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Why hasnt he tried to have sex with me?

(17 Posts)
katy55bst Sat 19-Mar-16 00:02:27


I met a wonderful man last year. We met up as friends for a few months, before I divulged my feelings for him. Since then he has been really affectionate - lots of cuddling on sofa, hand holding whilst walking etc. But he hasnt tried anything more on! We have only had long-ish pecks on the lips, but no full on passionate snogs. Usually even with people I did not really know (e.g. online dating) I would be sleeping with them within a month, and I divulged my feelings 2 months ago now.

He has never mentioned an ex-girlfriend either. Is it possible he has never had a girlfriend and has no clue what to do?! (he is 40) I find this hard to believe because he is very outgoing and has lots of friends. But I can't think why else he would not have tried anything on by now! What do you think? Should I dump him as a lost cause? But we get on so well and like all the same things, and I am really attracted to him. But I need sex too. I don't have the impression he is not attracted to me either, he just seems awkward whenever we are alone and something could happen. I don't really know how to proceed anymore.


LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 19-Mar-16 00:11:54

Maybe he can't have sex due to ED.

Other options - he is one of those rare late virgins, but I'd say less likely as he would have made more steps by now. A long shot but he may be gay and just likes you a lot, but isn't really attracted (which would be nasty as he should've been honest rather than string you along).

Did you try to move things along by suggesting going to the bedroom (if he is coy that's not as childish as it sounds) ? If you can't do that then just ask, can't see any other option.

Europeshoe1 Sat 19-Mar-16 00:12:40

Why haven't you tried anything more?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sat 19-Mar-16 00:12:52

If you're old enough to have a relationship you're old enough to discuss it.

Herewegoagainfolks Sat 19-Mar-16 00:13:22

Why not just talk to him about it?

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 19-Mar-16 00:19:33

oh and he can also he asexual - or just have a very low sex drive. I think the lacl of passionate kissing is more alarming than lack of trying actual sex as normally sgy or inexperienced people feel much more safe with proper kissing than going further. Though with ED which I mentioned, they would actually surpress the passion as it's too embarassing for them.
So yeah probably best to gently ask whether he's interested in more than hand holding and the long pecks!

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 19-Mar-16 05:32:14

Are you even dating?

Maybe he thinks you're both still friends.

Maybe he's a commitment -phobe who enjoys having you in love with him and is leading you on just enough but with no intention to reciprocate.

Maybe he's got Issues.

You won't know until you ask him.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 19-Mar-16 06:03:17

I was wondering if you're actually going out with him?

I'd be having a conversation about that - shall we go out exclusively together etc.

Sallyingforth Sat 19-Mar-16 12:08:21

Why not just talk to him about it?

Next time you kiss, tell him "That was nice. I'd like something more".
It worked for me

katy55bst Sat 19-Mar-16 13:44:49

Thanks all!

Yes I am sure we are going out, I don't normally cuddle up with friends and caress their arms! And he did buy me a valentine card, which is not something friends would do.

Right maybe I just need to be a bit more proactive as suggested. I suppose I am used to the man always taking the initiative in the past!

BolshierAryaStark Sat 19-Mar-16 13:46:26

What have you done to move the relationship along? Why does it have to be him that makes the first move towards sex?

JeffersonCrisp Sat 19-Mar-16 13:49:22

Why can't you ask him?

PestilentialCat Sat 19-Mar-16 13:51:02

I think either ED or no previous GF. At his age the latter is probably more likely than the former does he still live with his parents?

You need to either talk to him or make some sort of lunge grin

liberatedwine Sat 19-Mar-16 13:57:40

When you divulged your feelings, what was his response?

Maybe he's religious and doesn't believe in sex before marriage? Maybe he's gay?

Ask him if he fancies a shag! Initiate some passionate snogging, make it clear you want some physical intimacy.

pocketsaviour Sat 19-Mar-16 14:38:48

You've been going out with him 2 months and you've never discussed your relationship histories? What do you talk about?

HormonalHeap Sat 19-Mar-16 14:56:20

Hmm. 2 months isn't a long time. If your gut's telling you there's an issue though then there probably is. My dh wouldn't sleep with me for the first 4 months because his decree absoute hadn't come through, and it just didn't fit with his moral compass. If I was you I'd just ask him outright.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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