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Am I being taken for a mug?

(35 Posts)
IdiotInDisguise Thu 17-Mar-16 09:46:07

When I first met my boyfriend he said that he was divorced and that he had a grown up child. But after a few weeks, when he became interested on me, he told me that he was actually just separated but still living with his ex.

Naturally, I smelled a rat. So I told him that given that he had enough resources to move out, I couldn't understand why he was still there, so I told him that he needed to sort his relationship with his wife or move on, because it was not fair on anybody to stay in a marriage when the relationship was over. I also told him I didn,t want to see him anymore.

A few months down the line, he contacted me again and told me he had moved out and asked to see me again. In time, and after much insistence, I agreed to and after a few weeks we got involved.

We have been together for 3 years. I see him practically every day, we spend Christmas and other important dates together and I would say that in the surface we have a pretty committed relationship, but... Even after this time, he has not wanted me to meet his son or anybody else in his almost estranged extended family and... he has not applied for a divorce.

I have been thinking long and hard about ending the relationship, and we have had a good number of arguments where I tell him that while he is not divorced we can't move our relationship forward, and where he tells me he doesn't want to upset the exwife and his son, partly because he doesn't want to hurt her and partly because they are currently negotiating how much of the assets each of them will get.

His father, who had advanced dementia, passed away this week. I know he won't want me at the funeral, and I am happy to support him as he is practically alone. This week is not about me and my needs but... I really think I cannot forgive him for keeping me hidden for this long and keeping me at arms lenght at a time when I should be there holding his hand. If he could lie about a long term relationship at this time, what other things could he lie about?

I am tired of hiding and being treated like the OW even when he insists I have never been the OW, as things were over with his ex years before we met.

I don't want to add to his pain by leaving him at this time, I love him, but how much rubbish I should be put through so his grown up son, who only calls him when he needs money, doesn't get upset or because he is risking damaging the negotiations for the separation of assets?

TheVeganVagina Thu 17-Mar-16 10:13:02


loveyoutothemoon Thu 17-Mar-16 10:15:10

It sounds like he is hoping to get back together with his wife. Are you certain he's moved out? Where do you see each other?

If someone had lied to me about still living with his wife I wouldn't persue a relationship.

tigermoll Thu 17-Mar-16 10:20:46

He lied to you at the start of your relationship
He doesn't want to be open with his friends and family about dating you
He doesn't want you to come and support him at his father's funeral

He hasn't divorced his wife after three years because he 'doesn't want to upset her'. Surely it would only be upsetting to her if she thought that they were getting back together -- and why would she think that? Unless of course...things aren't quite the way he's making out.

According to him the marriage was over for years before he met you -- yeah, pull the other one, it has got bells on. That's what cheaters always say. I expect his wife would be very surprised to hear her marriage had been over for years, when they continued living together and everything.

I don't want to sound harsh but OMFG Idiotindisguise you are being an idiot in plain sight -- this guy is taking you for a fool.

Annarose2014 Thu 17-Mar-16 10:23:04

Yes. 100%. Sorry.

Raise your standards for yourself. He ain't that special.

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 10:25:32

Sounds like a 'trial' separation to me, if they have actually separated at all.

He has lied to you since day one, how could you ever trust him?

Lottie2611 Thu 17-Mar-16 10:26:47

Yes. Your man should want to show you off not hide you

legotits Thu 17-Mar-16 10:30:15

He is keeping you for the stuff that a partner is handy for but not prepared to share all his life with you.

No idea if he's after a reconciliation with his wife but it doesn't matter.

3 years is enough for him to hedge his bets.

HooseRice Thu 17-Mar-16 10:36:11

My friend could have written your post (except 3 kids). Turns out he was very much still married.

IdiotInDisguise Thu 17-Mar-16 10:38:17

Thank you, please keep them coming, so when he comes back and tells me that I am unreasonable for putting pressure on him for wanting him to divorce asap, for upsetting him when he has so much pressure at work, and not understanding his pain during his bereavement, I can keep strong.

And no, things with the wife are well and truly over. I am pretty sure his son wouldn't give a hoot about me. He is concerned that if his son knows about me, his ex will too and therefore want a bigger part of his assets. This is not about his ex... It's about his money.

I know I need to leave, I just need to get stronger about this decision.

mumgointhroughtorture Thu 17-Mar-16 10:49:49

So his wife/ family know nothing of your existence ? Has the wife moved on ? coz 3 years is a long time for both to stay single and nothing be going on . I suspect the wife will be going to the funeral ? Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum now and mean it coz how many more years are you gonna allow yourself to be hidden away like a dirty secret. Something Definitely doesn't add up and you need to get answers or move on ...

Joysmum Thu 17-Mar-16 10:53:00

Him being in another relationship has no bearing on the share of the assets he is legally entitled to.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 17-Mar-16 10:54:47

His reasons for not telling his wife and son sound absolute rubbish.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 17-Mar-16 10:55:29

Agree with joysmum

Cabrinha Thu 17-Mar-16 11:08:21

Utter bullshit.
Divorce is no fault.
She simply can't get any more of the assets because he is seeing you.
Would she go for more because of it? Well, maybe... But you really think someone who has been separated for three YEARS would be amazed that their EX was seeing someone else and go for a revenge grab? No.

