dont know where to turn now :(

[whatamerryxmas]

Hey ladies im back i couldnt find my old thread so ill have to start a new one
I dont know where to turn and dont want people to get cross at me for not taking advice
Im so embarrassed to say how stupid ive been but if anyones willing to chat id really appreciate it......

[AliceInUnderpants]

Could you give a bit more information?

[DarrenHardysDrongo]

OP about your thread. If you mean the one you wrote when you'd just found your DP on PoF, it's there when you AS and can be linked to this one.

[springydaffs]

AS is Advanced Search fyi

[whatamerryxmas]

Sorry ladies broke my phone.... my life is in turmoil atm and dont know which way to turn....yes it was me with the pof thread still cant work out how to link it but i will just carry on on here and hope someone wants to chat
I dont know which way is up or down anymore the pof thing was a kick in the teeth but just the tip of the iceberg i know if i tell people on here the stuff my boyfriend does everyone will say dump him and i want to hes done such a number on me though i dont know whether im the one thats crazy now or him or if im overreacting and i am actually the person he says i am
Sorry if im not makinn much sense im in a right mess
Hope someones managed to get to the end of this and still wants to chat

[whatamerryxmas]

Plus ive done something really stupid to try and please him and now dont know how to get out of it
Pls dont judge me im so lost :(

[NotnowNigel]

Why should you believe what someone else thinks of you over and above your own assessment of yourself? Only you know fully your own thoughts, feelings, actions.

What have you done?

[whatamerryxmas]

I booked a holiday for us to try and please him.... i know ill get slated for this :( i keep hoping ill find the right thing that will make him be nice to me, make me worth something to him etc
Pathetic i know.... i dont know what to do now
He speaks to me now ( briefly ) to tell me how excited he is about his holiday ( and check its still on/im still paying for it ) but 99% of the time ignores my calls/msgs as hes too busy with his "mate" thats going through a rough time and needs him apparently
I have asked for some money back as a contribution towards what ive paid for the holiday as he said he would give me half this month, then it turned to 100 quid this month and the rest over the next few months ( we go away in 3 weeks ) then it was 50 quid but now he goes mental if i mention the money as ive had some redundancy money and im a selfish bitch coz hes struggling to make ends meet.....even though hes in the pub all the time with his mate

[whatamerryxmas]

I guess i dont know what to believe as he devalues all my feelings...sounds daft to not know your own judgement but when its battered into you on a daily basis that any feeling you have is an oveereaction, your being melodramtic, mad, oversensitive etc then you start to wonder is it me
Does anyone understand or has been there?

[DeriArms]

I can't say I've been in your exact situation but it sounds like you have a feeling something isn't right. Don't ignore this feeling, this is the sensible/protective part of you signalling that you deserve better. Others will be along before long who can put this in words better than I can but if you're feeling something is unequal/not right in your relationship, you can't bury this forever.
Actually come to think of this I can remember about 8 years ago buying tickets for me and a boyfriend who was definitely on his way out (his choice) to go to some comedy gig in London and stay overnight. I ended up giving the tickets to my mate. Years on I am so glad that it worked out that way, as I now realise he was a bit of a cunt. I made a proper fool of myself at the time, which added considerably to the general pain of the whole situation......I feel a commitment to myself these days to never again repeat that particular scenario and although it took me some time to come to this conclusion, I did get some what I would pretentiously term 'personal growth' out of the whole shizzle.
TL;DR: I and many others can relate to a bad relationship, and there is DEFNITELY life beyond it. Post away if it helps, we will listen (never mind if you weren't open to what people were saying on a previous thread - if you're open now, that's what counts).

[groovergirl]

Many of us have been there, What, and sorry to say, there is nothing you can do about this but walk away. Your bf is a narc of the nastiest kind. He is gas lighting you, trivialising your feelings (which are justifiable -- don't let him tell you otherwise) and cares about no one but himself.

I'm guessing it's too late to get a refund on that holiday. If you can bail out and recover at least some of the money, I urge you to do so. A holiday with someone like that would be a nightmare.

