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not sure if it's me or him

(5 Posts)
Nottsangel2015 Sat 19-Mar-16 08:57:50

So I've been with my dp for 3 years. We fell pregnant January 2015 (planned) both have another child from previous relationship. Unfortunately he lost his mum in May last year, such a sad time during that part of our pregnancy. I was still working at the time full time however dp had an online business which started to slip as he was just not putting any effort in (understandably due to grieving for his mum which was a very sudden and unexpected death)
In July I was admitted to hospital with preeclampsia and had to stay in until delivery of baby, he was quite supportive and looked after my dd himself and would come to the hospital for 3 hours a day before he had to pick dd up from school. He would then some nights come back up with her so I could see her. Then at 30 weeks we had to deliver as things got worse. This resulted in a baby in nicu and myself in hospital hdu for a further week. Our baby did amazing and she came home after just 4 weeks on the unit! This is where our problems started. He had let work slip while I was in hospital then while baby was in hospital. The business had gone down the pan. As I'm on maternity it has been a struggle, the only income we have coming in my maternity, tax credits, child benefit and some housing benefit top up, now this would be sufficient if, he didn't drive, or smoke, or have a tendency for take always. He is due monies from his mums estate and we have been waiting for this since October last year, it is in its final process, however he has used this as a reason to not be working, his grandparents have sent some token money to us to help ie at Xmas and when we had to move as our landlord sold our house but month to month we end up looking for things to sell to raise the extra cash we are short. He is holding off until this money comes to plough back into the business and get back up and running. However since February I have been working my kit days once a week to earn a little extra and as of April when my smp runs out I am back at work 4 days a week. 2 days from home and 2 days in the office.
I haven't had mine or my dd1 hair cut in over a year, I am always behind on dinner money and scouts subs.
We pay his ex £20 a week maintenance and I receive none for my dd as her dad is a shit!
I am starting to resent my dp now for the fact that I'm having to go back to work pretty much full time because he isn't earning and I'm starting to resent the fact we are paying our maintenance for his other dd and yet I can't afford something as simple as getting our hair cut. Resenting the smoking as well as that's £50 a week!!!
We are not very close anymore which started when we brought dd 2 home from hospital and as she was prem and so small we used to sleep in shifts so he'd stay up until 5 with her then I'd get up and he'd sleep in the day. Then when this phase passed he said he couldn't come to bed with me as I go to early and dut to sleeping habits and his PlayStation gaming he doesn't want to go to bed until after midnight which I said is unfair for him to come to bed waking me up then when I have to get up with the baby still
Sometimes and her get up time is normally 5-6am
He is trying and he comes to bed with me at 10 3 nights a week the rest he sleeps downstairs, but then at the weekends like today when dd2 wakes up I have to keep her in bed with me stuck on baby tv and entertain her until 9am. I'm beginning to resent this also.
Please tell me if its just me been selfish or unreasonable. We are arguing a lot, mainly about the fact he doesn't come to bed much and about money. It's putting a massive strain on us and at the moment I just don't know if we can make it. Sorry I've rambled for so long!

Nottsangel2015 Sat 19-Mar-16 09:15:01

I will add he only pays £20 as we have her every weekend and also through half of every school holiday. I have no problem that he pays it I admire men that do as my dd dad doesn't bother (another story) but it sometimes leaves us right and I feel he should be making the effort to earn that st least so it takes the pressure off us a little financially.
I should also add that it is me that usually starts the arguments and I know I make little digging comments to him. Which I shouldn't.
Anyway just wanted to add that in.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 19-Mar-16 09:17:27

He needs to learn to live within budget and stop the drinking, smoking, and take-aways. Those are luxuries that only get bought AFTER child maintenance and bills and scouts etc. have been paid.

Was he hardworking before his bereavement? If yes then he will probably return to that after some time, hopefully once he gets the re-investment money he apparently needs for his business.

If not, then you have a very long-term problem and it could be that this man is as feckless as the deadbeat dad of your DD.

Nottsangel2015 Sat 19-Mar-16 09:29:37

Thank you for your reply, he can be hardworking but he can just as easy become lazy and needs kicking up the Arse.
I think the problem now is he's just got used to not really doing anything and I feel there maybe a struggle getting him back into the swing even when he does have the money to reinvest. The business didn't really take up a massive amount of time, probably 3 hours a day give or take to process orders and deal with customers. He does lack motivation to do anything right now. Even as far as taking the kids out at the weekend, unless it's to McDonald's or somewhere that benefits him he cba, so today I'm taking all the kids to a science fair myself while he stays at home no doubt watching football and YouTube vids!

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 19-Mar-16 10:16:09

"The business didn't really take up a massive amount of time, probably 3 hours a day give or take"

Doesn't sound very hardworking.

Do you honestly think that this is a man who will provide for your family?

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