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Actor out of hand? Is he cheating? And is it my fault if he is?

(44 Posts)
magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:11:34

I'm a NP to MN. Previous lurker. I need some advice. Me and my DP have been together six years. We have three children between us, one together. He's a good dad to them all. We met under unusual conditions, it's along story but to sum it up we had an affair, left our partners and stayed together since. Our relationship history is complicated but since committing to each other we've had a faithful, wonderfully honest relationship. Now the hard part. We are both part-time actors and end up at a lot of (fairly wild sometimes) parties, at one these parties a year ago I caught him in bed with another actress, (fully clothed but kissing,grabbing each other) I interrupted them, I don't on know what would have happened if I hadn't. The OW is also married to another actor on the circuit. We had a massive fight, they begged my forgiveness (eventually) and I put it down to drink, drugs and the fact that I'd laughed at them having a kiss in front of me earlier in the evening (like I said, wild party). We moved on, we've all worked together since, it's not been awkward..I honestly was ok about it,laughed it off. A year later, another party and they disappear,her husband tells me he thinks they will be "Together" so why don't we get "together" too? I'm not up for it, I love my partner. Lovely as this man is. Later my DP, the OW and the OWH ask me to go to bed with them all.I say no, the OW takes my hand and tells the men to leave us alone. We laugh it off. Later that night my OH joins us, they both fall asleep. I got to find her husband and see if he's ok being left on his own. I fall asleep in an upstairs bedroom alone leaving the OW and my DP alone downstairs. 2 hours later my DP wakes me up and drags me put the house, I don't even get to grab a coat, he's angry,sulky and won't tell me why.... He swears nothing happened between them he just wants to go. Am I an idiot to believe him? He's admitted since that they kissed again earlier in the evening but says that's all... Is it my fault because I let it go the once? I don't feel I can trust him... What do I do? We keep talking about it but he says he's learnt his lesson and only wants me, but I'm sad inside. We've got another show together and he's different with me to the other cast members...colder. Is that normal?

YouAreMyRain Wed 23-Mar-16 21:22:15

I strongly suspect that he is cheating. If you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship then none of this us your fault, how could it be? He is saying that to justify his behaviour.

Sleepyfergus Wed 23-Mar-16 21:25:00

Oh for goodness sake, you all need to grow up, take responsibility and provide a stable up bringing to all of your kids. I've never read such self indulgent sh*t.

I'm sure you've come on here for advice, but take a good look at your lifestyle and ask yourself if you would be happy if your kids were to do the same when they are your age and had kids themselves?

magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:31:51

Sleepyfergus what on earth makes you think I'm not providing a stable relationship for my kids? Because I party once every three or four months when a show contract ends? I'd be fine with my kids doing what I do... I'm an excellent mother and still a person who can do what she wants with her free evenings, thanks for the judgment... I'd be happy for my kids to sleep with whoever they want when they grow up, make whatever choices that make them happy. As long as it's honest and no-one gets hurt...which has gone wrong with me, which is why I posted. Self indulgent? How?

magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:32:36

We've always agreed to be faithful and I'd never do that to him. I did let it go a year ago though.

BunnyTyler Wed 23-Mar-16 21:41:16

...*we had an affair, left our partners and stayed together since. Our relationship history is complicated but since committing to each other we've had a faithful, wonderfully honest relationship.*

Faithful and wonderfully honest, apart from the times that he has been neither faithful nor wonderfully honest.

Read your OP back and decide if your relationship really is faithful & honest - I'd certainly not describe it in those terms tbh.

NickiFury Wed 23-Mar-16 21:49:04

I'm not really sure what the dilemma is here. If this is how you conduct yourselves at your "wild parties", then you can hardly be surprised if your relationship goes off the rails. Honestly though the whole thing sounds deeply silly and I am reminded of parties of my teenage years where everyone got drunk, snogged anyone in sight and then all argued and cried when pissed at the end of the night. Grow up.

magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:51:36

I obviously ment Weve always been honest up to now. Never lied to each other (as far as I'm aware) we dealt with some pretty big issues together. Yes we had an affair, for a week before leaving our partners, he was abused by his previous partner actualy and that left a lot of scars (in both senses of the word). We've always been honest about everythingup to a year ago.. That's why I posted...

Olddear Wed 23-Mar-16 21:51:57

But it is a relationship that started based on lies and deceit. And all this kissing this other woman, asking you to join them all in bed, I'm failing to see where there's any faithfulness and honesty in that. It all sounds rather sordid

magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:54:11

Wow, it really is suburban mother-ville on here.... I just wanted to be honest about my lifestyle. Wasn't expecting people on here to attack me and make me feel worse.. Will delete post, thanks fellow women of the world! I'm clearly the only person who has an unusual job and parties 3 times a year...fuck...

