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I want to leave but think I'm being unreasonable.

(24 Posts)
hellokittehhhh Mon 21-Mar-16 10:38:00

I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to really dislike dh. We've been together 10 years and have two dc. When they were little he was main earner, I did a low paid job but it meant I could and would take kids with me even if he was on days off as his Job was "more stressful" and he brought more money in. There have been periods of what I think is emotional abuse. Saying I was lazy, I contributed nothing to the home (financially). He shouts a lot too, has broken stuff in a rage, throws my stuff about.

Fast forward few years I'm now in a well paid job, contribute more financially (share finances) but work long hours. He has had to step up and take kids to school, pick them up. He works late shifts so can do this but still makes out he's so hard done to. He has also called me horrid things in front of the dc, said I'm lazy, a scruff, he hates living in the house. I've confronted him he apologises said he's just tired but after all these years and now I'm standing up for myself I realise I am starting to dislike him a lot. He would like more Sex, I'm not interested at all. When he tries to initiate I want to cry, he never forces me but does get the hump about it. However since my last promotion and therefore parish he has started to get a lot better.

So...It's dds 9th bday today. He barely managed to open his eyes when she opened her presents on our bed, couldn't even get up to have breakfast with her before school and he's still in bed now. He's off for few days, so can't be tired form worm. Why can't he just get his arse out of bed, for not even 2 hours to have breakfast and wave her off??

I have seriously started to consider to walk away but feel like it's all over petty things and most of the reasons I want to leave is because of past behaviour. I don't know ow what to do.

hellokittehhhh Mon 21-Mar-16 10:39:43

Lots of typos
*parish - payrise
*form worm - from work

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 11:08:57

Maybe he's sick to death of your long hours, feels trapped and would prefer it if you had more time with the family?

bibliomania Mon 21-Mar-16 11:12:58

Does he bring anything positive to your life as things stand now?

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Mar-16 11:15:17

Hard to see any way in which you wouldn't be happier / better off without him? Have you considered separating?

Chocolatteaddict1 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:23:06

It doesn't really matter who is in the right - although his behaviour, breaking things, name calling ect... Is enough for anyone to seriously start disliking a person.

You don't want sex with him any more and can you see yourself with him in ten years.

I remember looking at exdp one morning and wanting to smash a boiling pan of baked beans I was stiring in his face. I ended it that day.

It sounds as if he has chipped to much away at you and now you resent him. That's an OK reason to split

hellokittehhhh Mon 21-Mar-16 12:07:43

*joysmum I'm not sure you've read my post properly. As i stated I worked part time and also took kids with me whilst doing so as he didn't think he should look after them. The long hours took effect 2 years ago. If he wanted for us to spend more time together as a family surely he would have liked to join us for dds family breakfast this morning?? Or to spend the day out yesterday with us yesterday when I took them out for the day??

*morris yes I have considered it but was worried financially how I'd cope. Now I'm in a better paid and secure job I can probably afford it.

*chocolate you have summed it up perfectly. He may not be as verbally abusive to me now but the amount he was before has chipped at me so much I can't forget it. Who calls the mother of their children fat/disgusting and lazy to their children!

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Mar-16 12:30:44

He sounds awful. Assuming you've tried to address your differences already, I'd say it's time to put plans in place.

Sparkletastic Mon 21-Mar-16 12:33:49

I suspect he would be a better parent if he only saw them on his access times post-divorce and could no longer take you for granted and verbally abuse you. flowers

Waltermittythesequel Mon 21-Mar-16 12:40:25

Joysmum Wtf???

OP nobody needs a reason to end a relationship, other than they want to end it.

In your case, I think you'll be well shot of the abusive arsehole.

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 12:42:12

No, I read it properly. I just see this from the other side. I was the one who was the bread winner and doing long hours, then that switched.

Everything became about my DH and fitting in around his job. I became tired if it, tired of being the one to fill in around him, sick of my lot. I wanted him about more not just for our DD but do that I could switch off for once! I resented my lot, resented that my life was standing still whilst his career was taking off.

So, I said what I did just in case this could be the case for your situation too. I dont know you or your DH but thought it worth mentioning in case it could be useful. It's not said from a standpoint of blame, just to raise the possibility in the inevitable sea of LTB your thread was going to attract. smile

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Mar-16 12:42:43

Exactly. The only reason you need to end a relationship is that you don't want to be in it any more.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 21-Mar-16 12:44:55

None of what you have written is about petty things. These are serious problems.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you in terms of your own needs being met?.

