I'm falling apart a bit today and didn't know where else to post this...

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

Just before valentines day I found out DH had been texting and messaging another woman, I had a thread about it then. It wasn't anything physical.

After a few days of talking it through IRL and on here I decided to give him another chance as he's taken it upon himself to see a counsellor about the issues that led to it (he has very poor self esteem for example) and he's been trying really very hard ever since to start trying to make things right and keep our marriage going.

But it seems like I can't really get past it. Its not been long, I know, but it feels like forever already. I let him back into our bedroom after a couple of weeks, we spend time together in the evenings etc and its nice, but every time I think "this is lovely, I'm having a really nice time with him", its like a shutter comes down and I get angry all over again.

This is getting all mixed up in my head with the fact that I still haven't lost the last half of the baby weight from 18mo DS and feel shit about myself, I don't have the energy or time to put into myself let alone the relationship and I'm just very, very unhappy.

What do I do? I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to fix myself and I know I can't work on our relationship (and he's really trying) if I still feel awful and have no confidence in myself. I'm such a mess. I've spent all day wondering which friend IRL I could talk to about it but I don't want to cry in front of anyone so the internet will have to do :(

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

This just isn't who I am. I'm not this disgusting fat mess staying with a man who could do that. But I don't know how to go back.

[LineyReborn]

It sounds you're still very shocked. It is, after all, a huge betrayal and a kick in the teeth.

Would you like to see a counsellor of your own?

[Marchate]

I would doubt he has self esteem issues, as it sounds too much like an excuse

It seems like your self esteem is pretty low right now. Therefore he isn't helping by making it about his 'issues'

Sorry you are feeling so low

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

Liney I have seen counsellors previously and have never found them helpful. They just let me talk and seem like echo chambers which I don't need, I can get that from writing things down if I need to. He struggles with the talking so its being useful for him.

Marchate he really does, he's thought of himself as worthless all the time I've known him. If you met my FiL you'd understand why! My self esteem is at rock bottom yes, my DS is the only thing keeping me relatively sane right now. I don't know what to do about that though :(

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I was always the more confident and secure of the 2 of us but it was through years and years of working on myself. I've just lost that completely.

[Jayne35]

Hi OP I feel for you. I had a similar situation with my DH though the woman he was talking to wasn't someone he knew in RL - met online. It's really difficult to get past I know! I love my DH very much but I still get angry on occasion and I still don't really trust him (my self esteem was never very high but it's really low since this happened)

Maybe see a counsellor yourself as someone up thread suggested and really try not to worry about the extra weight, I doubt that had anything to do with what your DH did anyway and you will probably lose it eventually. 18 months is not that long.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I think I just feel completely alone. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about it. I really don't want to waste time with another counsellor. I'm feeling like retreating into myself completely, which will either allow me to heal myself or destroy what's left of my relationship. Or both.

[goddessofsmallthings]

How did he come to be in contact with the ow? Is she a colleague or someone you know?

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

She's an old friend of his, massively predating his knowing me.

[MissBianca]

I know how you feel; it's weird how it can transform you into a person you don't recognise.

I am dealing with it by focussing very much on myself and trying to regain confidence and independence. I am running (well, jogging veeerrry slowly!), making sure I do hair/makeup, accepting any invitation or outing., going to local exercise classes, and have booked a course in something I'm interested in.

All this doesn't stop me feeling crap at times, but at least I do feel a bit more like myself, and slightly less overwhelmed by it all.

I also found that talking to rl friends about it has been so helpful - some have been through the same. It goes against my nature to do emotional chats, but it has been great. People are really happy to help. Give it a go?

[nearlyovertherainbow]

OP, haven't seen your other thread, but I'm really sorry.

I can completely understand why you're not able to move on, but you know there are only two options. Either you stay together and find away to move forward, or you split. Staying, but not forgiving is toxic. It's not your fault, but it's impossible to live happily like that. Either you find something already within you, which allows you to forgive (although I'm almost certain you've already desperately tried to find this), or you both get professional help, in the form of relate, or similar.

How far did it go with this OW? Was he just having too much contact, or was it a full blown emotional affair? I'm just asking because I'm wondering what it is that keeps taking you back to square one.

