Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I know I should leave but..

(19 Posts)
absolutelypathetic Tue 22-Mar-16 05:33:33

I'm so pathetic. I went to bed before him we have 1yo twins who I cosleep with in an attempt to get by. We have other young children so can't rest during day. He woke me up after midnight by shouting my name from downstairs. Like a dog I come running. He shouts at me for various things mainly the house not being organised. It's cleaner/ tidier than it has been but far from perfect really he's pissed off because I went to bed before him; punishment for not delaying my bedtime/ twins bedtime to hunt for something he said he needed for tomorrow at the last minute. He's been violent before and he's agressive and intimidating so I've been up since then with at least one twin reorganising kitchen.

He wants me to get up at six before everyone to have things ready before anyone else wakes up. Also to come back down and clean once I get twins down. That they wake up when I leave and are really hard to resettle are lost on him. That I am woken multiple times and bf/ resettling taking one downstairs to avoid waking the other is disregarded. It really annoys him when other people say how hard it must be for me with the dc as he has it so much harder as he earns all the money.

He says I can't afford my life which is probably true. The house is in my name which feels like a millstone as it means I couldn't get housing benefit were I to leave. He's stated that he'd burn the place down if I was to try and get him to go. I really think he just wants to drive me into committing suicide when convenient for him; I feel like I should just cancel the policy but invariably it'd be the dc that would suffer.

I think I need help to build my confidence/ develop a sense of self worth, no idea how to go about that whilst i'm being tortured with sleep deprivation though.

treaclesoda Tue 22-Mar-16 05:37:13

Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid ?

You can't go on living like this, and it's not a happy environment for your children either. You deserve so much better.

treaclesoda Tue 22-Mar-16 05:38:05

And you're not pathetic. You're tired, worn out, confused, abused, all those things and more. But you're not pathetic.

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 22-Mar-16 05:38:30

Have you phoned Women's Aid to discuss your options?

Calling yourself pathetic, a dog, etc does yoy no good. Call yourself a woman in a tight spot, but capable of taking action, and see where that takes you.

Speaking as one who was once where you were.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 22-Mar-16 05:52:13

Women's aid, please. He's very abusive. You need some proper advice.

Spandexpants007 Tue 22-Mar-16 06:04:00

He needs to leave. Woman's aid

absolutelypathetic Tue 22-Mar-16 07:20:06

Thank you for replying I know he's abusive deep down. He often makes me say that he's being reasonable when he's going off on one. "Is it unreasonable for me to.." It's hard to have perspective when you're declaring yourself pointless on a regular basis.

The DC just seem immune to it all which speaks volumes really.


givepeasachance Tue 22-Mar-16 07:26:42

I'm so sorry you are living like this.

Step 1 for you is realising you don't have to. And furthermore that you and your children are in actual danger.

How educated are you about abusive men?

They follow very similar patterns and you could do with cluing yourself up pronto on the danger you are in.

Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? is the best start but DO NOT LET HIM SEE IT.

Just do one thing today that moves you in the right direction. We'll hold your hand.

givepeasachance Tue 22-Mar-16 07:29:57

Just to be clear, if you can start to believe that you are living with a dangerous criminal (because he is) rather than a loving husband and father, you may be able to start exploring your options. Which of course the brilliant women's aid will help you with.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 22-Mar-16 07:36:15

Sleep deprivation is a well known form of psychological torture.

Are you married to this violent and oppresssive tyrant? Regardless, as the house is in your name there's no reason why you and your dc should be uprooted when occupation and non-molestation orders will serve to keep out of your home and away. from you and your dc.

As for his threat to 'burn the place down', that's par for the course as he's no different to countless other physically abusive and controlling men who attempt to subjugate women by intimidation and threats of violence.

In all probability, he'll change his tune once this particular threat is made known to the police and other his control of you can only flourish in secrecy and once you start speaking out you'll reclaim your power and may find that you have the whiphand over him.

