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Should I leave my child's father?

(14 Posts)
jayelpe Thu 17-Mar-16 13:45:10

Hi all,

been with my partner for 4.5 years, and have a 9 mo.

Im not sure if I should stay... this is going to be a ramble, apologies in advance.

There is nothing overtly wrong with our relationship, but we have discussed the fact that we would get married when we found out that we were pg, but he still hasnt asked. it is now becoming a major issue with my family who really dislike him / think he can do nothing right. I too am disappointed, but it feels like I am defending him to them. He knows I want to be married, and I have said we are not having any more children until we are, but it feels frustrating waiting and waiting (I ideally wanted 2yrs between children).

With regards to the rest of our relationship - we share the same morals, we get on well (most of the time), have a nice home life, we both work hard, take an even share of the childcare etc. etc. The only other problem is that he can often over react to stuff (I'm sure I have my faults too!) but if we get into a disagreement he deals with is by storming off and being angry - which upsets me because i would rather talk about it and try and work to a conculsion, however we have got much better at this.

Last point! and I don't know if this is a bit crazy but I keep thinking about my ex. I keep having dreams about whether I am supposed to marry him at the aisle of current DP. Im not sure if this is my subconscience saying - ooo your ex would have made that move (he said he knew how he was going to propose etc). I look back at my time with him fondly, and often think I was stypid to finish that relationship etc etc... not sure if this is just rose tinted glasses.

So yes - thoughts please??? I dont want to be a broken family and this for me is super important....

lots of love xx

Arfarfanarf Thu 17-Mar-16 13:56:53

I don't know. Do you want to leave him or do you want him to ask you to marry him or do you want to leave him if he doesn't ask you to marry him??

Why are you waiting to be asked, just out of interest? You have a home together, and a child together, would it not be wise to say look, I want us to be married, I need to know if that is what you want too, if it is then I want us to set a date and make preparations. If it isn't, then I need to know now because I will have some decisions to make.

Perhaps sit down again and talk about your relationship - or would he shut you down and storm off? and go through what's working and what isn't and decide where you go from here. Be very clear that this isn't working for you and it needs to change. Agree what the changes will be and how the two of you will make sure that they are working.

It's probably quite common to come down with a case of the 'what ifs' when things aren't great but what's done is done, you clearly ended things for a reason and this is the person you are with now.

I'm not really a very romantic person grin so perhaps this is too practical and a bit businesslike when what you want is romantic declarations and rose petals and if that's what you want, then tell him that you want and need that.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 17-Mar-16 13:58:49

Why did you finish the relationship with your ex?

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 14:04:20

Your dreams are a red herring. As you can see by some of the threads on here, people dream the strangest stuff. It's also very common to compare to your ex when you are not happy about something.

The thing that pops out of your post is that your family don't like your OP. Why would a whole family randomly not like someone? What haven't you mentioned?

Why do you think marriage is so important to you? Is it important to him?

Have you sat down and calmly chatted about the situation without arguing?

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 17-Mar-16 14:16:40

I'm not sure that dreams are a red herring, I think the fact that you want to be married but it's not your current dp at the end of the aisle speaks volumes.

The bit that I do think is a red herring though is it being your ex standing there, I wonder if it's the "he wasn't as bad as the current dp is" in this scenario I don't think either man is suitable. You left your ex for a reason and your seeing him all rosey and tinted, your dp sounds a bit of a dick and your family hate him.

Take a step back and judge what you can actually see and feel, not what you think you should be.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 17-Mar-16 15:19:10

Set aside the fact that your family don't like him. That's not really relevant and they need to butt out. What is relevant is whether or not YOU are happy in the relationship, whether the relationship is fulfilling your needs.

At this point I think you need to either just quietly accept the fact that he does not ever want to get married, or you need to ask him flat out if that's the way he feels. There's nothing wrong with never wanting to marry, he has a right to feel that way. But he also has a duty to be honest with you about it. If it turns out that he doesn't want to marry you, then you'll have a decision to make. But at least it will be an informed decision.

