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A pinch of humiliation, a dusting of cruelty and..

(25 Posts)
NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 09:46:47

That was my Sunday afternoon.

My Brother and his wife live on the opposite side of the UK so when they come to visit I am forced to endure my Fathers company.

We went for a meal, myself, 3 brothers and dad (Mum passed away when I was young). My Dad chose not to eat, just to drink pint after pint.

Prior to that I picked him up and he got in the car and noticed my "Jelly Belly" Car freshener. He laughed and said "Oh you have a personalised car freshener now do you?" I ignored.

Then comes the meal, managed to distract myself away from him with nephews etc, then my Dad asks Brother whether he knew the sex of the baby before labour (baby is 3 months old, first time meeting him). They got into a discussion when my Father starts say "I wasted all my time trying to get a girl, 3 boys later we nearly gave up" he was interrupted by something but I knew how the story would end. Several minutes later he begins again "I wasted all my time having babies trying to get a girl (he starts to laugh) and look what the fuck happened" I'm a lesbian so am assuming this must be what he meant. Or the fact I was a teenage tearaway.

Brother is uncomfortable then says "Im not sure who thats more insutling to!"

I try and stop myself from getting upset then about an hour later my Brother returns from saying goodbyes to say hand me a T Shirt of mine he had in his house from ages ago. Dad asks what it is and I tell him it's a t shirt from a gig I went to a couple of years ago. His response? "Well its not gonna fit you now!" followed by laughter.

My dad has always been a cunt to me, always. Physical abuse and verbal abuse when I was younger. I don't seem to be able to tell him how I feel or to fuck off. I want to go No Contact but I dont think he would realise why, so I kind of want to tell him. I am so angry and upset. I have literally just pulled myself out of the other end of depression and now I feel low again. Any advice?

Rubberbandits Mon 21-Mar-16 09:52:52

If you want to be cruel, go nc and definitely don't tell him. Let him wonder why.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 09:58:24

It fucking annoys me that he doesn't seem to realise how scathing his words are. I really want to let him know but I hate confrontation. not that he would shout, he would just act all confuised and sorry then I would feel bad

FluffyPersian Mon 21-Mar-16 10:08:40

I'd go NC and not bother telling him why.

My Father is similar in his comments and whilst I'm not NC, I limit my contact significantly and never go to anything just because other people are. His Birthday? I send a card (more than he does).... My sisters are off to visit - Good luck to them.

I find it hard to challenge my Father straight on, so my way of dealing with his comments are to not see him - I know it hurts him, however I can't say I care at all.. as it's his choice to call me fat etc.. just like it's my choice not to be in the same space as him.

One thing I would suggest is that you speak to your Brothers and say that you'd love to meet them, but not with your Father present - I appreciate there's guilt there, but you're not 'forced' to see your Dad.... It's still your choice. Maybe you can see your Brother and his wife before / after your Father? I manage to see my Mother (she's still married to my Father) without seeing my Father as I always plan to see her when he's not around.

AgainstTheGlock Mon 21-Mar-16 10:10:51

NC. Even if you tell him it'll change nothing - he'll roll out the following:

1) Oooooh get her - she's so sensitive.
2) You never could take a joke.
3) No need to get your size XX knickers in a twist.
Blah blah blah.

I've gone NC with my family, bizarrely after approximately 15 months I got an email saying that they would contact me on THEIR terms to as to maintain THEIR boundaries. grin Funny that, MY terms had been working out just fine for me.

What I'm ever so badly expressing is this: I took control by going NC. They are so blind and immune to me that they don't even see/accept that they're not in control anymore. smile

Sorry - I've explained that all in a spectacularly shit manner. BIG HUGS.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 10:18:38

I like the idea of explaining I will see eldest Brother only if Father not present. (Other 2 Brothers are quite similar to Father, no interest in my life. Ask questions only to shoot down my answers) they constantly take the piss. I wouldnt even say I am fat.

I am a size 16 and have been going to the Gym for several months, have lost a fair bit of weight sad

helpmepleasexxx Mon 21-Mar-16 11:13:18

My mother is the same. Says horrible cruel things then acts all confused and hard done by when I pull her up on it. Always come away feeling worse. I'd back away slowly if I was you to avoid arguments xxx

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 11:14:36

Going NC is for your benefit, don't fool yourself for one moment that doing this will punish your father or be a wake up call. So if you go NC then do it purely with the mindset of that bring what's best for you.

FluffyPersian Mon 21-Mar-16 11:23:17

It wouldn't matter if you were a size 0, you'd still be called 'fat' and made fun of... I think it took me over 30 years to realise this. I went from a size 24, to a size 12 (and am currently inbetween) and my Father always makes jokes.

It could be about anything... At Christmas, we were talking about blood types and whether we were positive or negative. My 3 sisters are apparently positive and I'm a negative blood group, my Father sniggered and said 'Explains a lot'....

I mean, WTF? However rather than challenge him, I've just not seen or spoken to him since then - as why would I 'reward' bad behaviour with seeing him and allowing him to do that again? It's pathetic and sadly the older he gets, the less his daughters want to have to do with him as he's grumpy and horrible.

