DH works away - anyone else?

[LongWeek]

My DH has a job which requires him to work away from home Monday - Thursday every week.
This is not going to change.

I really miss him. I stay up late when he is away, because I hate going to bed alone.
I have to manage the kids (3 of them) during the week. He is often busy at weekends due to work too, so our weekends are not together either a lot of the time.

Does anyone else hVe DP/DH who regularly works away? How do you deal with it? Any advice?

And please, don't try and give me advice about changing this. It cannot change, I just have to get better at dealing with it.

[TattyCat]

Same here - Monday to Friday though. 3 stepDC (but growing up so don't see much of them anymore).

Monday nights I don't go to bed until silly o'clock for some reason and it sets the scene for the rest of the week really so that when DP comes home on Friday, I'm flat out by 9pm!! I don't sleep as deeply during the week.

Weekends are precious to us, so we do try to avoid doing anything separately - it means we only have 4 whole days to do our own thing every month.

I like my own space, but I have to admit I'm a bit fed up of it now, after 2 years (he was previously away temporarily for about 8 months then back working closer for a while). I think ultimately, we will change the situation because we're in a county that is a bit of a bugger to get to at the best of times albeit we have a very good life with plenty of outside space that can't be found elsewhere without £££.

[TattyCat]

How old are the DC? Would it be feasible to send them to grandparents one evening a week so that you can travel to wherever DH is?

If DH is home on a Thursday, then presumably it's only 3 nights out of the week - could you find something to do in the evenings at home as a distraction? Perhaps get crafty and sell things on eBay? That can take up an awful lot of time!!

[Pippin8]

We had this kind of arrangement when DS's were 9 & 13. It was hard, I did everything around the house, sorted the kids & dog & worked part time. Hardly saw DH at the weekend either. So when we did we made the most of it.

We really needed the money then, so I guess I just sucked it up. Having good friends & family around me at the time really helped. I made the most of eating what I wanted & watching what I wanted on tv. I also did fun stuff during the light summer nights. We went for dinner at various family members houses & went to the park lots.

The one positive was that mine & the kids relationship flourished & we became really close as we began to share the same interests etc. I had loads of time for homework & play & was generally a fun mum. I hardly had to discipline them as they had my attention so they rarely played up.

The downside was DH's relationship with them became almost non existent. They get on now, but I would say that they prefer my company to his.

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

1. He works away from Monday to Thursday, comes home Thursday night and his work also subordinates family life on Saturday and Sunday.
   

1. He is around on Friday only.
   

1. His situation cannot change.
   

Can you change? This is a really unusual situation if you cannot, because I do not believe for one minute he is an astronaut. Your parameters leave little hope of any advice that could make a meaningful difference to your life. So, what is going on? Why is change impossible?

[AdoraBell]

Mine lives overseas. We did all live together but bringing DCs back here became kind of urgent. I concentrate on DDs, dogs, house and business, when I'm not MNing. And I enjoy watching what I want on telly with no consideration of what anyone else might to watch. We are all going to stay with him for Easter

Does he need to work his weekends, or could you insist that weekends are family time?

[LongWeek]

Hi tattycat,
DCs are school age, and grandparents too far away so travel to DH not possible
It is usually only 3 nights, though some weeks it's 4 or 5 depending on his work.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who does silly o clock Monday nights! I start watching something, and then something else, and just don't stop.

Sadly I'm not at all crafty! I am determined not to always sit at home, so if the chance comes up (not often) to go out, I get a babysitter. My MIL is horrified by this!

I find the transitions difficult- Monday mornings I'm always grumpy, and Thursday nights I'm grumpy too. Its great to see DH, but I somehow feel cross when he gets back that he's been away. Of course, he's delighted to see me, and can't understand why I'm grumpy and a Bit off.

I do like my own space- I just wish I had less!

I feel lonely. I don't know anyone else who does this. If I mention it to anyone, they just suggest I move to be where he is, and that s not an option for us.

