Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP wants to leave(28 Posts)
DP and me being together for two years, DC is 7 months old. My family lives far and DP's relatives have no interest in me and DC. We had to rehouse in a different town to afford the rent. No friend here, DP is out all day, I spend the days with DC just walking the streets or going swimming. Tried the local children centre but felt people were kinda reserved towards me, not going back. Basically no social life, no one to ask to babisit if I needed to go GP, etc.
Few days ago I discovered I was pregnant and told DP I didn't want another child yet. He said nothing back, not a hint that he didn't like the idea. While at the clinic today he called to say he doesn't love me anymore, can't trust me and I should have asked his opinion. He doesn't talk to me anymore. As far as I know him he won't get back his feelings for me, even if he didn't move out as he said. He has never been really supportive with DC, never changed a nappy or offered to wake up for the night bottle. I don't see how I could cope with two babies even if we stayed together.
But if we separate I'd loose all the benefits as only he is entitled to (I'm not from the UK). Gingerbread advisor has told me I cannot claim any benefits on my name and have no right for childcare support if I wanted to find a job. DP won't pay our rent and even if I get social housing I still won't get any financial help to make ends meet. I can look for a home-based job of course but no guarantee I'd find one quick enough. Plus I have to write a master thesis in a couple of months as I has postponed that because of DC.
If I move back to my country I can rely on my family with looking after DC but no work at my hometown and I'd have to go to a larger city and leave DC home.
I feel like I'm so stuck and don't know what to do. If I tried to stay in this relationship I don't think it'd last much longer; if we separated I'd have no money to support DC and me; if I got back to my home country I'd have to be a burden on my family, live in a different city and leave DC at their care.
Sorry for the long post, I tried to cut long story short as much as possible. Please give me an advise, I'm so lost and scared. Thank you.
I really think you should go home. This man is not a good man. Never changed a nappy? really? Thats just shoes how invested he is his "family".
How many weeks are you pregnant? Can you write your thesis at home?
Sorry your in this situation.
Never changed a nappy? Never done a night feed? Never been supportive? What sort of dad is this man. No wonder you feel you couldn't cope with 2 babies.
How cruel of him to tell you in a phone call, he doesn't love you, trust you. you have a child together he should of told you face to face. This makes me wonder how much he ever respected your relationship.
The thing is if he didn't want an abortion then why did he say nothing when you spoke, your in a realtionship and with something like this communication is the key.
I'm also saddened to hear you won't be entitled to any help.
Going home might be the only thing you can do, if you aren't entitled to any help.
He will have to pay Maintence for your child
Thank you guys for the replies. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, plan to wait a couple of days if he decides to talk through, and if not to go ahead with abortion. But he won't accompany me and clinic wants someone to drive me home, no one to ask though. I just hope he'd agree to look after DC while I'm there.
I can write my thesis at home but my specialisation is one that I won't find a job with in my home country. Means time and money for two master degrees have been wasted.
Based on what you've described, I would terminate the current pregnancy, stay with your boyfriend temporarily and concentrate as much as you can on getting your thesis written.
Can you work in the UK once you're qualified?
Where did you originally plan to work before you go pregnant with your current child? If you were planning to go home anyway, I'd do that. Presumably you can write your thesis from there?
As it interrupted your studies it sounds like your first pregnancy was an accident too? And may explain the lack of trust with your boyfriend - though it doesn't excuse his behaviour. I'd usually be very against moving a child to another country but if he's showing no interest at all...
Has he returned to your home?
Do you have a visa to study in the UK and, if so, when does it expire?
Was your dc born in the UK and is the father's name shown on the birth certificate?
I'm EU and he is British and his name is on the birth certificate. I was working here BC and that's how we met. I can work here and that was the plan once DC is old enough to qualify for childcare. DP is in the house still but won't talk to me at all. I tried to tell him once I knew how he felt I cancelled as I respected his opinion but he won't let me finish the sentence.
cabrinha-how the actual fuck foes an unplanned pregnancy constitute a lack of trust?
Are you sure the advice from Gingerbread is correct. Could you speak to citizens advice too? If you want to work here I would get that thesis done quickly and start looking for work, even if it is something from home as I think that will help with your entitlements. And as someone else said your DP has to pay maintenance here. Not so easy to get him to pay when you ate back home.
I would have thought as an EU citizen you would be entitled to some benefits if you were eligible to work and study here.