I'm so much happier without seeing my Father as I wouldn't realise how much mindspace worrying about seeing him would occupy. I'd be on tenterhooks the entire time, just 'waiting' for him to say something horrible to me... I'd worry for hours before hand as to what to wear in case it made me look 'fat' and it was just exhausting.

I'd certainly try and get your Brothers to understand and appreciate that they shouldn't act as a conduit between you and your Father (e.g. relate messages from your Dad or say how 'sad' he was that you couldn't see him etc...).

LovesPeace Mon 21-Mar-16 11:45:26

My mother is exactly like this. Nasty snide comments all the time, rages when you challenge her.

I haven't gone no contact, but I have distanced myself both physically and emotionally. If I call her and she starts to lie/bitch/shout, I tell her off calmly and firmly and end the conversation.

I wouldn't put up with that shit from a random stranger; I'm damned if I'm putting up with it from a relative.

Decide on your boundaries, and calmly assert them. If your parent says you are fat, for example, you don't have to confront them, just say 'That's not a very nice thing to say, is it?'

If they behave like a naughty child, treat them as one.

StealthPolarBear Mon 21-Mar-16 11:49:21

Go to the gym for your own benefit too, not to conform to how they feel you should be.
It must be hard when it's your dad but his opinion of you means nothing x

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 11:50:47

He has informed me that he left his lighter in my car yesterday so I am expected to drop it in on the way home. It's on my way.

Only I have damaged my knee pretty badly and driving in today was quite the challenge. He lives up 3 flights of stairs so I am gonna insist that he gets his arse off his chair and comes to my car. I dont even want to see him at all. I am so angry!! The more I think about it the more angry I get.

FinallyHere Mon 21-Mar-16 11:55:00

Not too late to 'forget' and just keep driving: if ever there was a time to say finders keepers, it would be now.

FinallyHere Mon 21-Mar-16 11:55:56

Oh, or say you cant find it so didn't stop. Maybe he left it someplace else?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 12:00:22

No I do have it, he says its his old faithful.

If I dont give it to him he will call me a thief to my other brothers probably. May send it in the post. Say im too busy trying to lose weight

AnthonyPandy Mon 21-Mar-16 12:06:03

Can you drop it around to one of your brothers' houses?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 12:11:17

I could but they live further out than him. I will just get it out of the way today then go NC

Goingtobeawesome Mon 21-Mar-16 12:27:51

You can't send lighters in the post. Post it through his letter box if no one else can give it to him.

You said he will act all confused. The crucial word is act. It's fake, it's not real. He's not confused.

Definitely go NC. It's for your well being.

You are a grown up. It's very freeing when you allow yourself to value yourself above bullies, abusers, etc.

kittybiscuits Mon 21-Mar-16 14:02:54

Bin the lighter. Block his number. Voilà. No contact. He deserves nothing from you.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 21-Mar-16 14:33:26

It wouldn't matter what you looked like. My dad said I was too skinny, too blonde and too tanned.
He also said I got the looks and my sister got the brains.
He used to describe me as the good looking one to his friends.
What a fucking arsehole.
He also said I reminded him of Kate moss because my tits were so small.
I went no contact. For me not to punish him.
He was all maudlin about it to others sometimes but never made any steps to make it up to me.
He died during our period of no contact.

No contact was the best for me though. He could only say hurtful things if he saw me. So best not to see him!

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 14:38:55

Were you upset that he died when you were NC? This is my worry, that I would never forgive myself

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 14:42:49

In which case you're best off going very low contact and doing your best to manage whatever contact you do have to minimise your upset as best you can.

Either way, less contact seems to be what you'd do better with, so it's just a case of how much less.

I'm nc with my grandparents. They aren't nice people and I can't stand what they've done to my mum (although she's still in contact). I wont regret not being in contact when they die but I do worry about how I'll be able to support my mum when that time comes as I won't be a part of any arrangements.

ouryve Mon 21-Mar-16 14:50:20

Lighter? You don't see any lighter there.

He's a rude twat. Just quietly close the (metaphorical) door on him and get on with who you are. If you need to go NC with the younger brothers, too, then that will probably have to happen, particularly if they are likely to side with him. Don't initiate any contact and ignore any contact in your direction.

britmodgirl Mon 21-Mar-16 21:33:51

I'm sorry you've all got awful people in your lives sad
Family are supposed to have your back.

springydaffs Mon 21-Mar-16 21:49:38

If he's a drinker then forget it - you're not getting him you're getting the booze.

Your examples are exactly like my brother. Except the job spec for my brother was not to love me unconditionally. That's the problem here: not that your dad behaves like a thug but that he doesn't do the dad job. That's what really hurts.

You have to let go of the ideal of a functioning dad. Yo're never going to get it - at least not while he's drinking. I believe that underneath my brother's crass bluff and bravado and shite is a lovely bloke who got crushed somewhere along the line (I know where) and now chooses to behave in this remarkably vile way. But he's not my dad and I can afford to have some space. Not that I see my brother, because of the stream of ignorant comments, on and on.

Don't take it personally. EAsy to say, of course. It isn't personal, even though it comes across as exactly that re personal comments about you. He has no idea , no concept, how important his role is, hence he pisses all over it. I'm so sorry.

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