Please don't fear that you'll have to face him alone as court orders can be served on him and the police can be present when he collects his belongings, or they can be packed ready for collecion/delivery to his new address. Do you have supportive friends/family members who'll rally to your cause?

You can't continue living like this and I dread to think of the effect it has had, and is having, on your dc.

Find your nearest Women's AId service here and make contact with them as a matter of urgency:

Chocolatteaddict1 Tue 22-Mar-16 07:43:01

Your not pathetic your raiding three kids. That's not easy.

He is a horrible bully and you need to get yourself and kids away from him. Do you want them turning in to a vile pig like him ?

You don't have to live like this you really don't. Phone women's aid just to see what your options are.

AddictedtoGreys Tue 22-Mar-16 07:43:24

As PP have said, please speak to women's aid while he is at work. You deserve so much more than this and so do your children. What he's doing is cruel. Don't let his pathetic threats control you thanks

WienerDiva Tue 22-Mar-16 07:43:52

I couldn't just read and run.

You are NOT pathetic.

By the pure fact you've come here for support means that you want your life and your children's lives to change for the better. It might take some baby steps (coming on here is a good start) and you may have your moments of doubt.

But we are always here.

Goddess is right on the money with her post.

But you and your children deserve better than what you've got.
That better isn't necessarily a man. But a home whereby nobody feels threatened and they respected.

Unicow Tue 22-Mar-16 07:59:21

You are in no way pathetic. Please contact women's aid. There is help for you out there and you won't regret taking it. thanks

Rainbowlou1 Tue 22-Mar-16 08:01:33

Please contact women's aid, if you go on the website you can click a button that hides the website from your history.
You have lots of support here xx

Rudeabaga Tue 22-Mar-16 08:33:31

HB capital rules : the value of the home you own will be disregarded for 26 weeks if you cannot live there because of a relationship breakdown.

If you put the property on the market it can be disregarded for another 26 wks for Income Support/HB. Indefinitely if taking reasonable steps to sell. Get some benefit advice from a specialist (not a CAB assessor, somewhere like Gingerbread or Turn2us) as your area may not have HB/IS for very long due to universal credit.

That could buy you at least 6 months to consider your options, including getting him out of your home. It means you could get hb in al refuge. And it could get you away from this nasty man.

MummaEP15 Sat 26-Mar-16 23:04:52

Sweetie you aren't pathetic at all. I'm in a similar boat to you but I only have 1 little one. I completely understand how you feel, especially the situations where you argue &he makes you say that he's not in the wrong &that you are the one 'being unreasonable' etc. because you know that if you don't it will just carry on & he will get worse. its horrible and truly exhausting, never mind how exhausting it is after having next to no sleep.

Its really tough to deal with especially with kiddies &im still not out of mine because I am the only one that knows hes like this at the moment &I really dont know how to go about leaving because Im scared of doing it all alone. but please dont delay like i have and take the steps to leave, contact womens aid and make a plan for you and the little ones.
Get out of the situation you are in and create a much happier and safer one with your children.

tipsytrifle Sat 26-Mar-16 23:39:29

You totally need to find your inner tigress as of now. The home is yours. He needs to be gone. Listen to what goddess advises, she is always spot on. Others have very sound advice about if he won't go and to be honest this sounds like an emergency situation to me. Safety really is an issue and escape may be necessary.

BlueFolly Sun 27-Mar-16 02:10:17

I know how hard it is to leave a relationship when you feel bullied. Being bullied makes you feel pathetic - that's the whole point of it, so that he can feel strong and powerful at your expense.

Many, many, many women do leave abusive relationships and most have felt before they left that leaving was impossible. (I don't have any statistics to back that up but it seems likely smile).

For me it was realising with certainty that things were never going to improve that gave me the final shove. I'm not generally the type to recommend self help books as of course they're a bit naff, but I read 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' and that really helped.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now