Name changed then changed mind

[newname4this1]

Have you ever gone to post in relationships then realised how stupid / bad / self inflicted it all is then changed your mind?

I just typed up a full word document on what i was going to post here. Read it, read it again and thought what do you think you are going to get from that post?

So a thread for anyone else who's relationship is just ridiculous you know it's ridiculous but you can't face the flipping obvious.

[Marchate]

The flipping obvious can be the hardest thing to look at x

[Funko]

I think sometimes, even when you know the answer, it's good for self esteem or piece of mind to get some validation. Or even spell out the ridiculous as you can't seem to with people in real life. Writing can be cathartic and messages boards and blogs are the modern way!

[newname4this1]

That's very true. After writing and reading i felt better. I thought there's no wonder you feel this so often. Even written down though you miss so much out that you feel you have to justify yourself. Try to make it fair too but it's actually at the point i can't even see what i'm doing wrong anymore.

Then u wonder, after such a hard time, are we still just in recovery?

Nothing is ever clear.

[Marchate]

Being 'fair' can sometimes mean being far too unfair on yourself. Giving the other side too much leeway, but giving yourself none

[newname4this1]

Thanks Marchate. That's where i think we are at.

Last year dmil passed away unexpectedly when i was 23wks pg with pfb and we had just moved house. Was a complicated pregnancy, at 27wks , 4 days after burying mil we discovered pfb had died. I delivered him a week after mils funeral. Ive never stopped for breath. I continued as normal housework etc but let dp off as he was grieving. The housework is now becoming a big issue particularly as dp likes to be in bed by about 8.30. I just feel like there is not enough hours in the day and any free time we have i spend doing things reluctantly however we never do anything i want to do.

We do have a bit of a backstory tbh he was very controlling at the beginning of our relationship and i kind of just fell into the trap as i wanted to make him happy oneofmyflaws ive had counselling he is now lots better, kind of grown out of it, but it still kind of hangs over my head.

[Marchate]

One huge problem with controlling partners (or parents) is that you know they can, any time they choose. So not being controlling right now can still be controlling! But forgive me my pet subject

You have had far too much to deal with. You need care and attention too. Maybe you are falling too easily into the woman as carer rôle and putting your own emotional and physical needs on the back burner?

[newname4this1]

He has a background thats made him into the person he is. Alcoholic dm. Absent df. Always had lots of material things but never talks about much else.

Im the opposite. Not much materialistically, parents married still, lots of love though. Dm always around.

Think that massively affects where we are at, i have lots of dbs too. Im used to playing the caring dsis so slotted nicely into that role for him. Did all this at counselling. Its helped. As i say, his controlling ways have naturally changed but when he suggests something he wants to do again and refuses to do what i want i feel like stomping my feet. He has one interest we do it every week i dont mind it but im give or take. I love cinema. In 4 years weve been twice as he doesnt like it. It sounds so silly but its becoming a massive issue for me. Just put yourself out once in a while.

[newname4this1]

He also does the dangling a carrot thing with getting married. Not that it matters at the moment as i wouldnt anyway were not in the right place but for 2 1/2 years he pulls it out of the bag when i make a stand but nothing has ever come of it. Ill be here in 10 years with it dangling still i feel.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Hi newname,
So sorry for your loss. That must have been/be awful to endure.

It sounds like you are well involved in the discovery process of the truth of your dp and are aware of the reality of him. It appears as though you are the "good enough for now girl". The carrot/ring dance is just humiliating and I would guess he gets a good measure of entertainment from it.

Yes, the next step-what to do about it? You know what to do; or rather you know what you can not do...putting up with this will grind you down to dust.

I hope you will do your choice without him. If he is sincere about curbing his controlling ways he should take notice and respectfully cooperate. If not...well then...more and more activities on your own. Do not become invisible in deference to his presence. You are important. If you are not important to him , then there really isn't a relationship...it is more of an employment contract.

[newname4this1]

Thanks band. I do agree with some of your post but i have to admit i do think he genuinely loves me and wants to be with me but he knows how important marraige is to me and im not sure hes that into it but he says it because he's afraid i will not want the relationship if it doesnt end in marraige.

He says it when things arent going well to stop me cutting my losses i guess.

I am at the point now though where i am doing more alone mainly because i want to do things i enjoy doing. Maybe it's the beginning of a natural end?

I told him saturday i was leaving he begged me not to told me he would change and i think he thinks he is changing but im so far down even if he's made a slight effort it's almost like it's not registering with me. For example he has stayed up until 9 this week. Hes also washed up a couple of times and brought some washing in. It has been a help and ive thanked him for it but its still not enough when im still sorting things out at 9.00pm and he says hes going to bed. Fwiw hes late 20's me early 30's almost 3 years between us.

[newname4this1]

For info i want to add aswel that he works 26hours does a post grad degree one night a week and the study involved with that nearlyoverthankfully i do 38 hours with an hour travel every day.

[Marchate]

Equal tiredness then x

He is milking it. He wants his needs met with little or no reciprocation. "Helping" a little bit is not what's required. You have joint responsibility for the household tasks. He can't claim tiredness to excuse him any housework, but expect you to do it

He has positioned you where you are most useful to him. More control, I'm afraid

[newname4this1]

I just don't know how to make it better. I am fast becoming a horrible whingeing partner not by his account, by mine. I am sick and tired of moaning about things.

I know i keep pointing the finger elsewhere but in his df's house it is very traditional oldfashioned in that he works and his dp does the house things cleaning cooking etc. Although studying, which i appreciate is hard work, she doesnt work so it's easier. I know this after being on maternity leave 4month after ds was born. I managed just fine then and felt it only right i did everything as i was off even though i was grieving.

