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Struggling to cope with feelings of loneliness, I'm feeling more and more the odd one out

(16 Posts)
alwaysicecream Sat 19-Mar-16 19:07:53

I'm 29, had two serious relationships of 3ish years each and lived with my first partner.

I've been single for nearly two years. I had some time after my last relationship just focusing on myself. I went on a few dates online, and even set up with friends, but wasn't too bothered about anyone.

I have a good job and I'm looking to buy a house, made an offer and hope to have moved by the summer. It will be to a new city, with the same company I work for as I have been transferred to a new office.

I've suddenly become incredibly lonely. I have felt lonely in the past, but not like this. I have maybe 3 friends who are single, the rest are in committed relationships at the very least, most are married with kids and lovely homes. I am painfully aware of not having someone significant in my life. I'm scared of buying this house alone. Scared of only having myself to depend on.

I fill my weekends with seeing friends and I do a lot of activities. But the times when I commute to work, for instance, I suddenly feel a deep sense of loneliness. Or waking up on a saturday morning. Or discussing my friend's upcoming wedding, or a new pregnancy. I am SO aware that I am alone.

I know that there's lots of positives in my life, but nothing makes up for that person who you can turn to no matter what. To talk about your day with. To plan with. I can make plans alone, but it's not the same.

All my married friends were married by 26. They all have kids now. And I'm about to start a big phase of my life, house buying, on my own. This terrifies me and highlights to me how alone I am.

I feel sick tonight and the feeling is only getting worse as time goes on. I want a family and a future with someone. Yes, I can be happy alone. But I also want to share my life with someone. Panicking so much.

Has anyone else had these feelings? If so, how did you deal with them and did they pass?

lukasgrahamfan Sat 19-Mar-16 19:29:54

You too will soon have a lovely home. There is nothing like your own home, your independence, pride on your own place and the freedom of enjoying it just how you like. Just pay the bills and you'll be fine. It's exciting.

You have had 2 relationships, the 3rd may be the one but in the meantime enjoy your friends and home making and the garden if you'll have one. 29 is very young and the future is full of possibilities and opportunities and friends you haven't yet met.

You will be able to invite people round for coffee, lunch, evening meals, barbeque, a party, a girlie night in, baking afternoons, wine.....etc. It will be great.

Try not to panic or project too much into the future, enjoy the present day. Life changes, it's the only certainty in life, so changes in your life are inevitable.
As you say there are a lot of positives in your life....that's how I've got through, by appreciating what I do have, and enjoying the small stuff in the every day.

[I will never have a partner again and live alone, friends very thin on the ground, feel isolated but have adjusted and even enjoy the seclusion now].

magpie17 Sat 19-Mar-16 19:31:21

I haven't felt like this but I have single friends who have talked about feeling this way. What I would say (patronisingly I expect) is that 29 is very young. I got together with DH at 31 and married at 34, we now have a baby. A lot can change in a short space of time.

Make sure you get 'out there' though, online dating, join clubs, socialise with new groups based on your interests or things you would like to try. Just with the aim of meeting new people and making friends. Chances are, you will meet somebody if you are open to it and mixing with new and different people.

magpie17 Sat 19-Mar-16 19:32:01

Also - I met my DH at work, keep your eyes peeled at your new job!

GarlicShake Sat 19-Mar-16 19:38:43

Has anyone else had these feelings? If so, how did you deal with them

1. Married a twat.
2. Allowed my 'best friend' to move in and dominate my life.
3. Married a twat.

Don't follow my example grin

When you get your new house, close the door from the inside and lean on it for a few minutes. That space is yours - all yours - and there's nothing else like the feeling!

Plus, you'll be frequently amazed at the unexpected envy from your coupled-up, baby-wearing friends.

Life comes in many colours. None of them is better than the others.

maggiethemagpie Sun 20-Mar-16 19:56:38

Yes, I had all those feelings. I was single between the ages of 26 and 32 which is a particularly bad age to be single in my opinion!

Just when I had resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to meet anyone, I did in fact meet someone. We are now happily married with two children.

You don't know what the future will hold, so I'm not going to say 'it will happen for you' as no one can know that. But there is a lot of time for things to work out.

You have my sympathy though as I remember feeling the odd one out, all my friends were coupled up and I sometimes felt like I had two heads I felt so odd. I found also that other couples would gravitate to other couples which made me feel even worse.

There's not much advice I can give you other than to try not to despair. I went from being, in my view 'terminally single' and giving up on relationships, to living with a guy and up the duff within a year. If you'd told me that the year before I'd have said you were absolutely crazy. Yet it did happen. Remember, anything can happen. Good luck.

