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Shall I stay or shall I go :)

(17 Posts)
Adele73 Thu 24-Mar-16 12:09:08

Any advice much appreciated please

Re connected with an ex from 20 yrs ago
Been seeing him for 8 months and it's totally based on sex

We never had 'the talk' to see what we wanted at beginning ,we both have drifted into a kind of f buddy relationship.
He is cold and distant very aloof and set in his ways, I'm 43 he's 40

He got out of a 'loveless '14 yr relationship last year, two kids .

He's ex service and has PTSD
He's never taken me anywhere except to bed , he gets straight to sex
I ask him what he likes in bed , he said he didn't know, he never asked me, he's never paid me a compliment , I regularly compliment him saying he's good in bed etc and I know this makes him happy as he has low opinion of himself

I didn't mind being the giver at first because I know he has problems, I do believe he is depressed and emotionally numb because he's lost his family and the horrors of being in service

If I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks he says he missed me , will hold my hand and kiss me passionately

I'm getting mixed signals as he doesn't even message me in between seeing him , only to hook up

I know I should get rid but part of me doesn't want to give up
I asked him last week what we are and he said he likes me and wants to see where it goes, that he isn't seeing anyone else and doesn't want too .
he's the type of guy that will do anything for his friends , but be sat in the pub on his own nursing pints all night lol
He is a capricorn and once he opens up he never stops talking it's lovely to see , but Now I'm starting to feel unworthy and degraded that it's just sex

Do I hang on or walk , he's not nasty , I just can't work out whether he's numb or selfish ,

He's too hard to work out because he's so closed off
Thank you

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Mar-16 12:29:20

It's not a relationship, it's just sex, it sounds too much like hard work for just 8 months in, I'd move on

Adele73 Thu 24-Mar-16 12:46:18

Thank you smile
It's a relief to see someone else say it,
Even for sex he is too much hard work your right

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Mar-16 12:56:11

He doesn't have to be nasty for you to walk away, you just have to be unhappy, and it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere, so yes, cut your losses and look for someone who will treat you much better, not just as a fuck buddy

TheStoic Thu 24-Mar-16 13:10:55

I don't think his signals are mixed, I think they're quite clear.

If you're after a full physical and emotional relationship, you'll be unlikely to have one with him.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 24-Mar-16 13:30:56

It depends what you want.

If you want to be used for sex and to get upset trying to figure him out, then crack on.

If you want peace of mind, and perhaps a relationship with a man who reciprocates your attention, then go and find another person better suited to you.

LittleBlackTrilby Thu 24-Mar-16 13:35:15

Mixed signals? I think it's one big fat signal - when he wants sex, he'll make the effort. And that's it.

Run, run away!

Adele73 Thu 24-Mar-16 13:54:24

Thanks all
I agree ,, he was different at the beginning (arnt they all)
But in hindsight we should have made it clear from the beginning what we wanted.

Lesson learnt,

I've been on my own for 10 years I think I was just looking for any male attention, I did think I fell for him , but now realise it was probably unresolved feelings from the last time we saw each other 20 years ago before he joined services ,

Now the thing is how tell him it's over without him thinking I thought it was a relationship, I suppose if he did harbour any feelings time would tell but I ain't holding any hope onto that lol
If I

nicenewdusters Thu 24-Mar-16 14:02:06

I think I'd just say that you thought you could handle a relationship based only upon sex, but that actually it's not what you want and you're unhappy. No shame in hoping something might have come of it.

PresidentCJCregg Thu 24-Mar-16 14:15:34

I don't think you need to explain yourself. Just say it's not working for you any more so you're choosing to end it.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Mar-16 14:40:20

Yes, sorry this isn't working for me, no need for long explanations and room for him to talk you round

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Mar-16 14:50:07

Even if it is only sex, you could expect some reciprocal compliments, friendly texts or conversation and someone taking an interest in your preferences. Sounds like you're not getting much out of the relationship. I'd ditch him if I were you.

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Mar-16 14:51:54

Sorry, I missed your last post. If you want to end it, don't give long explanations, say thanks but it's not working for you. All the best

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:49:20

I've never got the FWB analogy, yeah fine for a couple of shags but then what - a man who is basically using your body and not even paying you, sorry but he's not taking you out or even asking you how you are, it's sex and nothing else - I can't think how that would ever become comfortable or good for the soul.

There's no mixed signals, go by his actions.

Adele73 Thu 24-Mar-16 17:25:05

Thanks for all advice smile
I decided to text him as this is our only way of contact,
Telling him it's not what I want and tbh I don't think it's what he wants either

I need to respect myself more and be more upfront to future partners what it is that I do want

We never discussed what we were otherwise I wouldn't have willingly walked into a fwb situation, I genuinely thought at first he was being shy and seeing how it went but 8 months is too long for nothing to change
I'm upset but I know I'd be more upset further along
Thanks everyone x

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 17:29:50

Be kind to yourself, keep busy and have a pamper.

You sound pretty clued up.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 25-Mar-16 00:01:14

This is not a FWB relationship and it's not even a fuck buddy situation.

What you set yourself up for is being a booty call for him, and I'm desperately hoping that you won't allow sympathy or pity for his alleged PTSD to cloud your judgement when it comes to ending it as this is a man you should have run away from within a very short time of hooking up with him.

Please don't be swayed by cheap words of affection; scratch the surface of this man and you'll find he's completely self-absorbed and doesn't give a shit about any one else and I suspect his basic nature was formed long before any PTSD manifested itself.

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