Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found out the man I married had been using prostitutes via the AW site!

(31 Posts)
ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 22:15:41

I thought I had met the perfect man! He would do anything and everything for me. He would woo me and romance me, over whelm me with gifts and make out he was so into me. We had been on and off for 9 years. Finally, thinking I'm not going to find a man this crazy about me, someone I can trust, rely on, depend on and respect. I loved him but not crazy love, just a comfortable love, thinking things could only get better cos we had so much in common.
Sex had also been on and off during that time, but when we got engaged, I said I want to wait till the wedding night so it would be special. So we got married, all this time his out there, arranging the wedding, going with me to the dressmakers, though he didn't see the dress, taking me to the jewellers, he did almost everything, all the wedding preparations. Wedding day went well, but for the wedding night, we had a massive row, caused by a family member earlier in the day, so we slept with our backs to each other and did not do anything.
After 3 weeks of no sex, one day, we did the deed! Something felt strange about it. That morning he went to work, I was at home. I decided to look at his iPad, I knew his passcode. I saw a text message and when I clicked on it, there was a photo of a prostitute. We got married in September, 2 weeks later he had been booking a prostitute. My heart just sank! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Then I digged deeper and opened up a whole can of worms. He'd been using prostitutes for as long as we had been together. He had a prostitute from AW 2 weeks before we got married. I found so much information and emails where he had been contact with prostitutes. I was sickened. I couldn't believe this man I trusted, who I never imagined could do such a thing - had been having prostitutes and also asking for sex with out a condom! obviously we had also been having sex without a condom! I did go and get checked out and all was clear. I kept quiet for a weeks to obtain more info. He than contacted a so called friend who he met via AW, who was an escort, and asked her if she knew anyone who he could have as a regular prostitute, and she suggested her self. And he said that though it felt odd as they were friends, they could drown a couple of glasses of wine and see how things go and stop if it gets uncomfortable, to which she replied - like a typical prostitute, she doesn't need it and to let her know when his ready.
Finally I couldn't keep it to my self anymore and confronted him. First he tried to blame me, saying I wasn't alway up for sex, and I clearly told him - I was not to blame for his pathetic actions. Unfortunately - I'm still married to him. But 2 years on, I am still angry and feel extremely betrayed with what he did and cannot forgive him. This was both of ours 2nd marriage, my parents adore him. I am indian and don't want to hurt my parents. But am not happy. I really do not like him and he disgusts me. We do not have sex much at all. And we don't talk to each other much and sleep in separate beds. I can't believe the man who said he'd never let me down - was a liar and a cheat of the worst kind. I needed to have it out there. He made me waste my years with him when I could have met a genuine sincere person who has morals and integrity and not a insecure lowlife who has to pay for sex!

0phelia Wed 23-Mar-16 22:25:07

Woooaah... Wha? Just got to the part where you found out about his prostitute habit, and he tried to blame you... You aren't "up for it enough" or summat to that extent.

Seriously, men like this much prefer to live the single life, paying for it when they wannit.

You are doing yourself nor him any favours by continuing with this relationship.

0phelia Wed 23-Mar-16 22:26:32

Like, Why bother? Seriously?

inlectorecumbit Wed 23-Mar-16 22:49:31

I am sure your DParents would love him just as much if you told them just what type of man you married--NOT.
Just leave -don't waste any more of your life on him

mum2mum99 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:17:47

He really treated you with contempt. None of this is an acceptable way of treating someone you love. How would your parents react if you were to split up?

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:19:21

it is difficult to walk away for now, but I know I will. I feel so betrayed that all time we were together he had prostitutes, I got access to his AW account and saw all his carry ons. Really sickening how someone you thought you knew, but really didn't! I would never have married him had I known he was using prostitutes. I feel he has decieved me into marrying him. I'm trying to get my finances together so I can leave! luckily I did not sell my house but rented it out. Though initially he tried to make me sell my house and invest the money in his property. I never did and I never would have. I want to make him pay for all those years his wasted of my life!
He even picked up the prostitutes in my car and bought them to his house! He had sunday dinner with my family and the same evening he was arranging to meet a prostitute. He acted like the perfect man! now I feel I couldn't trust anyone, especially as I had trusted him implicitely!
When he booked a pro he booked her like he was booking a chinese, a gfe, owo, 69, bj etc! I couldn't believe it, now he acts like his done nothing wrong and its been 2 years and I should move on about it? Would anyone be able to do that? Can such a deceit be forgotten? Every day I think about it and it makes me sick how he duped me into believing he was a good decent man!

