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Completely messed up

(57 Posts)
perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 12:34:25

I need advice.
The answer is obvious but I don't know how to go about it.

For background, my exh and I split 5 years ago, always been fairly amicable, I have dated in this time Inc one previous LTR who lived with me and now I am living with my current DP.
Exh has come and gone living on my sofa for months at a time but currently is staying with me on the sofa of course so he can provide childcare as I work ridiculous hours in a career just taking off that I can't afford to leave, DS1 has SN and Exh is his carer.

But the creepiest sickest thing happened last night, my DP and I were upstairs dtd as it were and out of the corner of my eye I though I saw something through the glass at the top of the door.
I brushed it off as seeing things (it was getting dark) but a couple of seconds later it moved.
It was a bloody camera.

I've got up to look at what the hell was going on and there was no one there but I heard a small thud at the bottom of the stairs so I go flying down and on the sofa pretending to be asleep is my Exh and in his top jacket (yes he sleeps with it) pocket one of the old spare mobiles I keep for emergencies.

I rip the phone out of his pocket and there are 5 different videos on 3 different dates of me DTD with my DP.

I feel sick, violated even.

I tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave as no where to go, DP is shocked and doesn't know what to do or say.

We are in the process of moving and DP was meant to be coming with us and staying in the annexe but I don't know what to do now.

Exh has alway's been a little weird, he has no family/friends, no job because of DS1 and no social life, he has battled with depression and was on meds which I found out last night he isn't on at the moment.

I am so angry, creeped out and shaky, his only offered excuse was he was curious shock

I just don't know what to do, I want to throw him out and report him to the police because surely it isn't legal. It would mean the house move plans are going to go tits up as I would have to give up my career to care for DS1 and I couldn't afford the move

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I keep seeing the camera in my head and feel sick.
I can't trust him in my house, I want to scream at him but it makes no difference.

My poor DP has shaky confidence anyway due to a messed up childhood and it's taken a lot of work to get him comfortable enough to really enjoy DTD... this is going to mess us up, I'm worried he is going to freak and leave me cos the EXH is a dirty peeping Tom, he is nearly 40 ffs not a nosey teenager.

perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 12:35:49

Ffs Exh is meant to be staying in the aneexe not DP obviously

Belikethatthen Thu 24-Mar-16 12:39:36

What, you live with two men!

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Mar-16 12:40:25

I wouldn't have him anywhere near me. He sounds an out and out creep. I can see you're stuck with childcare though - is there any way around this? I wouldn't want him in my home at all.

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Mar-16 12:42:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies Thu 24-Mar-16 12:45:05

Reading your old threads your ex has been emotionally abusive for years. What does he have to do for you to get him out of your life? I don't understand how you can e an be considering moving with him when he's spied on you in the bedroom.

You say you can't trust him in your house. Don't let him in your house!
You have done hard decisions ahead but leaving a career I wanted to take a crapoy job that pays for me to rent my own place vs living with a weirdo who spies on me in the bedroom? No contest

JapaneseSlipper Thu 24-Mar-16 12:45:57

Belikethatthen what alternative does the OP have? She is working on her career and her child needs a carer.

perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 12:46:20

Belikethatthen yes that's clearly written in the post hmm not sure how that is relevant.

Imperial I can't even look at him I'm completely disgusted, I'm a very open minded person but even I have my limits, havingy dirty exh videoing us and doing Christ knows what with the videos makes me feel sick.

The problem is childcare, hiring someone with DS1 is next to impossible as he hates strangers and takes a long time to adjust.

perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 12:52:51

Why reported hmm been on here for nearly 6 years not a troll.

perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 12:57:53

Purpledaisies that was my EXP not EXH

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Thu 24-Mar-16 13:02:49

Sorry but I'd be limiting his contact with my ds rather than letting him be the primary carer. He has no boundaries and no respect for you, your dp or your privacy. You need to get him out of your home, if he's nearly 40 he certainly isn't your responsibility. You need to make tough decisions and possibly consider changing your career plans to get your ds suitable childcare.

PurpleDaisies Thu 24-Mar-16 13:05:34

Apologies, that assumed that the dp treating you really badly in your old posts was your ex. Your ex has treated you terribly sounded like the same person.

All my post still stands apart from the first sentence. I don't understand how you can still be considering moving in with him.

PurpleDaisies Thu 24-Mar-16 13:06:45

And it appears my words are all in the wrong order. I assumed that the dp in your old posts was your ex.

perfectlyincapable Thu 24-Mar-16 13:12:54

I have 4 DC's 1 with SN.
I'm completely at a loss, if I give up my career I can't afford the house move and I have an eviction notice so have to leave in a few weeks time, everything g has taken so much planning due to DS1 and the fact we are moving across country, the council won't help until I'm homeless and private rents here are extortionate so have to relocate.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Thu 24-Mar-16 14:24:49

Or the alternative is to keep the arrangement as stands and put up with your sex life being videoed and your dc's all being raised by the person doing the videoing and their mum accepting it hmm

Sorry OP but his behaviour is disturbing as far as I'm concerned and I'd turf him out. Do you really have an alternative?!

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 14:29:56

I don't see what alternatives you are thinking people can suggest ?

Give your exH a sofabed in your room to make the filming easier and then you can all get a proper night's kip without the drama ?

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 14:53:30

You have no choice OP, get rid, do you even know what he's done with the videos, this is a criminal offence he has committed.

There must be an alternative to having him around, I would actually be seeing a lawyer about supervised visits, I wouldn't trust him around my kids either.

Total creep - you seem to be accepting off it which is even weirder!

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 15:03:41

You know he could have shared them online don't you ? Voyeurism sites are quite a thing.

I am a bit confused about your current partner. Is he quite the full shilling ? My husband is very mild mannered but if this had happened to us this bloke would be missing some teeth as well as any standards of decency.

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:05:49

AnyFucker - I love your humour.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 15:09:22

You do ? You must be a right arsey sod too then smile

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:14:29

I think I am trying to be your prodigy.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Mar-16 15:18:32

Who the fuck does this though ?

And more to the point, who has to even hesitate before they boot the perp out of their life (if only so there isn't bloody murder committed...)

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 24-Mar-16 15:18:52

What does your actual partner do to help with the kids and the finances? I know they aren't his children but can he work around your shifts?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 24-Mar-16 15:21:10

If I was your DP I would not be happy with the situation whereby your ExH from whom you have been split for FIVE YEARS is still coming and going in your house and sleeping on your sofa as and when it suits him for months at a time in the first place. I'm sorry, I just don't think your reasoning on this is sound to begin with because it's not fair on your DP, it's not fair on your kids and not fair on you. I'm afraid if you have to let go of your career to ensure your kids are looked after because you can't rely on your ExH then that's what you do.

If I was your DP, I'd have thrown him out (having a hard job to restrain myself from punching his lights out) and basically telling you it's him or me.


Waltermittythesequel Thu 24-Mar-16 15:22:15

So in the five years since you've split from exH you have lived with two other men, and your exH?

Now your ex has filmed you having sex, at least three times?

There's not a lot people can say, really.

Your ex shouldn't be living in your house.

I understand the difficulty with your dc but, well, he shouldn't.

Really he should be in prison!

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