I'd be very surprised if you don't get benefits when you have a child! Double check that please!
confused mum I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Let me start off by saying I can't give advice regarding abortion as I feel very strongly about it. But I do see that you must feel very desperate. I do not think you should throw away everything you have been working towards. Why should you leave with nothing when you have nearly finished your studies? After everything you have been through?
I think for the short term at least, it is in your best interests to try and find some common ground with your partner until you are in a situation where you could survive independently. From your post there have been some financial pressures, as well as the inevitable strain of a young baby. You say your partner has never changed a nappy etc, but have you asked him to be more involved and what has been his response? Some men get so into the 'providing' mindset that when they get home, they don't want to do anything else. I am not saying that this is right, but I could see how he would be very hurt at the implication that you do not trust him to provide for you if another baby came along. He is probably taking it very personally, (unfairly) and you did tell him what was going to happen and make actual plans with the clinic rather than consult with him as a couple should about something so serious. Your mistake was assuming that because he is not a hands on father, he doesn't love children. Clearly he does. I think there are very big communication issues probably exacerbated by cultural differences. I think your partner rightly or wrongly is very angry with you, but he hasn't moved out so something could be salvaged.
If your situation were different I would say walk. But I do think you are very vulnerable right now and should try and work on this relationship. Be as accommodating as you can at least until this thesis is done. Who knows? Things may improve.
Also I think you should go back to the children's centre and persist with it. I have been to some cold mother and baby clubs, so I know how it feels. But if you persist eventually someone will start talking to you, and at the very least the baby will get some contact with other children. Sometimes you cannot sit and wait for people to take the first step and be friendly and you have to push your way forward. So go back. Also you say his family are not interested. Fuck them. I would force myself on them. What are they going to do? Shut the door in your face? Their granchilds? They would have to be very hard.
I think essentially what I'm saying is: It's time to muster up your courage even more, and control the things you can. Work on your partner and getting a social life. If you left your partner tomorrow, you would still be lonely, still be isolated, still have no friends, no relatives. You would have to form bonds with people. I know he says he doesn't love you anymore, but as he hasn't left yet I would leave that to one side, and try to make the best of it. Be humble. Otherwise you will have to return home, and leave everything you have worked for. At least here you are able to stay with your baby, and it would be better to move when the child is a bit older.
Failing all the above the citizens advice bureau may be able to give you better advice regarding your status and any financial help you would get.
I hope this makes sense. This is a way too long post! Good luck and hugs!
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on my situation. I asked DP this morning to be more appreciative of the fact I cancelled the appointment once he told me he disagree, but he thinks I've done so cos he said he was gonna leave. He said he has no feelings for me and will leave. I still hope he might re-think on a later stage and meanwhile I should try focus on building some network I guess. I am indeed trying to be humble and walk in his shoes, he indeed thinks he works so hard and baby care should be all on me. We have a holiday planned in a couple of months that I paid with my scholarship money so I'll ask him on a later stage if he still wants to go.
Citizen advise referred me to the Gingerbread where I was told I was entitled to benefits if I worked only but how could I start working when no one is here to look after DC.
Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it.
So would he be happy to be separated from his child? Because you would have to go back to your country as you've said. The child would have less opportunities in your country too (I'm assuming from what you've said). Is he OK with that? How is it that he objects to you having an abortion but is fine with the idea of losing contact with his child?
I would say this to him and then drop the conversation of him leaving and let him think about it. I think the best you can do is try your best to grit your teeth and be 'understanding'. Try to bend. You are doing this already. The most important thing is that you find a way to finish your studies. Try to avoid arguing. Be as nice as you can (yes it will be very hard) and try to make this country your home. Go on the holiday if you can it may really help thaw the ice. Once you finish your studies you can look at the situation again. I wish you the very best of luck and happiness. And I hope you can stay in the uk if that is what you want.
LEM sorry, that looked like I was suggesting that a lack of trust was a justifiable thing! It's not.
But it sounds like (could be wrong) the OP and her boyfriend have had 2 unplanned pregnancies.
Both are responsible for that - and it can be just bad luck.
But - I know that not everyone thinks that accidental pregnancies are pure accidents - especially not twice.
So it might be utterly unfair of him not to trust her because of the pregnancies - but I think it could (unfairly) happen.
The first pregnancy was unplanned, true, and now it happened as I missed my appointment for contraception and had to re-schedule for much later.
Just to be clear... accidents happen! I'm not blaming you OP! But... I think that it does add an element of mistrust in relationships, because sometimes men think that the accident was deliberate.
