Very difficult dm anyone else?

[mrsmeerkat]

I have really struggled with my mother for years. The relationship growing up was not easy. she is very critical of me and needy.

As years have passed I have read a lot..reduced contact somewhat (cannot go no contact). around the time of my wedding was the nastiest and also my graduation day and hen party were soiled my her being 'sick'. one of which turned out to be constipation.
So she rolls into the hen 'I made it from a&e to be here for my daughter's hen'

nothing was right about the wedding. her brother wasn't in the immediate family photo (ie parents and siblings). I could go on.

mine and dh first foreign holiday she fell and said she was scared for her life.

I add she is in her fifties!!!

anyway she is ill now.. genuinely but I am so hurt and down. I think she is a very spoiled and crass woman. She twists things (that i say things to upset her or dh does) and then my father phones me to give me the third degree

i visited yesterday and yet today df phones my dh to say I am needed at home to clean so he can go out an not to bring the dc as dm can't handle them (she wouldn't be minding them she is in bed watching telly)

I know I am selfish but I am so tired of it all. I have a full time job. two very small dc and in-laws are quite needy and moany and I don't know. I need to get it all out. sorry

[mrsmeerkat]

spoiled, not spoiled.

I don't really know why I am posting. I am feeling so guilty. I should be a better daughter but I begrudge the time I spend with her as she can be so spiteful and horrible. for example I have a friend who is in a same sex relationship ans she says 'oh I pity the parents they may never have a grandchild'. I said back 'I bet they are proud of what a happy child they raised and that's not the way to look at things. Everything has a horrible twist to it.

[Justmuddlingalong]

You are not selfish. You have a home, and it's not with your parents. Either your Df does the cleaning or it waits until she's better.

[mrsmeerkat]

thanks muddling. I was very upset because dh and I don't get much time together and this was another attention seeking episode (though she is sick) and I did visit her yesterday also.

[Mamaka]

My dm is also an attention seeker and very needy. Has to be at the centre of everything and is a bit of a self-proclaimed martyr. Interestingly my dmil is very similar.
Sorry I don't really have advice. I'm trying to cut down contact with both dm and dmil at the moment and not let my dc go there so much as I don't like the example they set.
Will follow this thread.

[Justmuddlingalong]

I get that she's sick, but not sick enough for your Df to stay with her? Don't feed the attention seeking behaviour. Why did your Df contact your Dh about you being needed to clean and not you?

[mrsmeerkat]

my father often 'has' to get away so I have to step in. he often works away from home. even when I was in heavy pregnancy she asked me to Hoover stairs and I said no. I think I really realised her selfishness then. I had to do what he said or all hell would break loose.

[Lambbone]

So let it !

They can't eat you.

[Justmuddlingalong]

The cleanliness of your parents' house is their responsibility, not yours. You have enough on your plate without dancing to their tune. Your Df does not own you, cannot control you and has no right to expect anything from you. They have a household to organise, as do you. Suggest they get a cleaner if the housework is too much for them.

[mrsmeerkat]

thank you. In the middle of mopping floors she was asking me was everthing ok from her bed and I said yeah. then she jumped up and pulled the mop off me and to me to go home if I was in such a mood . i wasn't in a mood. I calmly told her I would finish what I came down to do as I was asked ans she slammed the door to her bedroom. I had to take the baby with me and she said herself I was busy enough. i am worried about her dying. she is quite ill.

[NiceAcorns]

If she was genuinely dying, why would she & you father worry about the cleanliness of the floor?

[Justmuddlingalong]

She has a history of overdramatising illness, IMO. It sounds like she thrives on the drama of it all.

[Aussiebean]

Send your dad some links to a cleaning company next time he rings.

Go have a look at the stately homes thread

And turn off voice mail but keep caller id, so when you are spending time with your family, you don't have to answer the phone.

[GoldPlatedBacon]

Why are you regularly cleaning t your pareehome?

[RockiePlace]

If your Mum can grab mops and slam doors she is not dying. Helping out someone who is ill is one thing but I think you need to have stronger boundaries against their demands. If they "kick off" so be it.

[mrsmeerkat]

I haven't answered the phone to them this evening. I think I will get an earful about not willingly helping her today. I think depression is her problem (have recently come off anti d myself as was very bad though I didn't tell them)

my father rang me a few weeks ago to tell me i had upset her after I went down.

I can't seem to see away out of this without a row. I hate confrontation.

[Hissy]

Good god! Tell your dad to sort his own mess out!

Please switch off the voicemail! Seriously! This situation is ridiculous and you have gone way above and beyond why you should be expected to do.

Please don't worry about all hell breaking loose, so what? As someone said upthread, they can't eat you!

[Justmuddlingalong]

You don't have to disclose your recent depression, but let them know that you have had your own health concerns. It's not all about your Dm, despite your parents seeming to think it is. You say you have limited contact, could you reduce it further?

[mrsmeerkat]

everytime I limit it they put the pressure on.. even my brother.

at one point a friend and m mother rang each other for little chats and I promptly ended contact with the friend as I couldn't trust her.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Does your brother run after their arses, or does he just give you grief when you don't?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Seriously not sure why you would clean the home of a person who expected you to bring the Snow White bunnies and birdies to sing 'Whistle While You Work' while you do it.

You get grief not for not doing it but for not being happy about it?

Fuck that.

You need some help with your boundaries. Doesn't sound like you really have any.

Start by saying 'That doesn't work for me' every time you're asked. And not answering the phone.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Good God, she's got you with the FOG alright. Please read the Stately Homes threads.

[foreverandalways]

I cut all contact with both parents in 2007.......no contact until sept 2011 when my grandson was born....toward the end of 2012 Mum phoned and tole me that they had found something on her lungs....naturally I was devastated although we were not sure if serious at this time...During January, scans and biopsy etc.....had news that it was terminal in February and had approx 6 months to live....Mum had just turned 64......I sat and stayed with Mum as much as possible, working full time aswell....I felt the need to simply sit with her....Mum had her first chemotherapy session which left her distraught....literally left unable to,speak due to the horrendous amount of extremely painful mouth ulcers...Mum became extremely aggressive towards people, but not me....Mum bought a reclining chair and then slept downstairs due to not having the energy to climb the stairs....the cancer had spread and was unfortunately aggressive....5 weeks after actual diagnosis my Mum unfortunately passed away...I honestly don't think I will ever recover from it.....I talk to her every day....I have ill health myself at present and she would have been the first person with advice and also help and support....try to sit with your Mum, explain what you have said here.....hopefully it will help....try to spend as much time with her as possible because you never know what's around the corner....asking you to clean etc maybe just an excuse for her to have your company in the house possibly....I don't know .....good luck..X

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

What kateinkorea said. And usually trying to talk it through with toxic people is just a recipe for hearing about how shit you are and how they can never do anything right for you

[Joysmum]

I have poor boundaries and am generally a people pleaser as it makes me happy to be so, but then I get upset as I take it too far and others don't see what they then continue to expect from me as too much.

My counsellor told me to look at situations through a mirror. If I couldn't reasonably be like that with others, I shouldn't let them expect to be like that with me.

It's been very useful in resetting my expectations of others and building me on what's more normal. It's been hard having to readjust and realise how many people aren't as committed to their relationship with me as I am to them, but it's getting easier.