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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

BF sometimes doesn't bother to tell me what he's doing ( not every day stuff(.

17 replies

Polkadot888 · 20/03/2016 18:09

AIBU to be upset if my bf doesn't always tell me things he's done?
We've been seeing each other for over a year. We see each other every week and message every day. Yesterday he told me in the afternoon he was going to a party with a friend (I have no problem with that). He messaged me this morning and then said he was tired as his friend had been snoring. I had assumed he had gone home, I then thought he'd stayed at his friend's but when I asked he said they had stayed in a hotel where the party was. This meant it was all pre arranged but he'd said nothing to me until after the event. Am I reasonable to feel upset that he said nothing?

OP posts:

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MrsH1989 · 20/03/2016 18:14

YANBU. However, I just don't think men think like we do. Yesterday we bumped into the parents of DH's friend and DH says "oh i am seeing --- on Tuesday, we are going to the cinema". This was the first I had heard! I often hear from his mum about issues from work and get quite frustrated that he doesn't tell me which results in me looking stupid! I don't think he does it on purpose though.

MrsH1989 · 20/03/2016 18:15

Forgot to say we have been together for 7 years and married for 2 so getting info from his mum, who he rang to speak to, and told her something he hasn't said to the wife he shares a bed with is annoying!

Polkadot888 · 20/03/2016 18:25

Thanks for the reassurance. I don't mind what he does and certainly don't keep track of him but I did think it would have been nice for him to the tell me something significant like that.

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ctjoy103 · 20/03/2016 21:52

I disagree with the 'men don't think like we do' line. My Dh is perfectly capable of being considerate and 'thinking' like I do.
We communicate and discuss almost everything because we are in a relationship and it's courtesy to each other. He wouldn't just drop significant details on me, or make arrangements for himself without discussing what we are doing first.

Polkadot888 · 20/03/2016 22:00

I did think it would have been no effort at all to tell me where he was for the night which I would never have had any problem with. I was thinking it's just respectful to let someone significant in your life know.

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haveacupoftea · 20/03/2016 22:03

It sounds like you want more than he is giving you.

grobagsforever · 20/03/2016 22:17

YABU. Why did you need to know in advance?

Polkadot888 · 21/03/2016 05:26

I guess I would have liked to know as it would have been nice to know what he was doing. When he said he'd just woken up I imagined him at home so to then find out he was in a hotel was a bit of a surprise. I would think most bf's who saw their gf the day before a night away in a hotel would have at some point in the conversation mentioned it.

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Polkadot888 · 21/03/2016 07:00

I think I'm also upset that the day before we were talking about our commitment to our dc (not together) and he was saying apart from seeing me his life is pretty much just seeing his dc at weekends (absolutely no mention of going away for the weekend at that point) and at least I know he isn't seeing anyone else when he's with them most weekends. I don't have a problem with him being with his dc at all but to say that and then be away did upset me.

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TooSassy · 21/03/2016 07:13

You're not unreasonable. Neither is he. Your communication expectations mismatch and that needs to be discussed.
Also, is there a hint in here that you would be liking him to do something / go away with you on weekends/ be more involved in his life?
If he didn't ever do anything aside from see his DC on weekends, he'd be quite a boring individual!

Polkadot888 · 21/03/2016 07:32

Thanks. I think you're right. I've said quite a few times now we just need to communicate but I'm just not sure he wants to. He has omitted to tell me a couple of other significant issues that happened in his family life which I was surprised at but he said he didn't want to worry me.

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sooperdooper · 21/03/2016 07:35

I dont see why you'd need to know he was staying in a hotel, he told you he was going to the party but since you weren't going I can understand why he didn't go into detail - how was it relevant to you?

TooSassy · 21/03/2016 07:41

OP, am just going to say it.
Are you both on the same page relationship wise? You've been seeing him a year and he's not discussing family stuff??? Sorry but unless this was a FWB set up etc I'd be a little worried.

Namechanger2015 · 21/03/2016 07:45

Agree with toosassy, this is a big red flag and jndicates that your feelings, thoughts, self does not matter.

I lived with a husband who did this to me for 9 years throughout the marriage. In the end I used to beg him for simple information regarding where he was going, and he still would not provide it as my thoughts did not matter. It was very crippling to realise you are invisible to your partner. I don't think it's a case of 'some men are like this'. It's extremely selfish and belittling behaviour.

kmc1111 · 21/03/2016 08:49

This isn't the kind of thing I'd bother mentioning unless I was actually questioned about it. If you asked me about my plans I'd say I was going to a party and would say who/what it was for. It wouldn't really occur to me to provide more information unless you asked. If it was something really interesting and I was excited about it, then maybe, but party that involves a hotel stay doesn't fit that bill.

Honestly if you wanted to know, you should have asked when he mentioned it. If I say I'm going to a party, most people will ask what kind, where etc. If they don't and just let it drop, it seems pretty obvious that they aren't interested. Since you clearly are interested, I'm wondering why you didn't continue the conversation when he mentioned a party? 'Oh, that sounds fun, is it just at (insert friends name here) house or are you going somewhere cool?' is fairly standard. If you'd asked something like that and he'd hedged, then I'd agree, red flags, but you didn't.

RiceCrispieTreats · 21/03/2016 08:54

You don't sound like partners in life.

Nothing wrong with that, except for the mismatch: it sounds like he sees your relationship as much more casual than you do.

If that's not something you're happy with, then this may not be the relationship for you.

honeyroar · 21/03/2016 10:47

I don't see why it was such a big deal that he told you where he was sleeping if it didn't affect you or his plans with you. My husband may have done something like that. To him it's not an important detail, so it wouldn't be in his head to mention it.

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