[Pinkheart5915]

sorry to hear you are struggling to move on.

The messages they were exchanging was they sexual in any way or general chitchat? If they was general chit chat then of course he shouldn't be messaging an old friend all the time but nothing actually happened which is the important thing to remember. if they were sexual messages that a whole other ball game.
Are they still friends now? still in contact?

please don't think badly about yourself in regards to your baby weight and self confidence. Have you thought about attending counseling yourself again? Or something else is to get yourself a note pad and find time at the end of each day to write down honestly how you have felt that day, don't keep it inside.

Are you a stay at home mum? if so do you get out the house often, even if its taking your ds out? getting out and about really can make the world of difference to self confidence. you say you don't have any time to put in to yourself, how much does your oh help out with ds?

I know you say he attends a counseling service for his issues which is a good step. have you also looked in to couples counseling?

could you sit down with oh and talk all this over again? explain to him how you feel? communication really is the key.

[nearlyovertherainbow]

*a way

[Cabrinha]

Forget him.
(I don't mean dump him!)
But... forget him for now, concentrate on you. Why don't you have time and energy for you right now? Because you have an 18 month old and a whole heap of emotional stress because of him.
Well, let him prove himself by stepping up to the plate.
I'm not saying you have to lose weight to feel good about yourself, but you mention it twice...
So how about you say "look, I can't make a good decision whilst I'm not ME - I'm getting myself back then seeing how I feel". Let him step up with his child (more than 50% if he does that now) and you get some time to yourself.
When you're happy and confident in yourself, you will make better decisions.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

They were flirty and a bit sexual messages yes. He's home from work now and I've told him I'm having a bad day but also DS is around and he has a course this evening so won't be around til late.

Cabrinha thank you for your message, you're right. I'm very introverted, DH does 50/50 but has college 2 nights a week and now counselling another. I usually work while he's out but I think I need to take that time for myself instead. Hopefully DS will go to bed well tonight so I can have a bath and read (my favourite activity that I barely ever do anymore!). Allowing myself to have me time would probably help massively...

[Emptynestx2]

Hi OP, just wanted to say I understand how you're feeling, I'm going through a similar situation myself though I'm much older than you. I feel worthless too and lacking in control in my life but I'm trying to work through with a counsellor. I also can be fine for a while and then I remember all over again what I read and it hits me again. My situation is also bad as he works with the ow. I would be really encouraged by the fact that your husband has gone to see a counsellor as he wants to change. You need to find a way to get yourself into a better place. Take care

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I also can be fine for a while and then I remember all over again what I read and it hits me again.

That's exactly it, Emptynest. Its always when I let my guard down and am having a happy time with him that it comes back. (I mentioned college as he's retraining, to clarify we're not overly young I'm 27 he's 30. May well still be a lot younger, I wouldn't know!)

Looking forward to an evening by myself, hopefully DS complies... DH is bringing pizza home later so we'll eat together then.

[Zaurak]

He's in the wrong
And you're looking for how to fix you?

It's not you that needs fixing.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

That's because I'm unhappy with me, Zaurak. I was before and I am now, its just adding to my general unhappiness and inability to do anything much other than mope at the moment. Its not for his benefit. He's trying to fix himself, but I need to be happier in myself before I can even think about our relationship properly - he's focusing very heavily on fixing himself and trying to fix what he did.

[Emptynestx2]

OP, oh how I wish I was 27! Both my children have left home, youngest in first year uni and think that's why my DH's 'infidelity' if that's what it is has hit me so hard as my confidence is rock bottom too. What makes you happy?

[MatildaTheCat]

You mention the need for 'you time' which has reminded me of some wise advice I had at a very difficult time in my life. Basically surround yourself with as many pleasant sensations as possible. Scented candles, bunch of flowers, nice bath oil, new lipstick, haircut, massage....whatever floats your boat. It doesn't have to be expensive, though if you do have any spare cash it helps.

Then bloody well take that time because you are important. You matter. You have to assert that fact and act on it. And keep it up. You are entitled to free time, hobbies and head space. The rest may follow in time.

I wish you very well and hope you can find a way forward in your marriage.

[Emptynestx2]

Well said Matilda, it's easy to forget about yourself with a young child, make that time it's important.