And as for time to sort out finances... I had property, pension, child, savings...
I sat down and worked out our assets and a practical proposal (including a little extra complication of taking over mortgages and legal charges) and agreed it in principle with my ex - and all that took about 2 hours.
When someone is deliberately difficult, getting paperwork can take years and court battles. When everyone is reasonable it can still take quite some time to sort out house valuations, pension CETVs... But deciding on a split in principle can be done pretty bloody quickly.

He's done nothing!

Bananalanacake Thu 17-Mar-16 11:15:15

I have been through pretty much the same thing, except my exP didn't have DC. He was also meaning to get divorced and never introduced me to his family, though I met his friends. If he'd said at the beginning I wouldn't meet his family then ok, but it was the 'yeah, soon, we'll sort it out', the constant stringing me along I didn't like. He was supposed to get his divorce sorted out but never got round to it, he didn't want his ex to take all his money. I only ever went to his flat twice in the early days and was never allowed after that. He also got rid of his landline when I once said I'd call him at home when I was away for a week. We were together for over 3 years.

I believe I fell for the gambler's fallacy - I've put so much into this I can't back out now.
And Lottie - I felt the same, I am such a lovely person, why doesn't he want to show me off to his family?

Oh, and it was sooo good when his mum died suddenly, (we'd been together for 3 years then) I looked at him and said 'Don't talk to me about it, it's your business' The look of hurt and confusion on his face was so satisfying, then I told him to go home and not contact me until he was over it, he didn't do this so was already over it. Then his dad and sister died within the next 2 months - he didn't bother telling me about such trivialities (until months later) as he knew I wouldn't care. You should have done the same thing when his dad died - you've never met that person so why should you care?

I have a happy ending, I met a man who introduced me to his family as soon as I went to his home, we now have a dd.

IdiotInDisguise Thu 17-Mar-16 11:18:14

It does, the Separation of Assets process takes into account the financial needs of each part and aims for a fair distribution of the assets so, my property can be considered if there is plan for us to live together. It is unlikely that it will be, but if it is considered, he can loose quite a bit of money.

Frankly, I don't know why on Earth he needs so much money, he is quite well off, but honestly... I think he is going to end up without assets and alone thanks to his greed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 17-Mar-16 11:38:20

Three years of living in the shadows. I wonder if his wife considers him as her ex.

Perhaps, as time drags on and as things are so complicated for him, you can simplify his life by finishing with him.

whimsical1975 Thu 17-Mar-16 11:45:38

Ummm... his ex-wife???? Nope, I'm sorry but it's very much his wife.

So he and his wife have been discussing the division of assets for 3 years and still haven't come to any sort of agreement?? What utter utter bollocks!! In addition to this if his wife finds out about you then all this negotiating will be in jeopardy and he might lose more than he wants to??? Seriously??? I hate to be the one to say it but he does not want this divorce at all. If he really wanted to end his marriage then he would have done it by now. All this nonsense about deciding how to divide assets is a bit of a smoke screen.

Please don't waste any more of time with this utter nonsense!!!! Let him get on with it without you - you deserve so much more than this bulls*t!!!!

shoeaddict83 Thu 17-Mar-16 11:59:11

Sorry but total bollocks.Ithink you are seeing what you want to see here.
This guy is still married and clearly still pining for the Ex if hes keeping you hidden. i would NOT have stood for that for 3 years - you haven't even met his family? That should ring massive alarm bells.
Im guessing she has no-one else then or he would not have problems introducing you - both still 'single' after 3 years split suggests they arent really split at all.

Cut your losses on this one

CheeseAndOnionWalkers Thu 17-Mar-16 12:00:03

Your assets and income don't feature in his divorce.
If that were the case, men would "split up" with their new girlfriends. Divorce is no fault. Even if he cheated on her with 100 people, he'd end up with the same settlement as if they'd both decided to break up.

The "it was over years ago" line is a classic cheater's line. They use it to give themselves permission for the new relationship.

The biggest red flag for me would be not introducing you to his family and friends.

shoeaddict83 Thu 17-Mar-16 12:01:39

And my DP went through his divorce when we got together (they did it on 2 yr separation as had been separated years) we bought a house together and none of my finances were included in his divorce so really struggling to understand that logic? It took 3 months start to finish for the dvce to go through including showing the judge the division of assets, confirming child maintenance.

IdiotInDisguise Thu 17-Mar-16 12:17:13

Thank you, again, for your comments. I really appreciate them. He treats me as if I were a selfish brat when we talk about this.

He says we have had so much fun, we have had such lovely holidays, he has changed his life for me ( I can't compete with what his ex earns, not even in a million years, so yes he is bound to be "poorer" by getting stuck with me), what else on earth can I ask for??? To be treated with respect, perhaps?

I know about divorce processes, I spent years in court when I left my ex, but I feel distraught that it is three years and he has not even bothered to seek legal advice. He told me recently that if she were to get angry and contested the divorce, he wouldn't be able to divorce for 2 year separation but would have to wait until for the 5 years abandonment to do it. WTFF?

CheeseAndOnionWalkers Thu 17-Mar-16 15:28:12

Stuff like fun and holidays are the "perks" of being a mistress.

After 3 years you are perfectly reasonable to expect long term commitment like meeting his family and friends.

As for the divorce, it won't be long until you've been together 5 years. He could have been divorced !!

SmellOfPythonInTheMorning Thu 17-Mar-16 15:34:01

Honey, I'm saying this with love: run like the fucking wind.

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