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:24:57

Mum2mum99 - My parents have a few girls, unfortunately we all had bad luck with fellas and we had divorces, So they have been hurt a lot. When I met my husband he came across as a really kind caring good decent man, and because he ran around me and nothing was too much trouble, I thought I'd be silly to let such a good man go, so finally introduced him to my parents, they loved him. If I tell them now, it would break their heart. I've seen my parents hurt before and I didn't ever want to be in a position to see them hurt again on my account, or be shamed in front of other family cos again their daughters marriage had failed. And now my Dad is 80, I don't know if he would cope with the disappointment. If I told him what he had been doing - he would be disgusted, my parents have been married for 55 years! my dad has never even looked at another women. They would be heart broken - as they think he is such a good son-in-law! I don't know how they would take it , but think it would be very badly. grin(

Buzzardbird Wed 23-Mar-16 23:25:15

Rani, leave him. Do you have children?

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:32:06

No - don't have any children, but I came across this site when I saw AW on his credit card bill, and wanted some forum where I could talk about this awful situation.
I'm trying to get my finances sorted, I have a 3000 pound vet bill to pay off and want to sort my self out - when I leave - than I will be financially ok.

mum2mum99 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:33:51

Yes it sounds incredibly hard and painful. Particularly as he was such a nice man the rest of the time. It will be hard to give up on the side of him and the dream of a perfect husband. But he has always been deceitful.
As far as your parents are concerned, you can't be responsible for their feelings. You can't stop them feeling them. And they would not do something silly if they felt shamed, would they? smile

mum2mum99 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:35:07

sorry the smile appeared on his own and really NOT what I meant. I tried to type something else.

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:35:22

When I googled AW, found the link to this site, with some other women who had found out their husbands/partners had used escorts from AW.
We were planning on having a child via IVF or adopt, but then after I found out all this - I didn't go ahead with it

mum2mum99 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:40:42

having a child with him means you are tied together, which seems pretty much like a nightmare to me. Very wise of you to abstain.

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:41:29

mum2mum99 - thats fine about the smiley face! I think I just wanted to talk about it. as I feel I'm going crazy with thinking of how he deceived me all this time! and now making now that I should just get over it.
My parents wouldn't do anything silly, but I know they would be really hurt. I don't know if I can see them be hurt again. I've always thought of them first. so hard to now have to tell them - i know they are not going to be able to handle it...
I just wish i had never married him, or had found this out before! I don't wear the ring any more nor do I let him! as he never meant the vows he took! His friends who know think i'm crazy for still going on about it but I can't it out of my mind. So now he things I should drop it!

ranixxx Wed 23-Mar-16 23:42:51

off to bed now - but will catch up tomorrow! night and thanks for the comments.

MistressDeeCee Thu 24-Mar-16 01:10:48

He made me waste my years with him when I could have met a genuine sincere person who has morals and integrity and not a insecure lowlife who has to pay for sex!

This really sums this situation up. I know and understand you have a sense of duty, are thinking how your parents will feel, and as this is your 2nd marriage you don't want to walk away again. But, you must. This man is reckless, he will endanger your health, and his. Let him get on with his nastiness I imagine you cannot bear him to touch you. Can you stand the life you have with him, for years on end? Unto old age? I don't think so. You will leave. Good luck with your plans OP, you deserve so much better than this excuse for a man and husband

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 24-Mar-16 06:50:36

This is not something that a marriage can recover from.

Your relationship was never solid: on and off for 9 years, intense wooing, together with gross lack of respect.

Marriages are built on respect, and realistic expectations. You never had that.

