Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

can we get past this?

(24 Posts)
BabyHaribo Thu 24-Mar-16 13:17:29

DH has a horrible temper - always has.

He has hit me twice before and I made him go to therapy for anger management. Things seemed to get better. (3+ years ago)

Past few weeks have been very stressful at work and home. We have a 20 month old who still doesn't sleep.

Row last night ended with him kicking me hard. My thigh is sore and bruised.

I don't want to leave. I'm a SAHM and have given up my career to look after DC and support his career. I want my DC to live with both parents.

I want to get back to loving him - but can I really ever trust him?

I do love him but I'm so confused

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 24-Mar-16 13:21:37

No you cannot trust him. He is abusive and will continue to be so. He has been for therapy and not changed, I would say you need to reconsider leaving him. Your DC will grow up seeing this and being influenced by him and his temper - you all deserve better.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 13:25:34


RiceCrispieTreats Thu 24-Mar-16 13:26:15

No, you can't.

You want your DC to grow up with both parents, but then you will be modelling to them what an adult relationship "should" be like. And so they will grow up to abuse or be abused by their own partners.

Children absorb their life lessons in the home. If this isn't the life you want for your children when they're grown, then you must leave this man.

There is help out there for you when you are ready to take the step.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 13:29:27

He hasn't got an anger problem, he has an abuse problem

Would he walk up to a 6ft 5 rugby player in a pub and kick him ?

OneLove10 Thu 24-Mar-16 13:29:44

I'm so sorry but I don't think you can get past this. He has already broken the trust and this is the second chance he has had. If you accept this then there will definitely be the next time.

I don't want to leave. I'm a SAHM and have given up my career to look after DC and support his career. I want my DC to live with both parents.

Having both parents in an abusive home is not the best thing for your dc. You have made yourself totally reliant on him which you should change. It's hard but it would be wrong for you by your kids to stay because you don't want to leave him.

feellikeahugefailure Thu 24-Mar-16 13:30:22


CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Mar-16 13:31:56

He's an abusive twat. They don't change.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 13:33:14

If you stay then you are putting your relationship with a violent domestic abuser over the well being of your children.

Acknowledge that, and make your decision accordingly.

Buzzardbird Thu 24-Mar-16 13:33:35

No, you can't. You can get past this though by contacting Women's Aid.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Thu 24-Mar-16 13:39:30

Why do you not want to leave? Do you actually love him or is it the security that you feel you cannot lose? Is it just too scary to leave or you wont have enough money?

Realistically no, you cant get past this. The only way that would happen is by you moving your boundaries of what's normal every single time he subjects you to abuse until you are so far past normal you are enmeshed & totally under his control & too afraid to leave. And by then of course it will be way past kicking stage & will have progressed to much worse.

No child ever has said to a parent I'm so glad you stayed in that abusive relationship for me.

As a previous poster said, you are modelling to your child what it is to have a healthy adult relationship & at the moment this is his idea of what that means. And children can sense atmosphere & they can hear arguments & he knows what's happening. Its a fallacy that a child will be happier with 2 unhappy parents living together, its simply not true. And if he does have a horrible temper then lets fast forward some years until your son is a teenager & your son makes him angry, what will happen then?!

nicenewdusters Thu 24-Mar-16 13:55:49

No, don't see how you can or why you should/would want to. When I read that he'd kicked you the image that came into my mind was of a man kicking a dog.

VivaHate Thu 24-Mar-16 13:57:53

He's stressed and has anger management issues...can I ask then-

Does he physically attack his boss?
His best mates?

No, he chooses to attack you because he is an abusive man who believes he is entitled to, and CAN, treat you this way. He believes there will be no consequence to his actions. There's no changing him.

It is your choice to make whether you stay or leave but base your decision on his actual behaviour as opposed to an idealised version of "but this is how it could be if I changed him/cured him"...Know that he will. not. change.

You could consider calling Women's Aid to chat it through. 0808 2000 247.

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 14:40:16

Jesus, I winced reading that, you write like you are actually used to it and it's normal!

It's so not OP, and so destructive for you and your child, what an absolute coward and creep of a man, why do you even want to stay - would you advise your own daughter to stay with a man that struck her like that, fucken scum of the earth.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Mar-16 14:42:53

No no no - your children can still have both parents, just without one hitting and kicking the other one - much better for them in the long run. Do you want a daughter choosing this type of man as that's all she knows - do you want a son who would do this to his wife or girlfriend as that's how he thinks men behave?

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 14:43:01

* want my DC to live with both parents. *

You want your DC basically to witness a vile and dysfunctional relationship that involves violence.

Nice, go ahead and mess up your child's future then.

seasideview Thu 24-Mar-16 15:06:23

I would be horrified if my DH kicked me. It would be the end, that's for sure. He is my protector. You really don't deserve this.

BabyHaribo Thu 24-Mar-16 19:08:04

I don't even know where or how to begin breaking up.

It's just so sad

He earns £130000 so will easily buy a property on his own.

I can't go back to my career without retraining so earning will be low - where would we live?

Someone mentioned in the future when DS is a teenager him being the target - but if we split he will still see the kids as he will want access

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Mar-16 19:24:59

If you're married, then the assets will be divided. He'll have to pay through the CSA, or equivalent.

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Mar-16 19:25:46

He's an abusive bully. You don't have a future with him.

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Mar-16 20:28:49

Thank god you're married and go to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Take photos of your injuries. He's absolutely horrible to you and you must protect your son from watching him abuse you. Don't forget, too, that your son will learn how to treat a woman by watching his dad in action.

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Mar-16 20:31:19

Sorry, I should have said: you should go to the police to record his attacks. He's a bully and nothing you say will stop him, but a word from a policeman/woman will be the last thing he'll want. I would tell family members about his attack, too. He's relying on you keeping his dirty secrets.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Mar-16 23:17:15

Someone mentioned in the future when DS is a teenager him being the target - but if we split he will still see the kids as he will want access

No duobt he will want access when you announce that you're divorcing him, but whether he shapes up and continues to have contact with his dc is an entirely different matter.

In any event, if your ds's primary home is with you he'll be able to tell his df where to go should he become a target when he's a teenager.

Please get your injury documented by the police or a health professional - there should be a walk-in clinic near you that'll be open over the weekend and give consideration to making contact with your nearest Women's Aid service next week..

Why do you want to love a man who thinks nothing of taking his 'horrible temper' out on you? After the hiatus of a couple of years duration, his violence will start to escalate and you'll find yourself treading on eggshells for fear that he'll kick or hit you again. Is this how you want to live your life and do you want your dc's childhood memories to include watching hsi father beat on his mother, or cowering in his room listening to the sound of her being beaten up?

If your h kicks off again during the long holiday weekend don't hesitate to call 999 and have him removed from your home. Being arrested for assaulting you may give him cause to modify his behaviour and it's to be hoped that he will be arrested before he inflicts serious injury on you.

Jan45 Fri 25-Mar-16 12:15:43

If he wants access, it will need to be supervised, he's a threat to your children, not just yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now