LonestarStateOfMind Sun 20-Mar-16 22:01:52

I had an extended period of singleness from twenties into thirties and I really relate to your opening post, especially hearing about engagements and even more so pregnancies. I had an overwhelming feeling that time was slipping away. I don't know what to say to make you feel better only to say you are not alone. I also second what magpie said above about getting out.

Also not many 29 year olds are in a position to buy their own first home by themselves, although it's very scary don't underestimate what a massive achievement that is.

springydaffs Sun 20-Mar-16 22:24:34

I honestly don't think it's a good idea to hang out with the coupled-up when you're feeling like this. Why would you want to do that? I've said here before its like hanging out with the rock when you're really strapped financially.

Yy you wish them well blah blah bit let's not pretend: what they are experiencing is a million miles away (or feels like it) from what you're experiencing at the mo. And you long for what they have. Salt in the wound...

So predominantly hang out with people like you: single, professional. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

springydaffs Sun 20-Mar-16 22:25:16

Like hanging out with the rich!

haveacupoftea Sun 20-Mar-16 23:36:31

You can't just ditch your friends because their life circumstances are different. I live with DP and we are engaged. But I'd do anything for my single friend, she is always welcome in my home and just because I'm in a couple means she has two friends in this house rather than one. And believe it or not, I envy what she has pretty often too.

It's like saying childless people should avoid people with children. That's a one way path to becoming bitter and lonely.

Iflyaway Sun 20-Mar-16 23:45:27

all my friends were married by 26

Hope not, but a lot will be divorced by 46....

You are 29. Not even 30. So much time to meet a great partner, don't settle for less because of loneliness.

We all get lonely. That's a fact.

You're doing great by being able to move into your own home before 30. Just be sure you have all your legal/financial ducks in a row before moving a future partner in.

You have some of your best decades ahead of you, take it from me old gimmer haha

springydaffs Mon 21-Mar-16 00:38:51

I didn't say ditch those friends just keep your distance while you're feeling so vulnerable.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 21-Mar-16 01:08:47

I know the feeling of being loney and living a life that is totally out of sync with my friends. I am 32 and all my friends are starting to get married, start families and buy property. I have already been married, had kids and bought a couple of properties. Now its just me and the kids as my ex wife left us for another man. I do feel a bit left out as I am at a different stage in life from most of my friends. Although I never regret buying my first property in my early 20s. It was hard work but worth it, just make sure if you get with someone to protect your assests. It's hard when everyone is all love up and you wake to an empty bed. Even harder when it seems everyone know doesn't have that problem.

I sometimes fear that at our stage in life all the good ones will have been taken of the shelf. But then I think I can be the only decent person to have married a bad one so there must be good ones my age looking for a decent partner. So keep your chin up as there will be someone out there. If all else fails as mentioned above once you get near your 40s the market should be flooded again grin

stumblymonkey Mon 21-Mar-16 05:08:01

Like some previous posters I do remember feeling like this when I was single.

I split up with my only long term relationship (of 2 years) when I was around 28 and I was then single until 32.

Although a lot of your friends may already be settled down 29 would be considered quite young where I am to be married with children. Here it's more the norm to meet someone in your early 30's, so by no means are you 'behind the curve'.

I'm personally glad that I haven't settled until my 30's as I feel like I had a whole life before settling down and if I'd missed out on that I may have resented it. Plus I feel I've made a much better choice of partner now than I would have made a few years ago.

I met my DP and within a year we were living together and trying for our first child so remember that circumstances can change very quickly.

The best thing you can do now is turn the way you think of your current situation from:

"I feel alone, everyone else is settled down and I feel like this might never happen for me and I'm scared"


"This could be the last period of time in my life where I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want to. I will absolutely make the most of this time knowing that I will be in a relationship again when I meet the right person".

If you knew for sure this was the last time you'd be single what would you plan to do? Travel solo? Learn something new? What?

Go and do those things!

Stormtreader Tue 22-Mar-16 13:18:13

Im in the same position but at 35 sad Went to my friends wedding a few weekends ago, 11 couples and me, not one other single person there!

It helps a bit to try and find some hobbies/activities that you can do on your own or with a group you dont know like Meetup, I find being surrounded by couples all the time gets a little grating after a while.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 09:44:09

re your thread title. Get with people where you're not odd, the odd one out eg single people. If you spend all your time with couples then, yes, you are technically the odd one out.

<repeats self>

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