It's been faltering for 9 years. Just give it a clean death now.

TheNaze73 Thu 24-Mar-16 08:09:25

I think you need to walk now. All the foundations of what you have, have been built on deceit & lies. Looking at a blokes perspective, I'm trying to find one justifiable reason for him, to have done what he did but, I can't

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Thu 24-Mar-16 08:25:40

I agree with RiceCrispie, your relationship never sounded solid. Why was it "on and off" for 9 years? Personally I think this is a good opportunity to make it "off" for good.

Buzzardbird Thu 24-Mar-16 10:52:04

Rani, the very last thing your parents would want is you unhappy in a marriage with him. Please don't risk getting pregnant with him, it would be unfair not only to you but the children too.

You can make an appointment with a solicitor, some offer 30 mins free consultation.

You are not tied to him.

Yseulte Thu 24-Mar-16 11:11:32

We do not have sex much at all

That should be never in the circumstances.

ranixxx Thu 24-Mar-16 21:42:04

we met via an indian dating site, he came across as someone who was kind caring and had a good mix of east and west. I had recently come out of a long relationship, where the guy had continuously let me down. This guy wined and dined me, made me feel really special. We dated for a year, but than I decided it wasn't for me, as he started to come across as insecure and clingy, he took the break up badly. After a while we got back in touch and were friends. He would just go out of his way for me. And always be there if I needed anything, be really reliable and dependable. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in another relationship, but seemed silly to let go of a man who seemed so much into me. We were semi- together. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married again. And I wouldn't commit completely. Up to this point, I suppose if he had one night stands or casual sex, I wouldn't have minded in some way, but not prostitutes. I've always thought men who used prostitutes were the lowest of the low. If I'd known he had used prostitutes, I would have completely walked away from him. I thought he had morals. I should have walked away from him, but kept thinking he was good catch, he loves me, his loyal and his been a solid guy. My parents met him and really liked him. In the end, I thought well I'm getting older and i've known him for so long, we are compatible and have lots in common. We got engaged, At this point I would have expected him to be fully committed. As I had introduced him to my parents, family and friends. But he carried on, using prostitutes, from the info I got from his iPad, phone and laptop. Even when we were making the wedding arrangements, he carried on almost everyday logging onto AW and contacting prostitutes, or having phone chats and viewing the webcam. He had practically arranged all the wedding and went out of his way to get everything perfect. We had 250 people there. But all the while he was still using prostitutes. And he had a prostitute 2 weeks before we got married. When we had sex, he would never use a condom, which now makes me sick, knowing what he had been up to! I thought I could push all this aside and try to make a go of things, but I now I know - its not possible. I just can't believe how someone can be so deceitful and a big fake. If I had known that he used prostitutes - there was no way I would have even considered being married to a guy like this. I never expected anything like this and not to the extent he'd been doing it. And for so many years, all the while making out he looked down on things like that. Just turned out to be a devious man! Then trying to arrange to have a prostitute on a regular basis after we got married. I don't know why he got married, he should have just stayed single and carried on as he was. I think he like the idea of being married, but wanted to have to keep on having his pros behind my back, but he got caught out which he hadn't expected.
I will seek solicitor advice. Thanks everyone for listening to my story! I can't believe how things have turned out! from the guy I least expected it from! grin(

ranixxx Thu 24-Mar-16 21:50:31

Not planning on having kids now. this was my second marriage and my last chance to have children! but well thats not happening.
My parents would want me to be happy. it will be hard for them and be such a shock as they also thought so highly of him. They will be heartbroken. It makes me angry as I had told him, that my family has had a lot of disappointments when it comes to relationships and that I didn't want to add to any more! he knew all this. His turned out to be such a shameless dishonest fake person I have ever met!

mum2mum99 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:55:21

Ranixx, don't blame yourself. There was no sign that he would act like this. Nothing could have prepared you for this. Life is full of surprises and still plenty of happy ones in the future. You are in England, thank God, so divorcing and re-marrying is acceptable.

Buzzardbird Fri 25-Mar-16 07:54:48

So, what are you going to do Rani?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now