Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He's not coming back

(44 Posts)
Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:21:44

It's been 10 weeks and I know it's over I thought we could talk and at least go through what went wrong. I guess I just need someone to talk to to as I'm feeling so depressed now.

The days just drag and I have no interest in anything.... Iv lost interest in my work and my college course I spend most of my day just crying when my son isn't around ..I tried to go to the gym today and walked out after 20mins ... It was my dads 70th birthday yesterday and I just wanted to escape the family get together. I'm now 8 stone I have no appetite although I can sleep I'm waking up at 6:30 I know I'm depressed that's why this break up feels so bad... I'm 39 next week and I used to love birthdays and I couldn care less about it.... I feel so embarrassed that I am emotionally and mentally weak ..... Iv texed him constantly to ask if we can talk about what went wrong some times he ignores me and then other times he will say yes and then cancel..it hurts to know after 2 years I don't even get a conversation from him....I feel so worthless ..... And ashamed of how Iv texed him constantly it's not something I have ever done before but I thought we had a future together

AnyFucker Mon 21-Mar-16 11:25:15

Cut all contact. It's the only way.

You can dress it up as "needing closure" if you wish but you are fooling no one, especially him. You just want crumbs of any sort, at any price and he is going to continue dicking you about.

It will take a while longer to feel ok, but at the moment you are simply sabotaging yourself over and over.

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:34:44

I don't see it as closure anymore I don't know what I see it as .... I just hoped he'd see me and change his mind....

It was the only thing I was holding on to .... I'm in such a mess and Iv taken my self here... It 8 weeks of obsessing and wanting him back... I don't know how to start undoing the damage Iv done to myself

AnyFucker Mon 21-Mar-16 11:37:21

He won't see you and change his mind.

I am sorry, love. Have you seen your GP..it sounds like you need some medical help to deal with this.

Chasing after someone who doesn't want you is never going to be the answer.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 21-Mar-16 11:44:24

You don't need to worry about undoing anything at the moment, just try to stop damaging yourself further.

You need to get to a point where you can accept that this is done. For whatever reason, he does not want to get back together with you and you cannot change that.

For yourself and your son you need to accept that so that you can start to heal.

arsenaltilidie Mon 21-Mar-16 11:50:30

I have no interest in anything.... Iv lost interest in my work and my college course I spend most of my day just crying

This is your main problem. You need to actively engage your mind in activities. Eventually it will take your mind of him.
Why don't you try online dating To get over someone you need to get under someone

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 21-Mar-16 11:50:46

Cutting contact IS the only way as AF has said. You're prolonging the agony for yourself and giving him control of your emotions. Don't do that. Think of it like a sticking plaster, one quick rip, awful pain for a second - and then blissful peace. What you're doing is peel a bit off, wince at the pain, stick it back down and face it all again. Much more painful.

He doesn't want you and doesn't care what you do but he will continue to pull your strings/ignore you/cancel you as he sees fit. You will cringe WHEN you get over this at the texting. Stop texting, delete all his numbers and don't contact him again. Get some help from your GP to get past the point you're currently at because it's not good fro you and you're the one that matters.

Fraggleyourock Mon 21-Mar-16 11:54:16

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low... I'd really encourage seeing a dr to help you get through this. But rest assured, as hard as it is right now, you will absolutely get through this. Not over night, of course, but gradually it will get easier and easier, then you'll realise one day that you're better off. Do please, for your own sanity, stop texting him. He is definitely not worth it. thanks

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:54:26

No.... I haven't antidepressants are not that answer I don't think.... Iv spent the last 8 weeks obsessing over him that's put me in the place I am in its my own fault .... I just kept asking him to tell me if it was over and because he didint reply I thought he was still angry from the new year .... He told me the other day it's over and to move on but then said he would see me to talk.... He was such a stubborn person when I was with him and didn't like anyone to do him wrong I guess that's why I felt this way.... I know I need to do that now and this is why I'm feeling so terrible but I honestly feel like Iv lost out completely by us splitting up but yet when he met me he was more into me and said he wished he'd met me 10 years ago and he'd been waiting all his life to meet someone like me so wtf happened and why am I the one feeling like this when he said he knows if we ever split up he'd never meet any one better than me and I said he would you always do when you move on but I'm left feeling like I won't my head is in such a mess

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:00:53

I have him on this pedestal that I can't seem to get him off of now ...I wasn't that into him when we first met.... but since he has been with me I became insecure and I felt inadequate what does It matter it's over xx

AnyFucker Mon 21-Mar-16 12:01:57

You absolutely do need anti depressants, love. I can tell that over t'internet. It will help with the obsessive thoughts, raise your mood and make it easier to engage in other areas of your life.

Your kid(s) need you. Get your Big Girl Pants on now and get some help, you are also damaging your dc if you do not.

bert3400 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:08:54

You are me 15 years ago ....I felt I could not go on but fortunatley my 2 DS kept me going . I also worked with my then BF who had an affair with a work colleague I dropped 3 stone in 6 weeks and was a total mess . But I didn't contact him & i was determined to keep my self respect .I got a new job and got on with my shattered life . After 8 weeks I was getting myself back on track , took a trip abroad for my birthday and started looking forward .
You need to stop contacting him and start working on your depression . I do think a Dr could help or counselling (I did both) .
You need to focus on your child . You will get through this and it will change you . Please look after YOU

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:11:08

I maybe try other things first like cutting contact now trying to accept its over.... It makes me feel so sick! Maybe some alternate therapy... Iv had them before when my son was little and they made me feel worse and I was so ill coming off of them maybe that will be an incentive to try and pull myself through this the thought of having to go on them

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Mar-16 12:12:52

Please don't contact him again. You're hurting yourself every time you do it. There's no cure for heartbreak apart from time. Take good care of yourself.

