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To move 3.5 hours away?

(37 Posts)
Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 15:50:48

Not sure where to start, looking for advice and anyone who has moved for a relationship.
I don't feel like I've had much luck. After 13 years I divorced my exh who left me with out 18 month old son, this was 2009. I had ongoing councelling which helped.
I then feel into what became an EA relationship which eventually escalated to stalking and took me a long time to get out of.
I took up new hobbies, I have friends, I work, own my own house.
May last year I met someone else, not looking, my hobby took me away and we met in a pub. We kept in contact via Facebook. I wasn't expecting anything to come of it but I like him, he has lots of potential, is clever. Lots of attractive qualities.
He was separated from his wife. Our talking turned into 7 hour round trips most weekends and eventually he told me he loved me and me him.
Feb I found out I was pregnant (ectopic) and am still not back to 'normal' now. Bleeding for 2 weeks now. I've struggled with single parenting, keeping it together and not talking about it . The friend I did tell was very judgemental of the situation and really upset me.
I'm 39, he's 42. I feel this is an opportunity a chance for another child and happiness. I'm not in a job I want to be in either although it has provided stability for me and my son.
Question is- do I move? I will be taking my son 3.5 hours away, away from his dad (who sees him but unfortunately I haven't had a conversation with him for years).. He has moved on a lives with another woman now.
I've felt stuck. I wonder if this could be 'my time' or if it's too risky.
How do I decide?

RealityCheque Fri 18-Mar-16 16:54:01

No, you don't move to enable your son to continue contact with his dad.

Your new man could always move?

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 17:07:02

New man has just got a new job and would be the main earner. He also has a daughter, so it works both ways. We could compromise and move 2 hours away which new man is happy with as it closer to his work. My son would still see his dad, I'm happy to meet him half way eow for contact.
New man and I would both like a child and I've effectively 'stood still' for years now until this opportunity has come along. I'm very reasonable with exh re contact, always have been. I feel my son would adapt although I know it will be tricky.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 17:10:46

I'm really sorry about the lost pregnancy sadflowers

And because of that I'm sorry to be blunt when you're feeling delicate. Nothing in your post says you love this man. Even if you weren't thinking of taking your son away from his father (don't do that) I would say - what are you thinking of?! You don't love him. He's attractive, clever and has potential. That ain't love. Throw him back in the sea and wait for someone that you love - and who will move to you.

I suspect this lost pregnancy is just driving you to be pregnant again (I was a woman possessed after a miscarriage!) but it's a bad decision to move your son 3.5 hours from his father when the driving force is you wanting a baby, not even really this man - at least, that's how I read your post.

If he has 'potential' let him move to you and explore that.

LeaLeander Fri 18-Mar-16 17:16:48

Did this man ever divorce?

Don't take your son away from his father in any event.

SeaCabbage Fri 18-Mar-16 17:24:17

How long have you been seeing the new man and how often does your son see his father?

IlikePercyPig Fri 18-Mar-16 17:35:50

I wouldn't, it sounds as though you just want another child and you see this man as the best chance to achieve that.

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 18:06:54

Ah no.. Sorry you're reading it wrong.. I'm not talking anytime soon, I still am 'exploring' so to speak, getting to know him. I do love him, I'm frightened though from past experiences but I know I need to move on. Yes he is getting divorced.
I would like another child yes but it doesn't have to be too soon and it's not the driving force. It needs to be right.. The long distance makes it hard.. But if we decide we want to take it to the next step I'm sure there is a way.. I wonder why it comes across I don't love him.. It's not an arrangement.. I do love him and can see that love growing with more time together..

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 18:11:07

Seeing him since last May. My son sees his father eow and once or twice in the week.
I can let it go on, possibly think of moving next year or alternatively end it, but I really don't want to..

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 18:12:25

I will ask him re moving to me..

hownottofuckup Fri 18-Mar-16 18:46:38

No it's not unreasonable to persue your own happiness in life, even as a mother!
You can still facilitate your son's contact with his dad and have already suggested reasonable ways in which to do this.
Personally I would want to get a job in the new area, to afford me some independence, protection and choices.
It may not work out, but that can be said of everything we do in life.
If the time comes and you want to persue it, I think you should.

