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Argh help me rescue this situation after I fu@*$ed it up!

(13 Posts)
Shameandregret Mon 21-Mar-16 17:11:35

I met a really nice guy OLD. Had 6/7 dates with him and really liked him, he seemed to like me, was really respectful etc.

Then last week I got scared for a couple of reasons:
1. He was talking about buying a REALLY expensive car. Sent me a link and asked me what I thought (he has a really good job and works really hard so can afford) but I felt intimidated tbh. I'm a lone parent, have 2 jobs and I'm a masters student. I'm skint.
2. I thought he was losing interest as he cancelled the last date we arranged and it was the first time he was meant to stop over.

So that night I went out with my friends and had a great night and in my period, pre-flu, wine filled state thought 'I am not feeling this, I want to be single, he's not my kind of person, we are not on the same level.' (status/finance/looks wise etc).

Heard nothing from him. Felt fine about it at first but over the week I realised a lot of this was down to my insecurities. I left an abusive marriage 18 months ago. It's left it's mark. So I texted him last night and he responded saying he could tell I had been hurt in the past but didn't want to pry and was just following my lead but if I wanted to tell him I could and he really likes me but he doesn't want to push. How can I tell him that yes I have issues (though I can't explain what they are even to myself?!) but I do like him and want to see where this goes?

I have some massive things going on personally too (a criminal trial) so everything feels messy. Argh, help please before I completely ruin this.

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade Mon 21-Mar-16 17:32:07

You sound like you are looking for permission to be happy.

You deserve this. Be brave. Cars don't mean shit.

DoctorTwo Mon 21-Mar-16 17:49:44

How can I tell him that yes I have issues (though I can't explain what they are even to myself?!) but I do like him and want to see where this goes?

Just say "I have issues, I'm working out what they are and how to address them. I think you're a top bloke and want to see where we go from here".

I think you're overthinking things, but you're only 18 months out of an abusive relationship. I'm 7 years out and still overthinking. So compared to me you're awesome!

isseywithcats Mon 21-Mar-16 17:51:40

everyone who has been in a relationship before has baggage of some sort or another so try to look at yourself and think i wouldnt be me without my past experiences and try to leave them in the past, get up each day thinking new day new me, i had to when my ex cheated on me took me ages to not think every guy i met was going to cheat, the money situation my partner earns around ten times what i do and even two years later i still try to save money where i can wheras he sees it wants it buys it so now i just think its his money he earned it he can spend it on what he wants, i never go without anything and i contribute what i can on my wages and that way i have my little bit of independence and we manage to work ok with this arrangement

Shameandregret Mon 21-Mar-16 17:53:46

Being 'happy' is so far outside my realm of normality captain that the thought of embarking on something like this literally terrifies me.

I don't know how to do it and act normal sad

fitzbilly Mon 21-Mar-16 17:53:52

Just say " I've got some things I need to work through but I think you're a decent guy and want to see where this goes. I need to take things slowly so then you for understanding ".

The car means nothing, don't read to much into it.

fitzbilly Mon 21-Mar-16 17:55:07

I've been where you are!

You take it day by day, toy challenge any negative thoughts, or thoughts that you don't deserve happiness, and toy believe in yourself and trust yourself!

Shameandregret Mon 21-Mar-16 18:02:31

That's the problem though fitz. I don't trust myself to pick a decent human being as the last one was a actually a psychopath who beat the living shit out of me.

And I certainly don't trust men. But I want to be happy. I want to fix that broken bit of me. (Not through being in a relationship, I know that isn't the answer).

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Mon 21-Mar-16 18:08:44

I'd be honest and tell him that you felt intimidated as you've realised he is a lot better off than you are at the moment, and also you've just finished a bad relationship.

If he is put off by this, he isn't worth having. If he isn't, great, you don't have to worry about it as an issue any more, and you can enjoy this and see where it goes.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 21-Mar-16 18:35:54

everyone who has been in a relationship before has baggage of some sort

This. I wouldn't go in to detail at this stage (if ever).

Shameandregret Mon 21-Mar-16 18:39:49

Okay so no detail about the 'issues' just I'm working through stuff and I want to take it slow but see where it goes as I like him? Not too wanky?

Slowdecrease Mon 21-Mar-16 18:39:51

Honestly...I think what he's said is an excuse. If he wanted to be in touch with you he could have been. I wouldn't pin too much on this one. He possibly senses you have a lot going on and maybe he is just looking for a bit of lighthearted fun so if anything he's giving you the opportunity to back away.

cocochanel21 Mon 21-Mar-16 18:44:24

When I met DH I had been on my own the dd1 for years. I was really cautious and thought I didn't really won't a relationship. Financially we couldn't have been more different.
The first time he came to my flat I was really embarrassed my flat was clean and tidy but was in a bad area.

He didn't care and was really understanding and patient. We were together 2years before we lived together, he moved into my tiny flat as i didn't want to give up dd and mine's home. It took another 2years before i agreed to marry him.
If your guy is decent he will be happy to let you take the lead in your relationship. Enjoy it and see where it goes.
We've been together 10yrs now and couldn't be happier.
Good Luck

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