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Still having to share house with Ex-H... Now he's inviting his GF round...

(54 Posts)
twelveyeargap Fri 18-Mar-16 10:28:52

It's been YEARS since I've posted on MN, but I really have no idea how to handle this, so hopefully my extended absence will be forgiven.
Ex and I are divorced, but do not have finances sorted out (he pushed the decree absolute through despite not having arrangements made) and therefore we are still living in the same house. This situation is as awesome as it sounds.

He has been with his girlfriend for a year (since before we split up, but I'm rising above it). As he intends to live with/ marry and have more kids with this woman, I said it was important for our children to build a relationship with her before that happened. They've had days out, stayed at girlfriend's flat, which I'd me more ok with if I'd met her, but anyway...

Girlfriend has been told by my ex-h that I am moving out (happy to if he buys me out and provides for the kids, but this is a bone of contention). She has even moved her business to 300m from my house, basically waiting for me to leave.

We are now 10 months into this ridiculous divorce saga. Ex-h getting more and more annoyed that I don't want to sign up to his deranged financial schemes and don't want to remain on the mortgage the house he wants to live in with someone else. (He can't afford to remortgage it as sole mortgage holder, needs a reality check).

So now he's decided his next brilliant move is to invite the girlfriend round for dinner when I'm not here. Got a text last night saying "What time will you be back? GF coming for dinner with the kids".

Obviously I said, "I don't agree to this. It's not appropriate for her to be in my home." (I know she's been there when kids and I were away, but not openly). He's saying he has a right to have whichever visitors he choses in his home. Am I living in some sort of altered reality? What do I do here? She was gone when I got home, but wouldn't be at all surprised if she starts spending the night. What kind of message is this sending the kids?

LaurieFairyCake Fri 18-Mar-16 11:02:25

Talk to your solicitor about an occupation order as it would have a detrimental effect on the children having both of you there.

You need to progress a financial settlement so he or you move out.

thankshe's a cunt without the depth and warmth

Ouriana Fri 18-Mar-16 11:12:16

This is insane! How can his gf even be comfortable with the situation?
Long term whats the most realistic situation with the house, could you afford to buy him out and take iver the mortgage? Or do you need to sell? Either way I think you need a solicitor, and fast!

molyholy Fri 18-Mar-16 11:19:40

Your husband and the OW are behaving appalingly. The bare faced cheek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twelveyeargap Fri 18-Mar-16 12:43:25

Thanks! You start to question your judgement when things like this drag on for so long. We have mediation booked in a few weeks but I don't know if he will attend.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit Fri 18-Mar-16 12:49:45

What do you want to happen?

(Realistically I mean, nice as it might be for both of them to FOTTFSOFTFOSM!).

Lelania Fri 18-Mar-16 12:56:11

I think that it's the situation that is unreasonable rather than you or your ex. If neither one of you can afford to keep the house on your own then you need to consider selling it and splitting the profits.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 18-Mar-16 12:56:36

Did you institute divorce proceedings against him? Regardless, how was he able to 'push the Absolute through' and what does your solicitor have to say about the current situation?

As you co-own your home, he has every right to entertain who he wants in it - and so do you.

pippistrelle Fri 18-Mar-16 13:21:13

Bloody hell, what a pair of wankers. Sorry, I don't have practical advice: I'm just feeling outraged on behalf of you and your children.

twelveyeargap Fri 18-Mar-16 13:38:40

I would be more than happy to sell the house, split the equity and go our separate ways, both downsizing, as one must in these situations. He wants to keep it, can't afford to buy me out and can't afford to remortgage on his own. I certainly can't afford to keep the house on my own. I can't even afford to rent unless I can get equity out of the house as I will need to pay off a chunky personal debt to be able to live on my salary.

We started divorce proceedings years ago, obtained a decree nici, reconciled and lived together again, then he met his new partner and said he wanted to split up. He later applied for the decree absolute of the old proceedings and told me we were divorced.

He wants me to take a lump sum out of equity to move out and let him buy the rest of my equity over a number of years. (I don't think he can really afford it and certainly can't on the income he is declaring). He doesn't think I should see any capital gain in that time, even though my ability to buy another place is diminishing with every year I wait for the capital.
He also wants to keep our very cheap mortgage deal, which means me staying on the mortgage and not saying anything to the lender.

He's resisting providing financial disclosure. Neither of us can afford for this to go to court, so he's trying to bully me into taking his offer. I said no, saw a solicitor, said I couldn't agree a consent order without seeing disclosure and offered mediation (again). All the while I'm basically living in my bedroom to stay out of the way of verbal abuse, while he refers to me 'the lodger'.

FWIW I'm lucky enough to have healthcare provided at work and have been seeing a counsellor since it all kicked off last May. Hence I"m still relatively sane, if deeply stressed. Have been trying to keep the kids out of the worst of it, but it's really starting to affect them too. DD was crying at school this week. sad (Which he's saying is my fault for not taking his offer and moving out...) hmm

torthecatlady Fri 18-Mar-16 13:54:01

Wow! What a fucking cunt prick sad Stand your ground and get as much legal advice (without your exh being present) as possible.
It's your house as much as his and i'd have thought you would have an equal say in who visits.
If my dh did any of the things you've mentioned, I'd have been locked up by now! grin

VimFuego101 Fri 18-Mar-16 13:56:05

I didn't think you could get divorced without all the finances being sorted out?

torthecatlady Fri 18-Mar-16 13:57:43

Don't make things easy for him by "settling" and taking his offer. Do everything by the book and only think about the welfare of you and your children.
Once you and the children are out, arrange maintenance and visitation contract pronto! thanks

