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Sexually frustrated Husband

(989 Posts)
Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 20:29:55

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

rainbowontheway Wed 23-Mar-16 20:33:14

There have been times in my relationship when I could have written this exact post! The moodiness tends to be immediate and short lived with my OH and doesn't happen every time, but when it does I hate it. Feel guilty but also angry that he reacts that way.

ouryve Wed 23-Mar-16 20:37:28

Too right that you don't want to lie back and think of England. You're not a blow up doll.

The strops are incredible unsexy. He needs to stop being such a bully and wank more.

Becca1818 Wed 23-Mar-16 20:46:44

I couldn't have written this myself!

I'm up all hours with the baby and quite frankly I just can't be bothered.

Keep saying no unless you want to.

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 20:49:33

Oh but he doesn't want to wank.

I get so cross with him. His attitude is really hurtful.

TheNaze73 Wed 23-Mar-16 20:49:52

I think you should talk about it. This could become a massive problem. Sex & money are the two biggest downfalls of relationships apparently

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 20:52:13

I think that if we have therapy that he would actually be in for a shock as he thinks it's all me. He thinks all the issues lie at my feet. He is insisting on therapy but in my maybe cynical mind can't help but think that all he is focused on getting his rocks off again.

peggyundercrackers Wed 23-Mar-16 20:53:37

Sex is a privilege and not a right but it's a normal part of a relationship. If you are t happy then you need to think about where the relationship is going. Some people are happy to have a relationship whereby there is little sex but other don't like it and there are lots of threads on here about it from both sides. The answer isn't telling him to wank more.

peggyundercrackers Wed 23-Mar-16 20:58:06

brightlong I'm sure if you asked your DH about your attitude he would say it was hurtful too. You sound defensive - have you told him what you want and how you feel?

Secondtimeround75 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:02:23

Do you never want to have sex?

expatinscotland Wed 23-Mar-16 21:05:44

He won't wank? Wow, he really sees you as a sex toy.

sarahlou75 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:08:02

I've lived the other side of this. After pregnancy and a baby my Xp was not interested in me at all! Ever!

I would suggest reconnecting with your own sensual side. Relaxing bath, masturbation etc

Suggest no sex hands on with DH, massage etc. Try to rediscover what chemistry attracted you to want him before the DC's arrived.

Good luck it's hard flowers

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 21:10:41

Peggy I have but its not good enough for him.

Second I do but the constant pressure from him is such a turn off. I feel like he doesn't even see Me anymore. The end goal being to have sex. End of. I'm not sure I am even making sense.

gatewalker Wed 23-Mar-16 21:15:13

Brightling - Not to detract from your experience at all, but do you see him either?

Piemernator Wed 23-Mar-16 21:15:36

You are of course correct in everything you say op but are you talking weeks, months or possibly years.

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 21:30:05

Gate I do

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 21:31:10

Pie I'm not clear. Do you mean how long we've been together it how long it's been going on?

crazyhead Wed 23-Mar-16 21:32:51

I'd take him up and go to therapy. Not because you are wrong but because he needs to get some context on HIS behaviour

pocketsaviour Wed 23-Mar-16 21:35:26

I think Pie meant how long is it since you've had sex, and I was going to ask how old your youngest DC is and how many you have.

cowbag1 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:38:00

You are not responsible for fulfilling his sexual needs. Everyone should take responsibility for themselves. Why do people think this? If we were talking about you being responsible for feeding or clothing him, also basic needs, people would be up in arms!

Sexual satisfaction that comes from a mutual partnership is wonderful but it is not solely your job to ensure this he is satisfied at the expense of your happiness.

Don't think I'm explaining myself properly but this kind of childish sulking drives me mad!

salsamad Wed 23-Mar-16 21:44:35

No one wants to feel under pressure to have sex, but no one wants to be in a loving relationship where sex rarely happens.
You both need to try to communicate better with each other about how you are feeling and you need to listen to what each other is saying carefully. The more he is pressuring you, the more you are pulling away and it becomes a vicious circle. It also sounds like you are feeling down about your appearance and maybe lacking in confidence about your attractiveness. You need to tell him this.
It's important to keep being affectionate with each other with hugs and cuddles to maintain a closeness without you feeling it has to lead to sex.
If you both feel you can't talk/share or express yourselves without arguing about this then counselling maybe the way forward.

Brightling Wed 23-Mar-16 21:45:25

We had sex three weeks ago. He's been like a dog on heat ever since which has been a huge turn off and I have refused his subsequent many advances and he is now feeling very rejected because I don't find the sulking attractive.

Youngest child will be one in a couple of months.

slimochuda Wed 23-Mar-16 22:12:13

Brightling I read this and it made me very sad. I am a man. I am a sexual being too, but honestly next to voting UKIP and reading The Sun this behaviour would be the biggest turnoff I could imagine. I'm as imperfect a human as you will find but I shudder to think of ever making someone feel like this. It is so sad, the strops are killing romance as you see all the good gestures as angling for sex. It really comes across how cheap that makes you feel. I hate all this "being a man=xyz" stuff and it has caused me a lot of suffering in my life but I would think that there would be something very sexy about a man making it clear he desired you as he obviously does but also having the mental self control to accept your hegemony over your body. And yes putting up with the sexual frustration and even smiling through it. How wonderful for you both if he could be like that. Maybe somehow explaining you would find him accepting he has no right to sex it is your decision very attractive might be a starting point. You sound like a lovely person and your family are lucky to have you.

Naicehamshop Wed 23-Mar-16 22:19:26

Surely no one feels much like sex when they have a child of under one (plus other small children I guess?) I just remember being absolutely shattered the whole time.
I think going to a therapist is a good idea - or, rather, go for counselling and go together. Make it a condition that he comes with you; I think he will be surprised by what he hears about the selfishness of his behaviour!

Secondtimeround75 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:28:27

A therapist is a good idea
Good luck op

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