Robotgirl Wed 23-Mar-16 21:54:32

Is this for real? Wow. Just wow.
Do you use class As?

TheCometAndLittleLegend Wed 23-Mar-16 21:55:15

You got together with an unfaithful man and you need advice on whether he's still unfaithful?

Of course he is and you already know about one of them and laughed it off.

It all sounds like a right mess.

magpie247 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:55:40

Youaremyrain. Thankyou, for saying something kind, I guess I'm being cheated on but it's nice to hear it's not all my fault...

BolshierAryaStark Wed 23-Mar-16 21:57:01

What Nicki said.

Your relationship was built on mistrust tbf...

Koopz Wed 23-Mar-16 21:58:26


I'm confused, how can he be faithful and loyal when he is in bed with another woman?

NickiFury Wed 23-Mar-16 22:00:15

There's no real boundaries in your relationship is there, three times a year you both just do whatever you want with other people, of course it was going to escalate.

Aworldofmyown Wed 23-Mar-16 22:00:24

I think the lines have become a little blurred maybe. Sleeping and bedrooms are not really something I put with a party regardless of how wild unless they are swinging/sex parties.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about what behaviour is appropriate in a monogamous relationship.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Mar-16 22:04:41

If you move in racy bohemian circles a certain licentiousness, so to speak, goes with the territory and it can be very difficult to stay on the straight and narrow when you're caught up in the wonderful world of make believe that is show business.

We keep talking about it but he says he's learnt his lesson and only wants me Keep talking and look for the deeds behind the words that will prove he's learned his lesson.

Could he be 'cold' towards you in front of other cast members because he doesn't was them to think he's showing you any preferential treatment?

PacificDogwod Wed 23-Mar-16 22:05:38

I think that your take on 'committed monogamous relationship' and his take on the same thing are quite different.

Wild or suburban, vanilla life style have little to do with it.
The two of you are not singing off the same hymn sheet.

He will carry on doing what he does.
You will quietly seethe.
And your relationship will whither and die.

Unless you find a way to properly communicate your needs to each other. And listen. Really listen.

Consider relationship counselling - having a 3rd person in the room is very helpful.

BunnyTyler Wed 23-Mar-16 22:08:10

Am struggling to see where you've been 'attacked' on here, but maybe that's because I'm suburban...

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Wed 23-Mar-16 22:57:01

Yup you're living the wild high life there op. It all sounds so exciting.

Especially the bit where he's sulky and won't tell you why. Mmmmmmmmm mm.

Summerlovinf Wed 23-Mar-16 23:17:40

Well you know they kissed because you saw them and laughed...and the other partner knew what was happening when he propositioned you. Safe to say, your husband is not monogamous and neither are several of the others at this party.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 23-Mar-16 23:42:37

Some people find monogamy easy.
Some people (and I am one of these) find it hard but do it because they love their partners and don't want to mess up a happy life
Some people can't (or won't) stay faithful

One of the things that keeps people in the second group and not the third group is avoiding situations where infidelity would be easy. What would your partner say if you said that you wanted to stop the wild parties? Or at least stop the wild partying with his girlfriend?

Is fidelity a deal breaker for you? Does he know it is a deal breaker for you? Because the "laughing it off", suggestions of foursomes and random bed sharing are showing some very mixed messages if so.

Primaryteach87 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:50:11

I think you are all being very hard on OP.

OP - he knows it's not okay that's why he's lying. I do think he's lying. I doubt he intends/intended for it to happen. For your relationship to work I think he's got to a) admit what really went on and b) agree to following certain ground rules at these parties. That is of course, if you feel you can forgive him.

Since he's proven once (or more) he can't be trusted he had to earn that. So if I were you I would demand he stays in the same room as you for the whole party and does not make bodily contact with anyone other than you aside from very conservative gestures! That may make him seem 'uptight' in these circles but that's the price he pays for being untrustworthy.

Of course, you could decide he is a lying, cheating so and so and leave him....

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 24-Mar-16 08:38:03

I work in theatre, have done for over a dozen years. It's not an "unusual" job and I've never been invited to any wild parties. I'm sure many of us on here go to quite good parties, they just don't involve getting into bed and kissing other people.

I doubt you'll be back, OP, but if you do, helpful tip - paragraphs would be useful. You'd find it hard to read a script if it was all laid out like your posting.

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