VioletVaccine Fri 18-Mar-16 13:57:54

Oh my god, I'm raging for you! angry It sounds like he's blatantly hoping he can emotionally bully you- and his own children- out of your home. What a disgusting bastard.

what kind of message is this sending to my kids?
If you have a daughter/s and you allow this, she will inadvertently learn that the 'man of the house' sets the rules, their wishes are final, and that their place is to sit back and tolerate financial and emotional cruelty if the 'man of the house' sees fit to dish it out.
Your children deserve better than that, and so do you flowers

I don't have any practical advice really since I'm sure you want to avoid a murder charge but I'd be tempted to enquire why he can't go swan off and live with his OW, since she'll obviously have a home along with her business?
Honestly, the sheer brass-neck of some people astounds me.

Stand your ground OP. If he can't buy you out, don't be bullied to leave. Or, if he is so sure he's going to marry this girlfriend and have children with her, tell him to ask her to stump up the cash to buy you out grin... I'm sure that'd go down well!

LaurieFairyCake Fri 18-Mar-16 14:01:25

I don't necessarily believe you're divorced if you've seen nothing and it's just his say so.

You can afford to go to court - represent yourself and get it sorted out.

At least take advice about an occupation order for yourself and the children to prevent him moving in the OW

juneau Fri 18-Mar-16 14:03:06

Is he so thick that he can't see that the one and only way for this whole sorry mess to be fixed, once and for all, is for the house to be sold? You can't afford to 'take his offer', nor should you since its all win, win, win for him and lose, lose, lose for you. Please OP go and see a solicitor and get some proper legal advice. This has to be sorted out before it does any more damage to your DC.

Yseulte Fri 18-Mar-16 14:05:35

He wants me to take a lump sum out of equity to move out and let him buy the rest of my equity over a number of years. (I don't think he can really afford it and certainly can't on the income he is declaring).

He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

Bottom line you're going to have to sell and he's going to have to get a grip.

Fratelli Fri 18-Mar-16 14:06:03

How awful. Ask his gf to buy you out! He's insanely thick for not selling. What an idiot. Your poor dcs. It's him who's done all this to them, not you. Don't be bullied and don't hide away in your bedroom! He should feel shame every time he looks at you.

Yseulte Fri 18-Mar-16 14:06:33

Xpost with Juneau. Exactly.

Fratelli Fri 18-Mar-16 14:07:33

Oh, and get proof of the divorce! I'm sure finances have to be sorted. As pps said you can represent yourself.

twelveyeargap Fri 18-Mar-16 14:16:20

Thanks all! I did see an eye-waveringly expensive solicitor recently who also said 'stand up to him, this is ridiculous'. If we do end up in court I'd get advice from her and represent myself, but getting her to go through his financial disclosure to advise me could cost £7K. shock Anyway, my seeing the solicitor and saying, "Fine let's go to court", is what made him back off and agree to mediation again. He's still whining about providing disclosure though.

He sent me a pdf copy of the decree absolute. I never received the original as it went to the address I lived at when we split before. I think I will write to the court and ask for a copy, plus a copy of the application to see what nonsense he wrote to get it.

I also didn't mention that his preference is for me to leave the kids with him! We have verbally agreed a 50/50 arrangement (7 days in 14 including alternating weekends), but I think he only agreed to that as it was probably better than he'd get in court.

He bullied our lovely au pair out last November by telling her she was pointless and started working from home to 'prove' she wasn't needed. He now picks the kids up from school 4 days a week to 'prove' he is a hands-on dad and that I shouldn't have more access than him. For the preceding 18 months we barely saw him, particularly when he started 'sleeping at the office' because he was busy. Funny this was around the time he met the OW... She does have a flat, which I found out (don't ask how) he pays some of the rent for.

twelveyeargap Fri 18-Mar-16 14:23:43

The support here is great. I had forgotten. I have lovely friends, but you know sometimes you start to wonder if friends and family are on your side because it's you, not because it's right? So it's great to be able to post and have a load of lovely strangers back me up too. All very affirmative stuff, right when I was thinking I couldn't keep this up much longer. flowers

Nevergrowingup Fri 18-Mar-16 14:29:58

Have you thought about posting in Legal? You might get some pointers which at least put your thoughts in order. As in 'ducks in a row'.

Your Ex is a piece of work and the idea that your DCs are not affected by this is naïve in the extreme. It may be time for you to take control of this, don't tell him what you are doing, and sort this out not only for your DCs but for yourself.

What sort of woman thinks all of this is OK? Its shameful, utterly shameful to be treating you like this. They deserve each other so make it your priority to let them get on with their lives, but on your terms, not just theirs.

Stay strong.

juneau Fri 18-Mar-16 14:30:30

TBH if I was you I'd try to appeal to any sense he has (which is not much, by the sound of it) and say 'Look, we both want to same thing here. We don't want to live together any more, we both want financial independence from each other, and the DC desperately need to know what's going on. So lets be sensible and honest with one another. I can't afford to leave without equity from this house and you can't afford to buy me out. So lets put the house on the market on Monday and let's end this awful situation that's making us all miserable. I know you want to stay in this house and one of us staying here would be preferable to give the DC some stability, but its just not financially possible, so lets just stop pretending that it is and end this once and for all'. Amen!

MaybeDoctor Fri 18-Mar-16 14:54:17

Have you had estate agents around to get valuations?

Would that prompt any movement you think?

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