[Roseberrry]

Nearly the same as you op. He works away Sunday night - Wednesday night and often busy weekends, we have 2 young children and a puppy. I'm a SAHM so I think that helps us, I'm around all the time he is home. It's hard work though and I miss him a lot. Sometimes the time apart becomes too normal and we find ourselves disconnecting.

[TattyCat]

I totally get the feeling lonely. I moved from the lovely Stratford upon Avon to be with DP (as he needed to be close to his DC) and I now find myself stuck in an area I don't really want to be in, whilst he is working away anyway! It's all a bit bonkers but I'm trying to make the most of it. My friends are a minimum of an hour and a quarter drive away, and I find over winter that I really don't want to make the journey. We're unable to accommodate anyone at the moment, so I can't invite people here.

Could you organise nights in with friends, perhaps? Are your friends local (assuming they are if you do manage to get out now and again)?

[Roseberrry]

What is your problem silverfox?! They can't change it because they can't change it. It's none of your business.

[LongWeek]

Oh I'm slow typing!
Lots of replies!
Silver fox he works Friday's also, and weekends stuff. It cannot be changed.

He is an MP.

He has to be in London Monday to Thursday.. He has constituency work on Fridays, and events every Saturday. He does constituency events about every month on Sunday's.

You can all hate me now.

We have primary age DCs and a dog, This area is our home. We have to either do this, or live in London. Then he would go 'home' to constituency on Thursday nights, and we would join him for Saturday's and Sunday's.

As I said, this arrangement cannot change.

If he did not work weekends he would be totally slated by the electorate.

In addition to the DH being away, I have to deal with being the 'MPs wife' everywhere I go, and not being able to be honest with anyone about how I feel, what I think or how crap it is that I don't get to see him every day.

So there it is- my life!

[TattyCat]

One thing that has helped us is making Friday night 'our' night and come hell or high water, we go out for dinner, as soon as he gets home. It's our time to catch up on the weeks events (we do speak every day as well but it's not the same) and time for us to reconnect. Could you put aside an evening a week (PIL can babysit?) and do this?

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

OK, sure

[LongWeek]

Too late rose berry! I've said the bit that I wasnt going to!

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

That was to Roseberrry by the way.

[LongWeek]

Silver fox was that at me?

[TattyCat]

He's working 7 days a week, every week????!!!

[LongWeek]

Cross post

[Februaryblue]

We did this for many years, from when dc were quite small. It does get better honestly. I used to get a regular babysitter one night per week and tried to always do something with friends/ work late or even just go swimming one night. The other nights I tended to go to bed early, have a bath, read or generally do things I wouldn't if dh was there. Thursday nights were always 'our' night and I would cook and we'd have a glass of wine and stay up late chatting. The weekends tended to be really busy with dcs wanting lots of attention from dh.

Actually that was the worst part I think. As the dc got older they really missed him. Hope you all get used to it soon and settle into a pattern

[LongWeek]

Roseberry I have been surprised by how quickly the 'normal' of DH being away has got normal for the kids.

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

Yes, very unusual.

The odds of being a partner to an MP is about 70,000 to 1. No experience of this kind of thing other than to say it may not be forever.

[Februaryblue]

Ha. Cross post from me too. But do hope you all get more used to it soon

[Southernlassie]

I have so much admiration for MPs and their families. There's s huge amount you give up.

Can you not spend time in London with him?

Extra time together during recess periods?

I take it he was elected in May, so only been in proper since September - you're stil getting used to it

[LongWeek]

February, Thursday nights have become our new weekend! He usually gets back between 9-10ish, and then we sit over beer/wine and digest the week.
If we don't get that because he has a meeting, it's even harder.

Silver fox- certainly not forever, but fixed parliaments means that at least I know we are working on 5 year stints...

Yes elected in May, so yes, fairly new to it.

Recess can be good, but there are more constituency things to do, and foreign trips etc.

Lionsledge, thank you for that idea. Going to bed is always hard.

[Southernlassie]

Me and DP did it for two years. My work is not dissimilar to your DH's and we just stayed positive. It is not forever.

Lots of FaceTime and texts