I have NC in case anything here is identifying. I’m trying to neither ramble, nor drip feed, hope it’s clear.
I was with DH for 25 years, suffered from his controlling behaviour and EA for an increasingly large part of this time. DD (18) & I have always been close; but DD and DH have had a pretty fractured relationship due to his EA throughout her life. I’m deeply ashamed that I allowed that to happen, and it was the finally the catalyst for me to leave him.
After a couple of false starts I left 3 months ago with DD, telling him I just didn’t want our relationship anymore; really didn’t want to confront him with the horrible truth of just how shit he made both of us feel on a regular basis . Almost overnight we both started to feel better; not walking on eggshells the whole time meant we could take pleasure in the simplest things. I wasn’t naïve enough to think our problems were over, but was sure this heralded a new beginning for us both.
At the time we left DD was a little anxious over how visits to DF. She has been visiting weekly or so at his suggestion/insistence but with increasingly levels of anxiety about the visits and how clingy he has become.
Fast forward to two weeks ago; STBXH diagnosed with cancer. As yet we are unaware of the extent and therefore treatment options; he doesn’t have any physical symptoms yet. He is by nature a worrier/pessimist and I am accompanying to appointments, and supporting him best I can. I appreciate how stressful this is for him, and for the record, I do care. I’m also urging him to increase his support network.
However, this is where the real problem arises - the diagnosis appears to have given him licence to revert to his controlling ways. He is leaning heavily on both of us emotionally; I reckon I can hack that for a bit, but I absolutely don’t want DD to suffer further. He isn’t particularly close to family and friends, but has categorically stated that he only wants the support of DD and I, no-one else, including professionals. If we text, it’s why didn’t we call; if we call, it’s why didn’t we visit; if we visit, why can’t we stay longer, each with him becoming visibly upset. For example he called last week very uptight; I mentioned that DD didn’t look like she was dealing with things very well, and that he couldn’t use her as a crutch. He started kicking off, called her mobile, demanded that she speak to him and arrange a visit as “I’m f*ing ill!” .
Please wise MNetters, help me find a solution to retaining some distance with STBXH and keeping both DD and I able to cope.
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Relationships
Left Emotionally Abusive DH but didn’t expect this, how to cope?
27 replies
LeastOriginalUsername · 22/03/2016 16:55
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