Why are you and he still together given his past and present behaviour?. Showing the children this example of a relationship is not going to do them any favours at all in the long run, what do you think you are both teaching them about relationships here?.

cosytoaster Mon 21-Mar-16 12:54:35

You reap what you sow - even if he's not as abusive now, the fact that he has been previously has understandably affected how you see him.. It sounds like you would be happier on your own, you don't need to justify choosing to end the relationship.

scallopsrgreat Mon 21-Mar-16 12:55:34

And Joysmum did you call your partner lazy and a scruff and throw things around when you were the breadwinner or when you weren't?

She also had a period of fitting everything in around him while he worked in his 'stressful' job and he still called her those things, didn't recognise her contribution. She also managed not to be abusive during that time as well.

OP as others have said, look at what you are getting out of this relationship. What is he adding to your life? Because from what you said he's just putting you down sad.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Mon 21-Mar-16 13:12:05

Victim blaming. NICE. biscuit

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Mon 21-Mar-16 13:15:24

Leave him, you're not unreasonable, these things aren't petty. Please leave him before his behaviour escalates. You're not in a normal relationship and you don't want you're children to think you are!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 21-Mar-16 13:15:34

He's a cock, get rid. You will feel much better without him in the house.

BettyBusStop Mon 21-Mar-16 13:16:45

You don't need to justify leaving to anyone. You don't even have to have a reason. If you're not happy you can leave. (And yes, I appreciate the finer details may be more complex, but when it comes down to it you can split up just because you want to.).

hellokittehhhh Mon 21-Mar-16 13:18:02

Thank you for all your response.

* Atilla if either of my dc were spoken to or spoke to their future to dps the way he does I'd be horrified / hugely disapoointed.

I know we're a terrible example of how a relationship should be.

DolphinsandDinosaurs Mon 21-Mar-16 13:20:12

I would seriously dislike someone who was verbally abusive to me. It sounds like what has happened is your self esteem is starting to improve, and you are realising that you don't need to put up with that kind of thing. Wanting to leave sounds quite reasonable to me.

needresolution Mon 21-Mar-16 13:51:41

Maybe you are outgrowing him?
Similar happened to me, exh was the main breadwinner for a while then after I had our DD I started a degree, I then went back full time and got a promotion and more pay, exh put me down and said I had a rubbish job even tho it paid more than him - he decided to work more hours to equal my pay resulting in him never being at home.

His contempt and lack of respect for me was the final straw - we are now separated/getting divorced but I can afford to live on my own now. He still gives me hassle as I can afford a better car/house than him - just pure jealousy, never realized I was married to such an arsehole!!

Deathclawswouldrunfrommykids Mon 21-Mar-16 13:58:33

I would add my voice to those saying that you don't need a reason to leave a relationship beyond "I'm not happy anymore". Sometimes it really is as simple as that and that is okay.

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 14:11:27

And Joysmum did you call your partner lazy and a scruff and throw things around when you were the breadwinner or when you weren't?

He was lazy and a scruff when I was the main breadwinner, but no I didn't. No I didn't throw things around when I wasn't a breadwinner but I did fall into depression. I did feel taken for granted and resent my DH's freedom to drive his career whilst I felt like I was the one who fitted in around everyone else and my needs came last and that's not nice.

We've always tried to talk things through and tried to understand things from each other's point of view, even if we didn't agree with it. Even though I know my DH loves me to bits and I love him very much, I still feel vestiges of resentment despite the changes we have both made to suit my needs, so I can appreciate how much worse it could be for a couple who aren't feeing the live any more.

I don't agree with the OP's DH's reactions (and the OP has been far more tolerant than I would have been in her shoes) but if he's feeling worse than how I felt because he can't even count on being loved, then I can understand then I can appreciate the feelings.

I'm just putting forward a possible reason, even if that reason is correct there's no excusing the resultant behaviour, but even so it might be useful to understand why. There's a lot of projection on my part and I may be well wide of the mark, he could just be a complete cunt who the OP needs to get shot of!

I know I'm a lone voice but thought it worth sharing just in case another perspective would be useful in working out how to communicate about the future, whether that's together or beneficial for communication on how to separate.

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