Your boyfriend had equal responsibility to use alternative contraception when your appointment was delayed.
sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrendous.
Unfortunately if your partner wants to leave, you can do nothing to prevent it. You can't make someone stay with you if that's not what they want.
All you can do now is take a deep breath, say ok, he's out, how do I secure the best future for myself and my children.
You may have to say ok, the plan I had in my head for how my life was going to map out now has to change, based on my changed circumstances. Sadly, that's life. You may not have the luxury of continuing right now with the plans for the masters. You can't say this is what I planned so this is how it must be, not if something central has changed. You have to chuck it all in the bin and start again.
I think the best thing you can do is accept that he has already made the decision to end the relationship and he is simply yet to remove his physical presence and take the children and go back to your family. See their help as a short term measure while you establish yourself. When you have a job, you can have a home, get childcare, and manage yourself as a single parent and at that point look into your masters again.
The other possible options seem somewhat unworkable, eg, getting a lodger to help pay the bills, advertising for someone to live for free in return for childcare (obv the background checks and safeguards would be vital) finding another mother with childcare needs to form an arrangement with etc.
I got you now Cabrinha. Without going into too much details, I asked him to wait until my next appointment, then I asked him to be really careful, but it just happened. He doesn't think I got here on propose. I really want to find a job soon and focus on my career but at the same time I'm really vulnerable and won't cope without him. As AntiqueSinger suggested, I'm already bending and being sorry and understanding when I think it's not my fault at all but without him I don't know how to cope. I'm seriously considering trying to save 'us' for not being alone and secretly going for abortion and telling him later I had a miscarriage. This is insane but that's how desperate I am now.
Honestly confused if that's how desperate you are, perhaps it is best that you return home. I think the false miscarriage would catch up with you and make things much worse. Neither should you have to go through an abortion alone! Would it be possible to get an extension on finishing the masters? If you get a job would you get tax credit help towards nursery costs? If you could get a job you could be a little more independent. Or would his relatives at least babysit even if they don't like you? Ultimately it comes down to your willingness to return home, or 'stick it out' until something changes. However if he wants you to keep the pregnancy and you don't, there really isn't any room to compromise and I doubt he would believe you had an accidental miscarriage. I can't see a scenario where you get everything you want under these circumstances, and I cannot understand how he expects you to keep the pregnancy and then threaten you with abandonment in the same breath. I do think it would be a shame to not finish your studies too however. I really do feel for you!
Thank you for the reply antiquesinger. I cannot postpone studies anylonger and I really don't want to deal with two children alone. At the minute I just want to forget it all. Took xanax and waiting to kick in.
I feel for you too OP and mean my comments kindly with your best interests at heart even though they will seem a bit strong.
I asked him to wait until my next appointment, then I asked him to be really careful, but it just happened
You're obviously an intelligent adult but seriously, read that sentence again and take note of it for the future. If you don't have any contraception, both of you need to be aware and take responsibility for providing some.
he won't let me finish the sentence
There's something seriously amiss with your partnership, which isn't much of a partnership at all.
In your situation I'd take a long, cold, hard look at the facts and the likely outcome. Be very realistic about your future and what you can cope with, because it very much sounds like you'll be managing alone.
The rules on EU citizens claiming benefits in the UK have become much tighter, even for child benefit and tax credits, so I can absolutely see how you woulld be faced with such an impossibke choice. OP, I am so so sorry that you are in this situation, it makes me so angry that this is what our government is doing.
How appraised is your partner of the situation? Is he aware that your only option would be to return home and live apart from your baby? If so he is even more of an unfeeling fool than the rest of your posts would suggest. If he does have anything about him, he will see that the only way to secure a possible good co-parenting arrangement, keep contact with his child and do the best for his child's development, is by supporting you to finish your studies and find work in the UK.
Agin, I am so bloody sorrry and am sending you all the best xxxx
I suggest you give Turn2Us a call on the free helpline number 0808 802 2000 from 9 am - 8 pm, Monday – Friday. www.turn2us.org.uk/ and also make contact with your university's student advisory board or the student union for up to date advice as to what you may be entitled to claim, OP.
Are you receiving child benefit for you dc or is it paid to your partner?
It's correct that you need to be in work to get benefits.
What is the reason you can't work? If you get a part time job you should be able to claim tax credits to help with the childcare.
Join the discussion
Please login first.