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can anyone help me relax about sils wedding?(6 Posts)
It should be simple, sil's lovely, only met her dp a couple of times, but he seems lovely too. A little bit worried about money as it's a long way away, but doable if we tighten our belts a little so was really looking forward to their wedding.
Then mil mentioned that sil had said she could invite some friends to make the numbers up. Lovely.
Except one of the couples she's invited, let's call call them Dick and Fanny also have some serious history with my DH.
DH had some serious issues as a child and, at times, behaved appallingly. He had no confidence even as a small child, started taking drugs at 12/13, addicted to Heroin at 15, then following a bereavement started injecting, taking anything offered to just "sleep" all the time at 18.
At around 18/19 DH was still living at home and MIL was in in bits, both through the bereavement and trying to fix DH by enabling him (giving him money, babying him, etc). Dick and Fanny were a great support to her and also had a drug addicted son a few years older than DH. One day when MIL was at D&F's house and upset Dick offered to go around to talk to DH and try to persuade him to stop taking drugs and sort himself out. MIL agreed. Dick went around to MILs house, let himself in, forced his way through a locked door to get to DH and assaulted him. DH fled the house and called the police. Fanny then launched a campaign, supported by "everyone" to persuade DH to drop the charges so that Dick wouldn't get in trouble or risk losing his job because "he didn't mean anything by it", "it's just his way", "probably wouldn't have done it if if hadn't had had drink" because he's not a violent thug or anything :-S
DH didn't drop the charges, but he also didn't engage with the police after his initial contact and didn't go to court or even know when the court case was. Never the less CPS felt it serious enough to prosecute and Dick was found guilty.
MIL rarely sees Fanny now, but did find her a tremendous support back then.
I know i'm overthinking this.
It happened almost 20yrs ago before I met DH.
DH genuinely isn't bothered in fact part of him -still seeks their approval- wants to meet them again so they can see he's doing well and "no longer the Fuck up he was", but the thought of MIL introducing her DGC to them whilst I smile and be polite make m stomach turn. Yes, they were a great support to her when others turned their backs and yes she's entitled to be friends with whoever she wishes, but I genuinely never wanted nothing to do with them due to both of their behaviour (his assault and her victim blaming).
Can anyone help me get over myself?
I would go and be proud to be with the man dh is now. Shove it right in their faces.
Firstly are they even coming? She may have invited them but they might not accept.
Secondly, I agree with Stu be proud to be with the man your DH is now.
Thirdly, practise selectavision. I have a very troublesome dysfunctional family and manage to be at events with them without making eye contact or uttering a word beyond a hello/goodbye. It's actually quite easy to do and surely there will be enough of a crowd at a wedding to help you do this? If you're super very worried then maybe enlist some allies to keep close if Dick & Fanny are hovering.
I think it's 20 years past now and time to move on from this. Remember it's your sil wedding, not about this incident from the past. You can avoid them also if you want. Your Dh isn't too bothered so I don't think you should make any issue of it. It's 20 years, what are they really doing to say now especially in front of your kids?
Your DH sounds brilliant to have overcome all that and survived. I think if he is feeling calm about seeing them and is interested to catch up with them, then you just need to take a step back. Just follow the "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything" rule and excuse yourself to go and be elsewhere if they approach. Are you able to put in a very firm request not to be put near them on the seating plan?
Thanks all :-)
Stu - yes that's DH's attitude. For years he hated them, now he's mellowed and wants to show them he's better than them and be proud of who he is now.
Not planning on telling sil I have have problem with them and it's a small wedding so no chance of keeping my distance. The fact, thinking about it our DC are in the wedding so will be on top table with MIL leaving just me DH and MILs friends from our side so most likely all on a table together. Then afterwards MIL will want to sit with DH, DC and me. Dick and Fanny won't know anyone but MIL, DH and SIL so very likely well be sat with them all night.
Think I just need to practice indifference and pretend they're someone else!
Sweary yes they're coming and very much looking forward to it
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