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Why can't I control myself after alcohol?

(22 Posts)
sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 21:23:19

I still have feelings for my ex,basically I love him and It's been 8 months since it ended.
I date other people and I am dating but it's not the way I feel for him.
I get up and get on with things and some days are still harder than others but I stop myself trying to text him and put him to the back of my mind.
When I have a drink it changes I can't stop thinking of him.
I talk about him and get upset and it really hits home how I feel about him.
Why do I do this when I've had a drink.
Sober I pretend to my friends I don't care but after a drink I tell them how much I still love him and it hurts.
What's wrong with me?

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 21:52:36

Any words of wisdom?

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Mar-16 21:54:39

There's nothing 'wrong' with you.

Like all/most humans you find that alcohol disinhibits you. It makes it easier for you to do things you'd normally recognise as not-helpful/damaging to you.

Are you worried about your drinking or that you are struggling to get over an old relationship?

CrazyDuchess Sat 19-Mar-16 21:57:25

Stop drinking. Clearly drinking isn't benefitting you in this time and stops you from moving forward.

Stop drinking

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 19-Mar-16 21:58:13

You need to cut him off entirely. If you keep poking the wound, it'll never heal.

Delete his number. Throw away or hide somewhere inaccessible anything that is his/he bought/strongly reminds you of him. Use a distraction technique to stop yourself thinking about him.

It will be hard, but this is the only way forward. At the moment, you're just denying the feelings whilst sober, and it all pours out when you're drunk. You're not deceiving yourself or your friends in either state, so it's a lot of wasted effort, and it's not helping you heal!

It will be really hard, it always is when you lose someone you love. You have to go through the pain and anger and acceptance stages, though, if you postpone them you end up months down the line and no further forward. It'll be a difficult slog to actively stop yourself thinking about him, but one day, you'll realise that you've gone all morning without thinking about him, or all day, and sooner or later, you won't realise that you haven't thought about him that day because he just won't be ingrained anymore.

Then you'll be a in a place to go and meet other people - right now, nobody will compare to him and you'll be disappointed and frustrated. You're in no place to be dating anyone else until you're over him - at that stage, it'll do you good to meet other people but it will also be much more enjoyable.

Good luck.

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 21:59:38

I only really drink once a month.
I just can't get over him.
The alcohol just makes me spill what's in my heart where when I'm sober I keep it hidden.
I just can't get over him.
I don't think it's the drink that's stopping me its me and the maybe the drink makes me not care that I feel like that.

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:01:19

I think I've accepted it's over,I know that's it but I can't stop feeling how I do for him.
I know it's cheesy but I honestly haven't felt how I do for him for anyone.
I think of him and cry.
I would rather be punched and kicked than feel like this.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Mar-16 22:07:45

Seek RL help.

You are stuck.
Get some help to get un-stuck.
Counselling should help you sort out your unhelpful thinking-loops and help you to properly let go.

Totally also agree with the 'don't drink' advice. It's not helping just now, is it?
thanks

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:19:52

I just want him back.
It's just the worst feeling.

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:20:08

Deffo not helping after alcohol

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:20:29

Does anyone know why the alcohol does that?

Wolfiefan Sat 19-Mar-16 22:22:42

How much alcohol?
Stop drinking?

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Mar-16 22:24:34

It. Disinhibits.

When you are sober, your rational head tells you that it's over and you accept that (you don't like it but you accept it). When you are drunk, your more irrational, emotional side is 'allowed' out: "But I don't want it to be finished, I want him back, wah way".
I'm not being nasty, just illustrating that it is a fairly dysfunctional way to feel for such a long time as an adult.

"I just want him back". Yes, but from what you are writing that is not likely to happen. So it would be healthier for you to not dwell on the impossible.

Explore CBT and how it can help you to challenge unhelpful thinking patterns and how our thinking affects our feelings, and vice versa.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Mar-16 22:25:35

Also, why not stop dating for a while?

Work on yourself, being happy with your own company.
It seems unfair to be dating while you are still pining after your ex.

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:28:21

6-7 vodkas maybe
Couple of shots and a cocktail normally

sunshineaftertherain33 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:29:02

I think it's because I never got answers and it ended so abrupt I need closure I guess.

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 19-Mar-16 23:17:11

Sunshine totally understand what you are saying! I done this only last night my ex left for ow 2 months ago and I went out to Wet the baby's head last night (had her 2 weeks ago) and we'll I ended up a mess leaving him a voice.mail crying over how much I love him and miss him! It's soo hard.
Then when I woke up today I was angry at myself for doing it knowing he was lying in her bed whilst I was crying down the phone angered me!!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 20-Mar-16 03:34:36

Perhaps you are allergic to the alcohol that goes further than being drunk? Yes to stop drinking.

sunshineaftertherain33 Sun 20-Mar-16 07:32:59

I think it just works as a truth serum with me tbh

Roses43 Sun 20-Mar-16 09:23:15

Alcohol magnifies the emotions. You lose control under the influence of it.
You are hurting op! Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Don't beat yourself up.
Just keep getting back up and getting on.
One day you will realise he wasn't worth the precious energy.
Treat yourself today op! Like you would a best friend smile

Mumof2twoboys Sun 20-Mar-16 09:25:55

Make a list of why you hate him

Keep it on your phone and every time you think about him. Read the list and remind yourself of all the times he let you down and didn't care about you

Works for me but it's never easy
Show him you can lead a happy life without him

Buzzardbird Sun 20-Mar-16 09:31:27

In vino veritas. Alcohol is a depressant.

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