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Should i stay or go?

(7 Posts)
Crisismum123 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:37:10

I've been with my husband for over 10 years and it's been nothing but a roller-coaster. We had our first child a year after we met, got married and hadour second child. I have an older daughter from a previous relationship, who was going through a difficult phase at this time but i was unaware of some things undisclosed to me . She was 13. My husband hated the place we lived and wanted a better life for the children so we decided to move about 2 hours away to a quieter town near to his mum. However my daughter decided to stay and live with her dad, which of course upset me. So when our 2nd baby was about 2 weeks old we moved. I fell pregnant again a few months later and got homesick so we moved back to my hometown. It didn't work out and we moved to Ireland where my husbands dad and auntie lived. I was v lonely and we moved back. We moved to the seaside, along with my daughter, which we all loved but my husband got rather close to a work colleague and there were rumours of an affair, which they denied. I also found v intimate videos that a woman had sent to him and a nude pic of himself in his emails which i had to access and he gave me permission. This was the final straw and i (regrettably) chose to move back to be near my family.
My daughter lived with us and was lazy,disrespectful and selfish, and my husband had a bit of a breakdown and packed his things and got on a train to Ireland. My family told me to leave him and they'd help me with the kids. But i didn't want to walk out of my marriage and we moved back to Ireland. My husband said if i loved him I'd follow him. And now we're here, the kids are happy with school but i don't want my husband to come near me. My daughter is in England, and she told me that when my younger sister minded her whilst i was at work she sexually abused her. My daughter has been to the police and now my whole family aren't speaking to me. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend and is expecting her first baby. I'm totally lost. Please help???

pippistrelle Mon 21-Mar-16 12:06:28

You're clearly in a bad place, OP, and I don't want to be harsh, but it sounds like you've made some bad choices in the past, based on what your husband wanted, or what you wanted but perhaps you could have paid more attention to what your children needed.

Maybe you need to ask her now what she needs from you, and take it from there.

Crisismum123 Mon 21-Mar-16 14:48:47

I think i feel guilty for ever leaving in the first place. My daughter has a personality disorder and is very difficult to get along with, but we're getting on fine at the moment. my husband doesn't understand my maternal feelings towards her. I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years and maybe it's time to visit the doctor. I just feel so lost in Ireland, like I Don't belong here...

AnotherEmma Mon 21-Mar-16 14:54:32

There is actually a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's aimed at women in abusive relationships, and I can't tell from your post whether you are, but in any case it does sound as if you are unhappy in this relationship, so the book may well be relevant either way.

I do think you may well be happier if you move home to be closer to your family and to try and make amends with them, most importantly with your daughters. But you can't really do that until you work on yourself and your own well being first. So a trip to the doctors might be a good place to start.

Good luck flowers

Bree85 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:06:32

Your always moving. It's really hard to understand your problem. I don't know what to say. Maybe the best thing you can do is follow what you think is right in your heart.

Rubberbandits Tue 22-Mar-16 19:18:41

Whereabouts in Ireland are you, OP?
I'm in Galway, pm me if you are anywhere near.

pocketsaviour Tue 22-Mar-16 21:20:43

My daughter has a personality disorder and is very difficult to get along with
Not unusual for survivors of sexual abuse.

my husband doesn't understand my maternal feelings towards her
This sounds like a great reason to remain split up with him.

I echo a previous poster, ask your daughter what she needs from you, right now, as her mum. If she is expecting her first child then now is a perfect opportunity for you and her to break those chains of previous abuse and commit to raising your grandchild in a happy, healthy environment.

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