[Marchate]

Well I think the situation where you did the chores has 'stuck'. That needs to be put right if possible because it's not fair, over and above your other very real problems

[newname4this1]

When i have got in he has dried and out away two lots of washing and put the bins which is a good start. I hope hes getting better.

I know theres other problems. I hoped they would be picked up in his counselling but his counsellor allegedly told him he doesnt need it and in one particular instance where he was horrible to me in the middle of a restaurant he told his counsellor who apparently said he would do the same. We dont go in depth about his counselling though nor mine.

[Marchate]

It's a sad fact that counsellors, in trying to see both sides to a situation, often believe everything they are 'fed' by controlling or abusive partners. There was a whole thread recently about Relate. Some of the posts were so upsetting. Lives actually wrecked by counsellors

[newname4this1]

Its really appauling. In considering complaining. He is their for grief counselling first and foremost and apparently he doesnt need that as hes just grieving.

In the restaurant my dp was at the bar ordering his meal he wanted mushrooms and the waitress said they didnt do them but i had seen in the menu u could order a steak topper containing mushrooms so i shouted dp and was trying to tell him the option but he shouted back aggressively for me to shut up and something else i cant remember. Enough to humiliate me to the point i had to hold back tears. And that is what the counsellor condoned.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

If he loved you, he would not publicly humiliate you.

If he loved you, you would already be engaged (or not have mentioned it yet) and not use that as a tool to control and manipulate you. He is treating you like a dog, new, training you: you stand up for yourself (barking)-he mentions the ring (training tool)-you stop asserting yourself and shut up. He wins and you are made subordinate.

How do you know what his counselor said? Do you sit in the appointments? If not then you only have his word for it. And yes, he would to lie to you about it: there would be nothing more delicious than having a professional on his side validating and endorsing his behavior. On top of that (!) he trots home and rubs it in your face. Wouldn't it be a little more appropriate to keep counseling private and just re-calibrate the questionable behaviors?

How are your finances set up? Do you own your home-whose name/s is on the deed?

The way the friend's household is set up has nothing to do with your household.

I may be cynical, but his protesting you breaking up the relationship was not about love, sorry. He has very nice service from you and he would be hard pressed begin again with someone new. He is motivated to make all kinds of promises (lip service) to maintain how sweet he has it set up now.

I don't think he is a keeper, sorry. From your posting, I think you know in your gut that he isn't a keeper either.

[Marchate]

newname - exactly what that type of counsellor does. If they are not clued up about emotional abuse they fall for the abuser's story. It's usually accompanied by a very sad face, if not full scale weeping. The 'empathic' counsellor sees a man in distress and runs with it. They don't see the manipulative actor in front of their nose!

If I can find that Relate thread I'll link it

[Glastokitty]

This sounds like a miserable way to live. It sounds to me like you're flogging a dead horse, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, and this just sounds like hard work. I think at the very minimum your partner needs to be kind (and make you laugh too), and this just sounds exhausting and soul destroying. I think marrying this man would be a mill stone round your neck, and life is long and hard enough without that.

[newname4this1]

We rent and our money is our own. It works rather well. When we first moved out, because i wanted to, i paid more as his wage wasnt very good and that was fair. He now gets paid more (depends on a monthly basis really, sometimes 100 sometimes 300) and now we pay roughly equal although he pays food which fluctuates and is usually more than we budget for. He does pay for me often if we go out as well as i'm not in a position to really due to debt issues (mostly before i got with dp and then escalated when moved out but that again is my issue as i cant say no and have been brought up with a dm who says u may get run over by a bus tomo).

I sometimes think 4 years isnt long to get engaged. I also think for the last two yeas weve had nothing but heartache so its not really been the right time but what i really need to know is whether he does or doesnt want marraige. I could wait to be engaged as long as i knew it would happen.

Im not sure why we talk about counselling really he is a bit of a closed book emotionally e.g. he never really cried after ds was stillborn. I ask him if it has gone ok. He told me in retaliation for me having a go about the restaurant think that his counsellor had said that i think. I cant really remember.

[IDismyname]

I would very very seriously consider the prospect of NOT marrying this man.

You've been through a lot together, but for you to be questioning his behaviour, and hoping it'll get better, then maybe it does, then it doesn't....is not right for a couple considering marriage. There will probably be years of angst ahead of you.

It will be desperately hard to leave him atm, but you have no idea how hard it'll be a few years down the line when you've got DCs and a mortgage. There are plenty of threads out there to confirm this.

I know that's not why you posted, but please take a step back and consider your options. Maybe move out for a bit and give yourself some space and perspective?

[DoreenLethal]

OP - seriously. Too much drama for your life.

Please see that this relationship really is going nowhere. You really need to end it.

[Footle]

In retaliation ? Inappropriate or what ?

[newname4this1]

Retaliation was maybe a harsh word maybe response would have been better.

I've tried the moving thing i could definitely not do it on his watch. I woulf literally have to take a day off work unbeknown to him and leave without him knowing. I'm prepared to do that if i feel it necessary but tbh i feel like i owe him more than that.

I know it happens every day but i really dont want to start a family with someone other than my ds's dad. It would be so complicated and there is already complications due to where ds is buried. I know someone who loved me would accept it and support me but i just arent ready to walk away from what i consider to be my family right now. But i understand what you are all seeing which is why i never posted my original thread when i read it in black and white it's clear as day.