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Happy successful division of childcare responsibilities - any advice?

(8 Posts)
cheerfullysleepless Thu 17-Mar-16 17:27:57

First off a disclaimer - my dh is a lovely and reasonable bloke and I really think wants to be fair. However he is also disorganised, laid back and lives minute to minute with a tendency to sincerely agree to things in the moment eg being back from work by a set time and then let events overtake him. Our ds is four months old and I love him to pieces but can't currently drive, live in a small cramped house quite a way from the classes and friends with babies I'd like to see and find myself really exhausted and often bored by the end of each day of doing all the childcare myself from first feed at 6am through to bath, bed and 2-3 nightfeeds (currently ebf). My dh works long hours and does try to come back earlier when he can to help with bathtime or play with ds so I can have bath (once ds in bed I can't do this as sound will wake him up) but max once a week and often doesn't manage it at all. At the weekends I can go out with friends whilst he looks after ds but want us to find balance where can spend more time together rather than getting "time off" from it all.
I miss my job and am going back part time in May and full time September. My dm will help with childcare until August when ds starts nursery. At this point dh will have to be more disciplined about hours as I have to stay late sometimes myself for parents evening etc and I don't think he can be in current role so needs to think about moving in his organisation (civil service.) he also needs to get better at timekeeping and I think could improve this even in current job. I think even now we could share things more fairly but as he can
Leave it all to me through lack of thought I think he often does and I want this to stop and for him to start thinking about new roles too. Whenever I bring this up he agrees but I feel we are getting nowhere and that I am becoming broken record. Tonight was meant to be an early night but he has to stay til six to do a leaving speech. Tomorrow eve is a departmental social out late and last night also out late with friend he is best man for planning wedding which is in USA in sept and which he will be away for for two weeks. I don't object to any of these things individually its the set altogether. Am knackered bored and resentful and am not sure how to fix it. I tried explaining on phone and he said six was early to finish which in current role it is but still don't know when he will be back so not sure if worth making bathtime slightly later etc and also sometimes early has meant home by five and oh Christ I am boring myself. How do I fix this?!!!

crazyhead Thu 17-Mar-16 21:41:02

Write a timetable with specific hours he has to keep? Don't accept the working late excuse? - my DH works in a stressful job and has literally never once been late for kids - if he has extra work he does it when the kids are in bed. Many mothers manage to keep strict hours in stressful senior management jobs - sorry but it isn't good enough and is about making tough choices.

Structure in equality - when you go back to work, organise that he does 50 per cent nursery pick ups and turn off your phone if he tries to cancel - or something along those lines. You certainly need to lay down a rigid routine when you return to work that forces him into a corner.

Why does your husband need two weeks off in the USA when you have such a young baby? You should go as a family and it mainly be a family holiday or he should be there two nights max. I had the same situation when my lo was a baby (dh's brother's wedding in california and these were the options we discussed).

In essence, when your husband had a child he gave up the right to be 'scatty' and 'live in the now'. it sounds out of order.

cheerfullysleepless Thu 17-Mar-16 21:57:48

The timetable idea is good actually I like it!!! He does bring work home but works with ministers so often has to be in... I think he needs a new job really and working on this. Thank you for support!!!

crazyhead Thu 17-Mar-16 22:05:01

I can imagine this kind of job is tricky (lots of friends in Whitehall) - I just think that when you have a kid, you have to see your time as something you jointly 'own' and allocate carefully or someone always gets stung. Fwiw I've had several friends in your position and going back to work really helped. Just for heavens set don't set yourself up as the flexible one at that stage. Better to create a dilemma and your husband to solve it by moving to a different job. Good luck

cheerfullysleepless Fri 18-Mar-16 02:40:24

Thank you - that's exactly what I am trying to avoid as even though he earns more and has more "important" job mine still pays fair chunk of mortgage and means a lot to me. Don't want that accidentally slipping away!

JizzyStradlin Fri 18-Mar-16 08:12:23

If he's going to get unavoidably detained on a regular basis after work, could he be responsible for mornings and drop offs?

cheerfullysleepless Fri 18-Mar-16 10:13:49

Good idea and that is plan at mo but I am worried that will then leave everything else til me and also not going to nursery for ages so need to work out plan now....

lljkk Fri 18-Mar-16 10:25:07

I am grateful that my DH just admitted that he was lousy at getting jobs done if they weren't "routine". Whereas I get worn down & demoralised by routine... So even when he worked FT & I was a SAHM, we found routine child/house jobs that he did, if home at all, & he found that easy. I still do more of the ad hoc tasks and long term planning (like figuring out birthday party plans), middle of night care, etc.

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