TattieHowkerz Fri 18-Mar-16 18:50:35

Move in between.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:00:14

I don't think it's reasonable though to change contact from EOW + 1 or 2 midweeks

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:00:28

Posted too soon!

expatinscotland Fri 18-Mar-16 19:03:33

your exh might oppose such a move via the courts.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:04:14

EOW + mid weeks to just EOW.
I personally think that changes the relationship from a day to day in his life, to a visitor. And I think it's best for child to have both parents playing a regular part in their lives.
EOW at a distance means the father can't nip off work early for parents evening or school play. A distance means the son can't keep doing the same clubs whichever parent he is with, it means missing social events.

I put my money where my mouth is - I have a fucking killer commute to stay in the same town as my child's father. I think it's better for her.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:08:36

And yes your son would adapt - but he shouldn't have to.
Honestly, I'd go to court over it if it were me.
It's hard to put my finger on it, but I'm uncomfortable with you saying that you're "reasonable" with your ex about contact - that's not a good thing, that's just how it should be.

Anyway, you've only been seeing him 10 months - too soon to make a decision this big I think, because of the kids.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:15:06

And your comment about being happy to meet half way EOW for contact...
Well, that's your choice to have two 7 hour drives EOW, but you're forcing that on your son and ex too!
Frankly if my ex did this I'd tell him to fuck right off and do ALL the driving. He'll only see his son EOW and now 2 big chunks of that will be taken up with driving. It's shit.

If you're going to spend 7 hours driving EOW, let it be to your boyfriend's house. You can meet midweek by doing half the drive each, or him moving closer to reduce that.

expatinscotland Fri 18-Mar-16 19:18:39

'Honestly, I'd go to court over it if it were me.'

I would, too.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Mar-16 19:24:51

So, let me get this right.

After a failed marriage (not blaming you, just stating a fact) and a disastrous abusive relationship you are seriously considering moving your son half way across the country to be near some bloke who is actually still married and you have been seeing for 10 months ?

Have a really good think about whether you think this can have anything other than a poor outcome for your son.

Cabrinha Fri 18-Mar-16 19:32:52

Tbf to the OP, she has said she's only thinking about this and isn't ready to do it yet, and wanted experiences. So I think she knows it's a bad idea.

My experience is of making the decision to stay local. As I mentioned above, you wouldn't believe my commute! (it's so far it's on a sodding plane!) But my experience is this - much as I hate my prick of an ex - my daughter has a fab and close relationship with us both, and is never stuck in a car for hours, and never misses friends' birthday parties.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Fri 18-Mar-16 20:05:04

It shouldn't even be a decision you are contemplating.

If the new man wants a future he has to understand your son needs to stay close to his dad. Chuldren should always come first. Plenty of time for adults to do as they please when children leave home.

It's isnt even a year and you're already having unsafe sex with a pregnancy, thinking of moving hours away and making him provide for you.

Belikethat Fri 18-Mar-16 20:31:19

How many miles away is it? It must be the other end of the country if it takes 3.5 hours.

I don't think it's fair on a child to make that journey, even every other weekend. My dc would never cope with that. I drive my dc across a city during rush hour on a Friday and it's horrendous (not far in miles but traffic stop start all the way.)

It sounds like you really want a child and as you are nearly 40 I imagine you want to get on with it. If it wasn't for that I would say it is far too early to be planning to move
in with someone.

Long distance relationships are hard. I wouldn't do it with dc myself although of course you deserve to be happy. Would it make your boy happy though?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 18-Mar-16 21:00:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 21:47:52

Whatuseeiswhatyouget has hit the nail on the head completely. This is exactly where I am. My exh left me, after relate councelling with our 18 month old son, no discussion then and rented a flat without my knowledge. He has moved on. I'm still in the marital home, in the same job, getting by.. The pain at times I've felt has been unbearable.
I am not going to make rash decisions, hence I'm on here 'airing' it.. I want to hear all views so I can balance things up in my own mind.
I'm not denying I'd love another child- but I'd come to terms with not. Perhaps it won't happen but there is an opportunity there. Yes I'm nearly 40 so perhaps only a few years left..
I agree re travelling for my son. Equally he has a daughter, only 5..
I'm trying to think positively and sensibly how we can work it to weigh up all options. I don't want to end it but understand I may have to.
He and his ex have separated amicably and she is accepting of me. We are taking the kids on a short holiday over Easter (separate accommodation) but together.
I also don't want to spend precious time wasting my time.. If he was here with me I'd definitely move in with him and give it a shot.
My exh doesn't attend parents evenings, he doesn't discuss our son with me..
The abusive relationship was one hell of a mistake but it is very different with new man... 9 months in yes, I know it's early. I've been in a relationship 13 years, new man 15 years and of course I worry where he is in his own mind.. I just don't know what to do longer term..

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