Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Cheating husband?(21 Posts)
Hi, I am hoping you guys may be able to help me and give me some sound advice. My husband and I have two amazing children and until very recently I thought I'd had everything I'd ever wanted. Our baby became ill and was very poorly for some time, this was very difficult and stressful for both my husband and myself but I thought we become stronger than we'd ever been. The closeness sadly didn't last long and we began to argue about the littlest of things. We haven't been in a good place and just as I thought things couldn't get any worse - they did. We were in the car this one day, I was driving and my husband was trying to get something out from his pocket. He pulled a hand full of change, keys etc and also a condom. The colour drained from his face, the sheer panic was clear when he realised that I'd seen. The kids were in the car with us at the time, so I literally had to wait till that evening to confront him. He tells me "I know your not going to believe this, and it's really embarrassing, but I was going to use it when having a wank" (sorry). I didn't come in on the banana boat as they say and I certainly do not believe his very poor excuse. But he's sticking to it. Thinking of it, there are a lot of signs that I didn't pick up on before finding the condom. For starters we dont use condoms , actually we dont really have a sex life anymore, id made excuses for it with the little one being ill, we were both exhausted. He's very secretive with his mobile. He has a fingerprint lock on it and panics if I ask to use it and he has the mobile in his hand constantly. He works away on occasion so has the opportunity. I can honestly say I had him pegged as one of those guys who'd never cheat (I know every woman thinks this of her fella). He won't admit it, he's sticking with his story and I have no proof. Unfortunately there is zero trust now. Its neen a hell of a rough few weeks, We are civil if that. I just don't know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thanks in advance for any advice x
Sorry you are going through this. Bad enough at best of times but with an ill child...
It sounds very suspicious. Have you told him that you don't believe him? What was his response? I would find it hard to believe and then the trust would begin to chip away. Is there any way you could find proof because it doesn't look like he'll fess up...
His story isn't believable. Ask him to remove his phone lock and leave it on the side where you can access it. Ask to see all messages on it, as in now this minute, without any scurrying around deleting things first. When he says no, don't even get into a debate about it tell him to leave and stay with whoever it is as you have no desire to spend another minute with him.
It's all you can do. Force the issue. At the moment he has best of both worlds. Pull the rug from under him. Either he'll come crawling home, because he'll realise exactly what he is giving up (whether you take him back is another story). Or he'll disappear, and if he does you'll know that is what he was going to do anyway, but this way you'll be in control rather than everything happening because he says so.
My H cheated on me. I wish someone had given me this advice, because I wasted too many weeks before I finally took control. Once I did I felt like I could breathe again.
"Was going to use it to have a wank"
Sure. I'm surprised he didn't also tell you a big boy did it and ran away, and that the dog ate his homework.
I would just flat out ask him, out of the blue, to unlock his phone and give it to you. You've really got nothing to lose, but you can confirm in your own mind that he's cheating which may give you the impetus to make a decision on the future of your marriage.
That is one of the worst excuses I've ever heard. He should have addressed the issue of sex with you, not bought a comdom to crack one off into....
Thank you all for your advice.
I have asked him many many to fess up, it's all I want. I've made it clear that I don't believe a word of it. His response is always "well I don't know what you want me to say, I'm telling the truth".
I know it's the worst excuse ever - it's quite ridiculous.
I'm going to demand to see his phone tonight, if he declines to let me have it. Well then I know for sure he has something to hide. Thank you all very much x
I'm going to demand to see his phone tonight,
Unless he's extremely thick, he'll have dealt with the phone the same day you saw the condom.
It certainly seems to have many hallmarks of something suspicious doesn't it?
Do you have access to bank account to see if you can spot any suspicious transactions?
I really hope you get to the bottom of it OP
Sorry this has happened.
Agree that he's probably cleared his phone. I'd sit there later on tonight and casually ask for a look anyway! Do t let it be twisted around to be you being 'paranoid' In fact use that to your advantage, tell him that if everything is innocent - he won't mind you getting an itemised phone bill for his phone for the last 3 months. His reaction to that will tell you what you need to know.
op the term "just got off te banana boat" is a derogatory phrase
DarrenHardysDongo - your quite right, but there's not much else I can do. If he does freak out about allowing me to check it, it's evident that there is still something on there he doesn't want me seeing.
Yeah I have access to his bank details. There's nothing suspicious that I can see.
I appreciate your advice guys. Thank you
OP what do you want to happen. You don't believe him and neither would I. So even if he continues to deny it do you think you could live with that? Ultimately it is for you to decide. He will have cleared his phone. It might have been for a ONS. All comes down to what you want in the end. Hugs.
He will have wiped his phone already of anything incriminating so will probably be ready for the `let me see it`.
Sorry but I don't believe his story, if that was true then surely you'd have found them at home too?
Very difficult for you I'd imagine, all you can do now is be alert and aware.
I'm just wondering how things are op?? Hope you are ok xx
I hate to say it but I found an empty packet of condoms under my bed after I had been away for the night. My ex husband said they had been for his own use. He was also secretive about his phone . I found out he'd been having an affair.
Hey guys, just an update.
Things came to ahead, we both know that its over between us.
I did ask for his phone, he didn't give me it. I'd asked him to unlock it and leave it with me whilst he went out, so that I could look at whatever I wanted. Told me that ofcourse he would but unfortunately right now he needed it for work but he'd give me it later. Well that pretty much confirmed things for me. He'd obviously clear his phone and be happy for me to see it when he got home - I didn't bother to ask for it after that. I knew anything incriminating would be gone. I now know where we are - he's still denying anything but it's very clear to me that our marriage is over. We talked and he knows that its over, hes upset and says he doesn't want this. Hes continuing to say hes done nothing. He'll be moving out after our planned holiday. We decided to try and get through this next two months living as we are - if that's at all possible. We're booked to Cyprus in early may. It's been booked since last year, we'd loose too much money to cancel and I want to kids to have thier holiday. I'd go alone with the little ones if things are too unbearable. Which i can see happening, its bad enough being in the same room as him. To be honest i couldnt think of anything worse than going on holiday with him. But with everything our family has been through with the baby being so ill, I owe it to the kids to give them the best holiday I can. Our daughter is 7 in April and doesn't miss much but I'm trying to keep it well hidden at the moment.
I just need to come to terms with it all now.
Thank you to everyone who has took the time to advise me, i appreciate it all. X
Sorry to hear that. But at least you now know it's over. And you sound very clear on the way forward. And together.
Do you have friends and family that you are able to discuss this with?
He may well confess in a last ditch attempt to keep you. Fair play to you. I think a holiday without him would be best, just my opinion. The least he can do is step back and make this all as stress-free in you as possible. As a side note, I really hate liars. This refusal to admit the truth in spite of the evidence is ridiculously childish.
Well done for staying strong. I think you should start preparing now to go on hols with the DC and leave the lying fucker at home, because by that time you will be exhausted with trying to keep up a front for the kids when you actually want to push him off the balcony. Is there anyone else who could go in his place - your mum, sister, friend?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.