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:14:04

I'm taking it so bad because I was so cautious dating him and we waited 6 months before we actually did we were friends before that because I had a bad time with my sons dad so I didn't want to rush into something and for it to end as it took me nearly 4 years to get over him but he had cheated and we had been together 16 years .... It would of made this easier if he had of cheated but I have nothing to be angry with him over which is making it so hard for me

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:19:43

Maybe that I'm starting to accept its over is the first step.... And I did text him yesterday to ask what day he was free as he said he would meet me.this week ... But il have to see it as that was my last text to him and I won't text him again I have to do it for my own sanity and pick my self up

SoThatHappened Mon 21-Mar-16 12:21:57

Dont meet him. Why did he end it?

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:22:17

Can I just ask, I feel so humiliated and a fool can I turn this around ... Iv begged for some one that probabley wasn't worthy of my love.... Will I ever feel like it actually his is loss and regain my self respect xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 21-Mar-16 12:26:21

You need to do a 're-set' in your head, Angieyy1. You're trying desperately to work out why this has happened and you will NOT get your answer. The only answer is to draw a line under it all, let it go completely as something that you cannot fix and will not try to fix... tell yourself that you will sort 'all that out later' but for now, you will focus on your and your children and you will do what is necessary to shift that focus there.

Some anti-depressants can make you feel a bit rubbish BUT, it's short term. If you can get through the first days and weeks, they will help, they really will. Speak to your GP but please, get that appointment and stop telling yourself that you don't need medication here - you do, you really do. You have children counting on you as their mum.

What your ex thinks and says is of no concern to you; everything you think of him just remind yourself how he's treating you now, not what he said back then. How he's treating you NOW and how you deserve BETTER when you're read.

As MorrisZapp says, time heals everything, it's the only thing that does. It's true.

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 12:46:27

Thank you it has helped a little bit just for now .... Iv have not spoke to anyone about it as I feel so embarrassed so I don't want to let any of my friends or family know how I actually feel... I haven't really said much to them because i guess deep down I want to be emotionally and mentally strong...and feel like a fool feeling like this over someone who was able to just walk away and pretend in ever existed

misszp Mon 21-Mar-16 12:48:02

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run but wanted to at least share a few words and my empathy.

I was (sort of still am - I posted just the other day about it) in your position too. Break up after 6 years and whilst I had some answers as to why, there are so many comments that make me think 'what if' and 'maybe' and open up more unanswered questions.

It hurts like a bitch and life is hard to function, however I agree with others that it does sound like a trip to the doctors may be a sensible answer, at least for the short term. It will just help take the edge off your emotions and help to break the cycle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing a little support (I have taken the counselling route).

Believe the other posters and me when we say the best thing you can do is cut absolutely all contact.

He will not offer you any relief from your pain and emotions, contact will only add to your confusion and prolong the heartache as you cling to any minute flicker of false hope.

Use this as an opportunity to put yourself first and to invest in a little 'you' time. It is hard to drag yourself up and out of bed (god I know how sometimes you barely want to move), but you need to keep yourself busy and distracted and remember what else you love about life. See friends (even if for a few minutes), spend time in the gym (20 minutes is better than none!), spend time with family, take comfort in the little things, and the people around you. See anything you do for yourself, and to put yourself first as a mini triumph to getting yourself back on track.

You know what also really helped me, just to even begin contemplating the process of moving on? A written list of all of his faults, and why I was not happy, why it didn't work out, and why I would be better off without him. It won't make everything go away, but it may just help you take off the rose tinted glasses (we have all been there - me included).

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 21-Mar-16 12:55:07

You've posted so many threads about him - weeks ago you said you'd deleted his number, but now you're texting him again?

You have to stop this, it's getting you nowhere - delete his number again, and go no contact, strictly no contact ever again

Angieyy1 Mon 21-Mar-16 13:04:19

I had deleted his number from my contact but I don't think I managed to do it properly as it showed back up when I tried to send a friend a message with a similar name..... And then I started with the messages and well it was just a visciuos cycle and here I am 10 weeks later feeling like I do.... And I admit I have put myself here with my thoughts and constant contacting him, I believed what we had was worth fighting for, I was so wrapped up in wanting to make it work and getting him to see me that I didn't realise how I'll it was making me.... We were friends before we dated and did quiet a bit together so it's hurting me because Iv lost a friend too.... But we're where only friends because we wanted to say each other but just didint want to rush into it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 21-Mar-16 13:06:51

He's not your friend. It is over. However much you wish it weren't so, it is. You can't fix this.

As you've now deleted his number, there won't be any more texts and you can start healing yourself and focusing on anything other than him because he isn't thinking about you.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 21-Mar-16 13:15:08

A short course of ADs may help - tell your GP that the previous ones did not suit you. This will help them to decide which AD might be more appropriate.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now