Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

how do you actually split up

(19 Posts)
ShapeShifting Fri 18-Mar-16 22:36:51

We've got two v young DCs and own s house which we recently bought together. How would we even begin to split up? Both know it's shit, even though he said tonight it's a normal relationship.
Sorry a short description but I don't know what else to add. I'm fed up of the no affection, no sex, arguing, one upmanship, separate rooms. Etc etc

ShapeShifting Sun 20-Mar-16 18:46:44


TempusEedjit Sun 20-Mar-16 19:55:38

Are you married?

ShapeShifting Sun 20-Mar-16 21:27:52

Not married.

MadeMan Sun 20-Mar-16 21:32:27

I suppose talking about/suggesting splitting up would be the first thing.

ShapeShifting Sun 20-Mar-16 21:34:28

Yes true but he doesn't seem to listen and I start brushing it under the carpet and think I can go on. How do I actually stick with the idea?

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 20-Mar-16 21:34:34

Honesty. Say how you feel then make arrangements to move out Go see cab/council/ solicitor. Find out about housing benefits and where you stand legally.
Then make sure you got friends and family to support you while you adjust

BertieBotts Sun 20-Mar-16 21:35:50

Ah sorry you're in this situation OP, it's horrible sad

I found that my ex wouldn't entertain the concept of a conversation about splitting up. He'd either cry and make me feel like the worst person in the world or somehow turn it around so I felt like I had to make things up to him, or promise me the world and I'd get all hopeful and then nothing would change. Or he'd get vaguely threatening which worried me.

So in the end I found a place to rent on my own and just moved out one day while he was at work. I felt horrible about it but he just was not accepting the message that the relationship was over and it was the right choice.

windygales Mon 28-Mar-16 20:38:56

I've NCd since starting thread.
I've chatted to my DP and he said it's a normal relationship and I am chasing a dream. He said he wasn't bothered if I met anyone new.

BertieBotts Mon 28-Mar-16 21:22:20

"no affection, no sex, arguing, one upmanship, separate rooms. Etc etc" is not a normal relationship.

windygales Mon 28-Mar-16 23:15:16

I know Bertie. It's been bad for years now. I start a new job soon and that means I'll have financial independence. Just getting myself slowly sorted.
I'll miss him but I can't live like this

BertieBotts Tue 29-Mar-16 09:36:13

I'm busy with family stuff this week, but bump for you in case anyone is around.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Mar-16 09:57:03

Could you arrange a sitter & maybe have the conversation over dinner out of the home environment? How long has it been separate rooms, no sex etc? That must be getting him down as well. He needs to know you mean business & doing it away from the house may just be the key to unlocking all of this. Good luck, really do feel for you.

windygales Tue 29-Mar-16 12:39:12

Thanks Berty.
And The Naze- thanks that's what We need.
The separate rooms is mainly due to him getting sleep as we have young DCs. But we have had sex 3x since birth of first DC now 3.5.
I think he is unhappy but he wants to live with the children. And ultimately we would love to make it work. He is very good at burying head in Sand

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Mar-16 18:03:11

Was/is his parents' marriage similarly loveless? Is that why he thinks it's normal.

You need to either change things or put an end to things if you don't want your DC growing up to believe the same!

windygales Tue 29-Mar-16 19:56:25

His parents are still together in an "idyllic" house and setting. Mums never worked, dad works hard. Mum drinks too much. Dad is misogynistic, v v belittling of women. He Sits at head of table. Constantly talks about women's and men's differences. His mum has confided in me after wine, that Fil controlling and nasty and getting nastier. They all bury head in sand about everything and nothing gets discussed.

ThisIsme2 Tue 29-Mar-16 19:59:41

My xh also wouldn't accept our relationship was over, said it was all we could expect at our age! In the end I just found a place and told him I was going.

windygales Tue 29-Mar-16 21:08:00

My DM and DF were at each other's throats for years. And we were bought into the arguments. It's made me anxious and insecure. I don't know what a good relationship is myself.

moansnet Tue 29-Mar-16 21:23:38

Sounds a lot like my situation - DM and DF were never in love as far as I could tell. FIL is a bully. Me and ExP had problems for years, but whenever I brought it up he buried his head in the sand and used the "this is a normal relationship" line. After 5 years of separate rooms, no affection etc it was actually him who said we should end it. I was relieved. We're now sorting out how to separate practically (young DC, not enough money for 2 homes - the usual!).

I feel like I can move on practically (once finances are sorted - like you I'm looking for a new job) but moving on emotionally, when I don't really know what a good adult relationship looks like, is tricky because I'm not really sure where we started to go wrong or what we could have done to put things back on track (if anything).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now