Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Hi Ladies, this is the first time I've posted here but have lurked for several years. However I need some advice/perspective and mumsnet advice always seems sensible so here goes;
I've been married 10 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Hubby and I have had a couple of fights lately but My husband has just accused me of being selfish and unsupportive - he has just dropped the bombshell that he has been on antidepressants for 4 years but didn't tell me as he didn't think I would care. He had taken a previous course of them for anxiety prior to that and we had an argument which was my fault, just after he started taking them ( about a roof rack of all things!) and he hasn't forgiven me despite an apology. He told me that I am selfish and unsupportive because he does so much more than me - he works 9 days a fortnight, is doing his masters degree at uni and he estimates that he has put in hundreds of hours in renovation work along with his dad, he also helps out with our son and occasionally cleans in the house. He's a good hardworking man and I appreciate everything he does but be doesn't think I do. This is what he told me;
1. I havent helped enough with the reno's - We moved in to our house which is a renovation 3 years ago when I was 20 weeks pregnant. At that time I did lots of sanding and interior painting - up a ladder painting as late as 34 weeks preg. Since our son was born I've looked after him, cooked,cleaned washed etc, while he got on with the Reno work. BTW I work 2-3 x 12 hour night shifts a week as a nurse also. I've also done some of the exterior painting. Other than that I'll admit not much. He had always said he knew I couldn't do most of the jobs but now says I could have done stuff while son was afternoon napping like digging garden over etc, helping him with tiling, moving bricks etc.
2. He said I didn't support him in his first year of his masters. I proof read his essays and helped that way but he said that he still lost marks for spelling and grammar and that's my fault. He expects me to do 15/20% of his work this semester (we do the same job).
3. I'm selfish because I had a bit of pmt and was a bit off and grumpy the other day. He said I should be managing my emotions and not treating him like s$&@ when he's under stress. (I really wasn't treating him like s$&@).
Am I lazy selfish and unsupportive? I'm feeling pretty hurt here and would welcome some perspective if I'm being a twit?
Um, that's HIS Masters, not yours... getting someone else to do it for you is cheating and would have him thrown off the course if he were found out. Do you get 20% of the qualification at the end and an acknowledgement in the list of sources? No, didn't think so. Getting someone to help with the proof reading isn't cheating but it's still lazy if he didn't check it himself and just run it past you as a backstop.
Meanwhile you're doing a very nearly full-time job, looking after a child, doing most of the housework and a bit of renovation on top. I don't think that makes you lazy unless you're leaving out some important facts. If he's doing more, great, but that doesn't mean you aren't doing enough.
By the sound of it he's taking his depression out on you because you're nearest.
he has just dropped the bombshell that he has been on antidepressants for 4 years but didn't tell me
Did he offer any proof of this?
I'm not sure if this sounds like he's a selfish, martyred arse, or whether you're both tired and stressed from working and studying at the same time whilst parenting a young child and doing up a house.
If he has genuinely been on anti-d's since 1.5 years before the birth of your child, and hadn't told you, then there are definitely some major communication issues in your marriage. OTOH if he hasn't been on them, or not for that long, then he's telling you very hurtful lies in order to emotionally manipulate you, which is terrible.
'Selfish, martyred arse' sounds bang on thr money to me. Tell him do do his own fkn Masters.
Tbh I wouldn't want our family to be committed to the amount of work your family has and would want to simplify.
The moment my DH blames me for anything that is his responsibility, or says he's hiding things because I supposedly don't care enough would be the moment I realised he was projecting and had little thought for me.
If he hasn't got time for work and the renovation then he should be rethinking HIs masters. Note: his - not yours!
He is the selfish one.
I would say six of one and half a dozen of the other. Go to relationship counselling to help you both communicate better and get more perspective. You seem to have a good foundation - now's the time to invest in protecting that.
I think you're both doing too much. I'm exhausted just reading i.
"He expects me to do 15/20% of his work this semester"
HA ha ha ha ha ha. Tell him to go take a running jump. His work, his responsibility.
He sounds like a blamer. They do not make good partners.
He sounds like a blamer. They do not make good partners
Exactly. You're combined workload is too much. He's happy with that, you aren't. I wasn't either with my DH as it was me who had to be flexible to fit round him and his values. I put my foot down and things have been improving.
Ask him why people need childminders nannies and nurseries - yes that's right because looking after a child is a full time job!!
So you do 24 to 36 hours of nights and look after a pre school child and he thinks you should be doing more?
Him working 9 days in 14 gives him 5 free days which he is currently spending on s masters which he is now expecting you to assist on.
He was very unreasonable expecting you to be up a ladder in late pregnancy by the way.
I also think he is being unreasonable but it's likely you have got a lot going on with working a child and a renovation project, without factoring in a masters.
How much time does he spend with your child ?
I suspect he thinks your child either naps all day or watches CBeebies and you are just eating biscuits or painting your toenails and has no idea of how full on a 21/2 year old is and therefore thinks you aren't stepping up,
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.