Says he's a bit hard up, does he? Tell him to stop pissing his money down the pub's drain.

Another Mumsnetter recently advocated Dignity and Diversion. Divert yourself with a box set TV binge or exercise or whatever will take your mind off this. And when you see him, be dignified. Maintain your calm and cool, no matter how much you might have cried and drunk too much wine the night before.

Good luck. All things must pass.

[whatamerryxmas]

Deriarms... thank you, i feel so stupid and embarrassed to even reveal half of the stuff he does because i hate the weak person he has made me become....i feel like ive lost that fight or flight instict now through years of his mind control or its still there in the tinyest bit but im so broken i dont act on it does this make sense?
I keep thinking too myself if he does such and such that will be enough to make me hate him and ill walk away...and then he does and i raise the boundary bar to something else ( not intentionally but just out of weakness i guess :(
Every conversation i have on the phone with him i cry at how cruel he is yet i cant help myself answerimg his calls in the hope he might say something to put all the hurt right
What kind of person does this make me :(
Groovergirl..... yes i would loose the money if i didnt go, a friend has said she would go but is probably only joking and im not sure if that would be more painful
Im scared of making that decision to cancel it i know he will go mad and im angry at myself that i even care
The distraction is a good idea i will try my hardest... i have bought a boxset dvd which i know he would take the mick out of me about watching but i can hopefully watch it on my own without him knowing and enjoy it and ignore him for a bit
Im thinking of asking my dad if i can go away there next weekend ( i wont tell him why ) and have a think.....my phone reception is crap there so i can hopefully not worry about fielding too many calls
I feel so time pressured to do something drastic now coz of this stupid holiday which im not even looking forward to
I know he will be nice while we are there as he wants me to pay for everything but is being awful before and will again after so its not a holiday im excited about
Hes meant to be here tomorrow night.... im finding it so hard seeing him and not being allowed to say how i feel as inside im screaming
It really helps to chat on here though

[AugustMoon]

Been there too, finding my way out but I understand how hard it is. He still keeps reeling me back in but then dictating things so everything's always on his terms. My sister told me to get angry, you need conviction to leave someone and its hard to maintain that when they're undermining your confidence and any authority you can muster. I dont know if this is helpful at all, just I know what you're going through and will stick around to see how it all plays out.

[AugustMoon]

Tell him to go on holiday with his pub mate if you don't want to go. Call it a parting gift 😉

[2flyforwifi2]

Id give him his 50 quid back and take somebody else on holiday! Tell him that who ever you are taking needs your emotional support, just like his friend in the pub needs his! Give him a bit time to think how much of a selfish prick he's being. I didn't read your other thread, but have been in a similar situation. Write down everything you have done for him v everything hes done for you! People treat you the way you allow them to! STOP analysing his behaviour. If hes on pof he has zero respect for you and is actively looking for another woman or to leave you. You are not nothing! And deserve better!! You need to ask yourself why you stay in this situation! What do you get out of it??

[groovergirl]

Please don't feel stupid and embarrassed to talk about what's been going on. Writing it all down and telling people is the first step to breaking out of it.

I totally get your feeling that you've lost your fight or flight instinct. Sometimes it just gets too hard to keeping fighting for yourself.

Sounds like you don't live with this guy; if so, please keep it that way. I was married to this sort of man for 11 years. It was beautiful at first, but became a living hell. Screaming at me if I spoke to my mum on the phone. Sulking if I went for a walk or to see my friends. Constantly whingeing about the state of the house, yet loafing on the sofa watching TV. Two years ago he got a job offer in the UK and off he went; our DD and I were to follow from Australia once I'd got our dilapidated house repaired for renting out. I was willing to go, hoping it would be a fresh start for us. I never got there; I found his profile on a dating website for BBWs, and saw he'd been setting up rendezvous all over England. (I'm a cyclist and dancer weighing 58kg, so perhaps that explains his lack of interest in me. I was celibate for the last seven years of the marriage.) I divorced him, but two years on I am still struggling. It is hard to recover, after so long having your head messed with.

Good idea to go and stay with your dad for a while. The break will help to divert you.

