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What to do with these feelings?

(12 Posts)
fairymcscary Wed 23-Mar-16 15:20:42

I've been with DP for around 3 years. We are early 30s - everything plodding along fine, we don't live together or have any DC.

The problem is that a friend (not a good friend, just someone we know through other friends and occasionally see out and about) of ours drunkenly admitted to me that he likes me a lot and can't stop thinking about me. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested and it was inappropriate. He apologised when sober and said it was true but he wouldn't bring it up again. Rightly or wrongly I didn't tell my partner as I didn't want to cause a fuss.

The real problem is that now I can't stop thinking about this man. Its really shocked me. He's totally wrong for me in a lot of ways but thinking about it, we really did just 'click' and would end up in fits of laughter every time we chatted (which I didn't think of as any kind of romantic connection at the time) - whereas DP is much more serious and, while he's a lovely guy, we just don't laugh a lot together which I miss.

So how do I get rid of these feelings?! Realistically, I know I'm having them because he's funny and him liking me has made me feel good about myself and its all a bit new and exciting. I also know that him telling me this while knowing I'm taken means I could never really trust him. Not sure why I'm posting this really - just hoping someone will tell me these feelings will go away!

CheersMedea Wed 23-Mar-16 15:27:31

He's totally wrong for me in a lot of ways but thinking about it, we really did just 'click

Why is he wrong for you if you really "click"?

I also know that him telling me this while knowing I'm taken means I could never really trust him.

Totally disagree I'm afraid. Life is short. It would be nice if people who are right for each other meeting in a Hollywood moment of both being single - but life isn't like that. There' s nothing wrong in him telling you. You are the one with a partner (who you aren't married to, don't live with and don't have children with) so its your choice.

I would ask yourself the question about how you feel about your DP. Depending on your age, 3 years is a long time to be together without getting married/engaged/living together - or talk of that being on the horizon.

Could this man be a better partner for you? Are you scared of leaving a DP who isn't right for you ?

It maybe the answer is your DP is perfect and you should stay with him. But I don't think it's clear from what you've said - so all I'm saying is have a long think about whether "getting rid of these feelings" is really what you want to do or the right thing for you. It maybe breaking up with the current partner and seeing this new guy is the way to go. But it may not be.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Wed 23-Mar-16 15:33:34

Your DP isn't really a P If you don't live together/share finances/have children. He's a boyfriend.

You don't have to stay with him forever just because you've been together for 3 years.

I couldn't be with someone for ever if they didn't make me laugh until it hurt.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Wed 23-Mar-16 15:35:18

How is he wrong for you?

fairymcscary Wed 23-Mar-16 15:39:34

Thank you still and cheers. You are both right of course, and what I've been thinking (or trying not to think) is that the real issue here might be that DP isn't right for me (sorry still calling him that for ease). Its trying to separate that from these new feelings because I felt perfectly happy before. I don't want to throw something good away for this man who is unlikely to actually be a long term prospect for many reasons - one being that we don't really even know each other properly - we have never even been alone together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 23-Mar-16 15:43:27

I think that you're only interested in this man because he (drunkenly) confessed feelings to you. You're flattered, that's all. He doesn't mean it and you don't either, I think.

End your first relationship and explore this one if you want to, it doesn't sound serious anyway.

fairymcscary Wed 23-Mar-16 16:05:37

Thanks Lying - thats what I'm trying to work out. Do I want to end things with DP or are these feelings getting in the way of a perfectly good relationship?! For what its worth, he did confirm that he's felt this way for a long time when sober.

still - its hard to say exactly why he's wrong for me really as I don't even know him that well! His past girlfriends have been around 10 years younger than me, much more beautiful than I have ever been, and fun loving party-types - so why he is interested in me is something of a puzzle. We really have nothing in common in terms of interests etc.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 23-Mar-16 16:16:03

Fair enough, if you think he's actually serious and you like him then what's to stop you?

Wuffleflump Wed 23-Mar-16 17:38:36

"So how do I get rid of these feelings?!"

Assuming you do want to stay with DP, I'd just tell him, in a 'Hey, weirdest thing happened!' kind of way. You won't feel like you're keeping a secret, telling someone might defuse it and take away the excitement, you will know you will be observed around the other guy.

I've had crushes on friends while with my DP. Doesn't last, I'm extremely happy, but I don't stop having eyes just because I'm in a relationship. You were flattered, and exposed to an idea that wasn't there before.

But do think about whether you are happy in your relationship.

HeddaGarbled Wed 23-Mar-16 23:58:52

He sounds like a player. Lots of young and pretty girlfriends but will flirt with anyone even if he knows they are in a relationship just in case he strikes lucky. Good flirts are good at making women laugh etc etc. Of course, he's going to pretend he has "feelings" for you, rather than say he just wants to get into your knickers, just the few times, before he moves onto the next vulnerable target.

Non players do not suddenly announce that they have feelings for you, drunk or not. They test the water tentatively, gauge your reaction, only make a move if they are confident there is some reciprocity.

You are a vulnerable target because you're not sure where you are going with your partner. Do you want to get married and have children? It is interesting that you mention this in your first sentence along with your ages. Is your biological clock ticking?

Time to talk to your partner about where you are going. Marriage and babies or spilt. Other man is at best a catalyst for this conversation, at worst a wrecking ball to your relationship.

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Mar-16 08:04:37

I agree w PPs that the friend sounds like a player and that your relationship w your bf doesn't seem to be progressing. It's flattering to have someone confess they have a crush on you. Enjoy that but don't expect it to become a relationship

fairymcscary Thu 24-Mar-16 11:10:59

Thank you all. You have given me a lot to think about.

I have made him sound like a player and he possibly is - I know he was engaged a few years back and she called it off and he was incredibly hurt. I think it's since then that he has gone for the young, hot, fun girls and now he sees me as someone who is a bit more stable.

I'm not keen on having children so not in a rush to settle down with anyone, but after 2 years we do need to have a conversation about where things are going. I guess this whole thing has made me realise that I'd like a bit more laughter and excitement in my life (not specifically with this man though). Problem with DP is that every time I think I should start this conversation I just look at him and feel so sad about the thought of hurting him. Also wouldn't know where to start with the conversation.

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