop but I couldn't access it as I didn't know passwords etc. he left it open one day and when I was browsing I saw it on another tab and saw there were no messages there just ones from a while back. What I did see were messages from a few month into our relationship (where we were pretty much living at each other's places) to various women one saying how he missed her conversations and another asking what she was doing at the weekend because he was free?!?! I never did pull him up on this as it was so long ago but now tbh I feel like all this time I've been lied to. I've also seen history of him viewing people on adult work. He said he was just curious. I fade in and out of depression, some days I feel like I can't cope but I don't tell anyone anything. I keep everything in my own head and that's how I'm so insecure and my worst enemy

Noneexistantlover Fri 25-Mar-16 08:43:20

Thanks for the suggestion but he's not the type who would use anything like this, I suggested Viagra and he was highly offended

QuiteLikely5 Fri 25-Mar-16 08:44:59

When they watch too much porn normal sex becomes very dull and unappealing. They forget the pleasure that normal love making brings because their perception of sex becomes so distorted.

I do agree that he is suffering from the 'death grip' so please google and show him.

It is reversible but he will need to stop watching porn.

Best to discuss these things in a calm way

Noneexistantlover Fri 25-Mar-16 09:27:29

He clearly has a problem with porn without a doubt, he's a very secretive person I can't help but wonder why I'm still here

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Fri 25-Mar-16 10:49:15

It seems to me that your "insecurities" are not completely without foundation. No man I ever heard of looked at AW out of pure curiosity. That's not why he was there, he was looking to hook up with a prostitute. It's possible that he has very particular requirements and he hasn't shared them with you, and very possibly won't or can't.

Once the trust has gone, so has the relationship in my opinion. And I believe you have very valid reasons not to trust him.

Can you face another 10, 20 or 30 years in a sexless marriage, never mind the lies and deflections? I know I couldn't.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 25-Mar-16 10:53:44

Then you have reasons to mistrust him-the insecurities aren't going to go away while you're with this man, I'm sorry.

Jan45 Fri 25-Mar-16 12:43:09

Regular porn use, cruising adults sites - no I wouldn't trust or want sex with a man that did this, the problem lies with him, not you.

Sn0tnose Fri 25-Mar-16 13:07:37

So he's spent your entire relationship talking to other women on line, then deleting his conversations so you can't se them, arranging to meet women without your knowledge and viewing women on a site which isn't exactly known for innocent friendships, and if you question him about this, he tells you that it's making you unattractive and spends his time wanking instead of being intimate with you? And you're worrying that the problem is you?

I think this man is a pig. A lying arse of a pig. He's used your insecurities (which he seems to have caused) to make you believe that he's doing nothing wrong and that you're the one with the problem. All the time you're willing to accept that your insecurities are causing the problem, he will let you think that his behaviour is all your fault.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now