And yes, take your friend on the hol! Live it up!

[whatamerryxmas]

Thank you all :) no i dont live with him he just comes over for me to cook for him and pamper him when i guess his mates are busy like hes meant to be doing tonight...
Been out shopping this morning and i felt ok until he rang! I dont even know what i did to flip him out but he just started screaming at me and i was stood crying in boots looking like an idiot!
His reactions to anytime i say anything he doesnt agree with are so extreme its bizarre but apparently i push his buttons!
Hes ok with me now it seems coz has rang back to put his order in of what he wants for his dinner and pudding so i can cook for him later like the good little girlfriend
God im so pathetic!!!! Im sorry if thats what people think i think it myself too

[whatamerryxmas]

Def going to try and go to my dads next weekend though and have a think about this holiday.... been thinking its bad enough if he goes mad at me at home but i can go and distract myself and hope he calms down if i say something he doesnt like when we are abroad and he flips out ive got nowhere to go.....

[SecondMrsAshwell]

Does he want a chocolate pudding? Make it with Ex-Lax. And make sure he doesn't stay over.

YOU don't push his buttons? He pushes them himself just to make sure you stay in line.

Don't go away with him, go by yourself, go with your dad, but don't go with him. Take a fortnight away from him, see how nice it is not to be flipped out at because of something stupid.

[SecondMrsAshwell]

*You don't push his buttons.

[whatamerryxmas]

Secondmrsashwell thank you and the ex-lax thing made me laugh :)
No i dont think i push his buttons either coz i dont actually say anything to flip him out he just all of a sudden goes nuts n then the next conversation hes fine.....as long as i dont mention im upset that he went nuts at me! Hes so jekyll and hyde...my ex was a bit but his was alcohol that set him off so at least i knew when it was going to happen with him theres literally no warning

[Guiltypleasures001]

Whatmerry

It sounds like your a prisoner being tortured, your not even safe within your own 4 walls your in a cult of 2. I seriously believe you need some professional input here, it's like your a puppet and he's the master.

I fear your being or have been brainwashed, and there's a certain amount of sunk costs here ref money leant etc. Next time your by a river or deep water throw that damn phone in there and pictures him sinking with it. He's sucking you dry op, you will cease to be because of him but I also think you know you are there already.

Somehow you need to try and dig deep within yourself to tackle this bit by bit, you have no life outside him, I also,fear for what's left of your physical and mental health

Please reach out

[whatamerryxmas]

Thank you .... i think youre right in some way by chip chipping constantly at my self belief he has brain washed me to not trust myself. He does strange things to make me think im going mad or that my memory is wrong he says they are just jokes and he does them coz i fall for it everytime but its not funny...in my head anyway
Im a shadow of the person i was 3 yrs ago n i hate what ive become i hope i can distance myself and start believing in my own mind again as deep down i know what hes doing is wrong but havent had the strength to act on it i dont want to get to the point where deep down i believe what he says is true
Im hoping my dad says yes to me having a weekend down there next weekend the break will do me good im sure
I hope im not annoying anyone by ranting on on here it really does help to talk

[ijustwannadance]

LTB. Asap. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Tell your dad or someone in rl what is happening. It will help. This arsehole is trying to destroy you bit by bit. You already sound completely under his control.

[tipsytrifle]

oh what - it's time to make a move towards ending this constant feeling of being pathetic and embarrassed in the place where self-esteem should be. This pathetic man is using you left right and centre. You're a giver, he's a taker and there's no middle ground. He screws around with your head to keep you on his leash and you are, sadly, so accustomed to the leash that the thought of taking it off terrifies you into doing something else to make it tighter. Like book a holiday. Maybe buy him stuff. Cook an even more glorious meal that will get no praise or gratitude.

Feeling pathetic and embarrassed is no way to live. would you like to end this yet?

[whatamerryxmas]

Id love to get out yes but it seems so hard i dont know why.....what id actually love is him to treat me like im a human being with feelings and see how hard im trying to make him happy and not continuosly kick me.... im not sure that will ever happen though :(