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How to end it nicely

(13 Posts)
bonkersbloke Thu 24-Mar-16 15:45:32

I'm a middle aged man wanting to end a 10 year relationship with DP. We don't have children.

She loves me dearly - I am falling out of love and getting increasingly miserable.
She may suspect something is up (she has been especially nice recently) but I don't think so. By telling her it is over I will be delivering the bombshell of the century and I don't know if I have the strength to do so.

Anyone have advice on how to deliver the bad news with kindness?

I've read relationship websites etc - what I really want is a robust view from the female perspective - this seemed a good place to get one.

Oh - and I am not having an affair or anything like that. That seems to be what other men do from reading these pages.

Jw35 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:53:40

Just talk to her and explain how you feel. There's no nice way to break up a relationship but taking ownership of the conversation and answering her questions will be better than it coming out in a blazing row in the future.

Will you be happier out of the relationship? It's not just boredom or something you can resolve? If she loves you dearly as you say what's happened for you if you don't mind me asking?

2kids2dogsandacaravan Thu 24-Mar-16 15:57:30

There is no nice way of delivering a bombshell like that, so the kindest way to do it is to be very honest and not leave any room for doubt.

Tell her at home, not in a public place and not in front of anyone else. Be honest as to why. Then leave and go no contact. She will need to grieve and move on, and that is only really possible with a clean break.

If there is someone else waiting in the wings, do the decent thing and don't even go there until the dust has settled.

It might help to talk through on here why you feel this way. Is it her or is it life in general, or is it something or someone else entirely?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 24-Mar-16 16:08:37

Agree with 2kids2dogs, tell her at home and be very definite and clear. You can be kind but leave no doubt that it is over and then block her from any further contact so that she is able to come to terms with the end of the relationship. If she is still in love with you then you may have a bit of a struggle for her to accept that the relationship is ending - but that's why you must be kind, firm and clear and absolutely adamant.

You don't need to keep giving this headspace, you really don't. You don't have to justify why you feel the way you do. We (MN) tell women this all the time - that they are free to leave for any reason - and the same is true for men, you can end your relationship and you are free to do so.

I can tell that you're struggling with this yourself. 10 years is a long time but better that it ends now and both of you have the chance to find happiness elsewhere. I wish you a clear, calm conversation and best wishes to you both in moving on with your lives afterwards.

clashofclanswidow Thu 24-Mar-16 16:08:43

Assuming if you have read relationship websites, you have already firmly come to the conclusion that ending the relationship is the only way? Rather than talking through what might be your issues?

Because the thing is, she might ask why? And if it is out of the blue for her - she probably will.

I only say this as I recently asked why an ex of mine called off our relationship and the reasons he gave me now seem pathetic after 6 years (...however there was another woman waiting in the wings, which you state you don't have)

The sad fact is there are two people in a relationship and it's never going to be happy if one person wants it whilst the other doesn't. Both have to want it for it to work.

And I don't think there is a kind way to do it, least of all if she is not expecting it but once you do it, that has to be it - prepare to go no-contact with this person and move on.

Staying friends to be polite makes moving on a 100 times harder and will probably give her false hope you might return one day? She will possibly be angry and bombard you for the first few days about the hows and whys. Be patient with her but let her know it's over and you're sorry.

Might seem frustrating going over the same things but I feel she would deserve to know, she will be hurting and deserves some closure.

Having said that though, if she does continue, advise her as nicely as you can that she needs to stop torturing herself and there's nothing more you can say.

This is not guaranteed to happen OP, not trying to make you feel rubbish - I just think personally there is a fine line between cutting someone off completely and not giving them information needed to move on and the feelings are often not considered for what the dumpee is experiencing.

And fgs, don't tell her you have to move on with your life and will she one day when she's ready - we don't wanna hear that waffle yet haha

clashofclanswidow Thu 24-Mar-16 16:13:05

But definitely once all is said and done, no contact is the only way forward I'm afraid and certainly in the case of the "dumper" Sorry to use that phrase...

What I mean is you can't end things and then check-up on how she is in a few weeks because you're worried you haven't heard from her.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound patronising but I have experience of this first hand, of being dumped and then later contacted to ask me how I was?! Did not go down well...

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Mar-16 16:18:08

What has happened?
Anything specific?
Is is just that you have been slowly falling out of love with her.
Has she changed a lot in the last few years?
What is it that made you want to be together that is no longer there now?
Do you own a house together?

You don't need to have any real answers to any of these questions.
If the relationship is making you unhappy then you have every right to end it.
Be nice, calm, firm, clear and fair. As PP's say, leave nothing to chance with words like, might, maybe, but, if only,

It's sad but thousands of relationships end every day.
Don't dither and lead her on now. Tell her.

Cabrinha Thu 24-Mar-16 16:34:58

I do agree with everyone on the no contact thing - it is the way forward, when the feeling to end it is not mutual.
However, I'd explain up front that I thought it was necessary for both of you - but that you were sorry if it seemed heartless, and maybe discuss allowing for contact over the initial week. She may have questions and to just totally drop out of someone's life after 10 years is pretty devastating!

bonkersbloke Thu 24-Mar-16 17:35:56

Thanks to all for your responses - I wasn't expecting so many so soon. All of you have provided some helpful advice and I am grateful.

The no contact advice is especially helpful - thanks for all that made that point.

I will try to write something a bit more detailed about what has gone wrong over the next few days.

But I will say now - there is no one waiting in the wings.

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Mar-16 18:31:53

I don't think it's going to be 'the bombshell of the century'...chances are she realises that the relationship isn't working. She might even be thinking along the same lines as you.

TheHobbitMum Thu 24-Mar-16 18:36:03

Definitely be honest and clear about your wishes regarding no hope of rekindling the relationship if it's not what you want. Don't leave any doubt or confusion with her and be at home, alone. If the relationship isn't working for you and there is on way you can see yourselves working on it then I think your right to break things off. Neither of you should have to continue of your no longer happy and fulfilled. Good luck

Waltermittythesequel Thu 24-Mar-16 18:39:11

Anyone can end a relationship at any time. You don't need a reason other than it's what you want.

But you need to be very, very clear. Any trying to soften the blow could be misconstrued as stringing along and that's not fair to either of you.

You just need to be honest. That's all you can do.

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 25-Mar-16 01:02:25

Take your chance for happiness- and give her a chance to find hers. The sooner you end it the better. Bombshell of century was 9/11 btw not a r/s breakup. A few years down the line and you'll both be happier in your new lives. Don't over think this.

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