I am currently going through what is turning into a messy divorce. Please bear with me, this could be long.
We have two children, DD15 and DS8. The stbxh has always had a volatile relationship with dd, violence has been involved and it was one of the biggest reasons I made him leave. He left six months ago, and has had no visitation with dd at all, yet regular contact with ds. Despite her feisty front, she is one very hurt 15 year old girl and it breaks my heart.
Sadly on the weekend, things reached boiling point and my ex assaulted me in front of the children, he then called the police and said I had assaulted him and tried to have me arrested despite him knowing I was alone with the children with no one to look after them. As it happens I had logged the incident with 101, so although the situation is on going, I wasn't hauled away in a police van for being assaulted. We are both to appear at the police station in 9 days, and I have very good legal representation so am not too worried about it. I think he thought they would call him to "come home" and he would then be back in the house. It is very much a source of anger for him.
Anyway, his parents have always been rather full on and not discreet in their dislike of my daughter. A few weeks ago after my son had spent the night with them, I picked him up from school and he instantly burst into tears. Told me some of the terrible things that his grandparents had been saying about both me and my daughter. Things that even if they were true (they aren't!) shouldn't be put on an eight year olds shoulders. The poor mite had it whirring around his head all day .
My daughter called her grandparents and confronted them over it, they accused my son of lying. He was upset by this so they then admitted that yes they had said these things but they were mad that my daughter hadn't replied to a text they sent her. She didn't actually get any text, but even if she had, 15 year olds aren't known as the best at keeping in touch with anyone but their friends. They said that if they text her they expect an instant response, and if in future they don't get it then they will withhold the money they had put away for education from her. She told them in no uncertain terms that she didn't want or need their money and wouldn't be held to ransom. It makes me so sad and angry that everyone sees her as the bad one. She doesn't cover herself in glory, but I see the hurt that she is struggling to express along with the pressure of her parents divorcing and her exams. She is just a child, yet her dad is always the victim.
I haven't stopped contact with ex or his parents despite the upset it causes dd. it is very hard to balance ds seeing his dad, against the damage it causes to dd every time she is left at home.
So after this weekend, things have come to a head. His parents have become even more venomous, saying they will take me to court for formal overnight access, telling my son that mummy stole daddy's house and the police are going to put me in prison because I'm a bad person and that's what the police do, and various other things like that. He has come home a very angry boy. Aimed at both my daughter and me.
I don't want to stop contact with his dad, but I need to protect ds emotional wellbeing and his relationship with his sister. They will be siblings long after we have gone, and I feel that damage caused now will be long lasting.
I have suggested to my ex that until the police proceedings are sorted, contact with his parents shouldn't be allowed. My suggestion was that in the first instance he and dd get counselling and then perhaps bring the parents into it.
I know I can't stop him doing what he wants to do on contact time, which is already a bugbear since he doesn't really spend time with his son anyway. He is always in the pub and palming him off on his parents anyway. But I don't know what to do or where to turn. What can I do that is best for both children?
Ex has isolated me from all my family except for my dad with his lies. He follows a very standard abusers script, but even so he seems to be very convincing to even the smarter members of my family :(
One more but of background, dd and grandparents had a very strong relationship until my son was born. That is the point when she stopped being the golden girl to them as they now had the grandson they had always wanted. My two are their only grandchildren.
So if you have got this far, thanks for reading.
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worried about grandparents contact
11 replies
lonelymum72 · 23/03/2016 09:50
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