The rest of your relationship sounds pretty normal. As far as his 'overreacting and stomping off', even that isn't out of the realm of normal as long as he's not becoming abusive or threatening, or blowing things out of proportion to justify his position or to avoid dealing with the problem that caused the blowup in the first place. I've been known to stomp off, so has DH. But we always sheepishly trail back in and apologize.

jayelpe Thu 17-Mar-16 15:43:13

Oh my gosh ladies thank you so so much... this is my first ever post (despite being a board creep forever!) and am overwhelmed that you all took the time to respond.

I guess I just wanted some reassurance that I'm not crazy for staying with him despite he marriage issue. We've both talked about it and I know he's reluctant around the big day because he doesn't like all the attention etc but he said the last time we talked that he would still like to propose.. But is that just a way of keeping me waiting? It's not a be all and end all for me but I would feel let down if he turned around now and said never because that feels like I've been misled.

My family didn't have a problem with him until he didn't ask me to marry him because they think that he is deliberately controlling me by not giving me something that I want iykwim? And now it's escalated into an issue where he can do no right, despite being a great dad and partner generally.

Re the dreams.. I had just seen my ex pop up on Facebook last night which may have prompted the dream last nihht(which in turn inspired this post!). But he was a person I have had relationships on and off with for 10 years or so through school and uni etx. Again break up was really because my mum planted a seed that it wasn't right (gosh I need to work on not letting my mum rule my decisions!!)

Sorry for another ramble and thanks so much for replying.. I do want to stay together as a family and a unit but I just think i overthink everything and wanted to know that it's okay to be pissed off at some thing like the marriage but still just get on with it.. And that the odd storm off is Norma (definitely not abusive just different ways of dealing with things).

Thank you 😘😘😘grin

Arfarfanarf Thu 17-Mar-16 16:00:23

If what you want is to be married then all you need is a registry office and two witnesses. Theres really no pressure there at all.

ouryve Thu 17-Mar-16 16:25:57

I dream about being back at school and sitting GCSEs, but it doesn't mean I have any intention to replace my O-level certificates with shiny new GCSE ones!

You don't seem 100% sure that you want to be married to this guy, anyhow. Who is working at the arguments where he storms off? You or him? Is he getting better at not storming off or are you getting better at not "provoking" him? And how often is the "odd" storm off? Once a year, then yes, we all reach our limit occasionally and have to take a breather. Once a week is a problem.

Keeping the "family unit" is only part of the picture. This is talking about a relationship involving you your DP and this child and any others, presumably for life, but definitely for the long term. It's a long time to be in a relationship where you have to work at not having your partner storm off at every little disagreement and where you're always wondering if he's the right man, anyhow. Marriage won't make that better, btw. It'll just make it harder to walk away from, if you need to. Having 2 happy parents not living together is definitely not worse for a child than having 2 parents living together and at loggerheads over things.

If you're sure you want to be married to him, then you need to say to him "let's set a date." If he says no, then I think you have the answer to what your future with him is likely to be.

ScrambledSmegs Thu 17-Mar-16 16:30:03

Do you love him? Sorry to ask but you haven't actually said.

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 16:31:46

In that case, if it is important to you, I am sure he will do it. It doesn't have to be a massive affair where he would feel uncomfortable.

Discuss it when you are both calm.

peppatax Thu 17-Mar-16 16:34:24

If you are thinking about leaving him because the bottom line is that he doesn't want to get married as much as you then I would not be convinced this is a relationship worth converting to marriage. Especially the thread title - you should never be marrying just 'your child's father', you should be marrying the person that you want to be with regardless of any external factors.

swingofthings Thu 17-Mar-16 16:36:25

It sounds like his issue is not with marriage but the wedding. Do you really need to just stand there waiting for his proposal whilst building up resentment every day he doesn't ask?

If it means so much to you, then bring it up again and again until you agree some direction. I am not talking about every day or every week, but everything week or so, just opening up the conversation about it. Just explain why it means so much to you and how if he really dread the day, you can get married quietly and then maybe one day consider renewing your vows.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 17-Mar-16 17:17:42

Your family needs to butt out of your relationships.

Did you really end the last relationship because your mother criticised him? It sounds as though she is the one controlling you, not any of your partners hmm

There's nothing wrong with not getting married. You just have to make sure everyone is clear anout what they want and not stringing anyone else along. But you also have to be sure this is the right person and not just someone you think you should marry because you have a child.

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