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If you have DC who were planned, how did you go about the "planning"
DS was unexpected So I've never done that part before.
Just interested in a straw poll/stories to see what a range of experiences there are, really. I know that there's not necessarily a "normal". But I'm curious as to whether you just sort of went OK, let's have a baby <throw out pill packets> or whether you had some kind of detailed 5 year plan which included DC or whether it was somewhere in between.
We'd been married for 2 years and had a chat one evening.
Decided we were both ready to try for a baby.
I stopped taking the pill and we took it from there.
Our ds was unexpected.
But my current pregnancy was expected, I wouldn't call it planning though just had loads of sex without contraception
First one - we'd split up, got back together, never bothered with contraception - had a discussion about it about 6 weeks in when we both sort of said "I'm happy not to use anything if you are". 6 weeks later - DD en route!
Second one - I was at uni, we both wanted another but it would've ended up a 7+ yr age gap between DC, which neither of us wanted. I also hated my course and was miserable so after slogging it out for a year, we had a change of plan, I dropped out, had my coil out a week later, was pregnant 2 weeks after that! Ended up MC that one, and the one after, but am now 20w with DC2.
We know we don't want to stop at 2 and would like a smaller gap next time (DD1 currently 3.5). I'm also prone to MC (had 3) so we've already decided that we won't be using any contraception after this little one arrives and will let nature take its course. We'll see what happens!
We've both been largely on the same page, which really helps. We both knew we wanted lots of kids, were happy not to hang around, comfortable with the division of roles within the household, etc. Current plan is to have a couple more kids, then see how much sanity we have left!
When we got married we moved to Germany (DH is forces) and decided to start trying when we moved back to the UK, partly so we'd be closer to family and partly to give ourselves some time as a couple.
With DC2 we knew we wanted a fairly small age gap, but I wanted to wait until I finished my degree as I suffered badly with morning sickness the first time. We stated trying a month early as I was impatient, but it took a few months anyway!
For our DS, I wanted a DC before DH did and we had to talk a fair bit to persuade him. He agreed and we had DS. He's been enthusiastic since we got the positive test and is a great dad.
We've been talking about having another recently and had a do we want to be a family of 3 or 4 conversation then decided to go for it if it doesn't happen, we'll be happy with DS but fingers crossed!
That's all I mean Pinkheart, I'm not talking about intense temping, charts etc necessarily (I know some people do that from day one which is also fine of course!) - just the decision to stop preventing pregnancy really.
First time stopped taking pill. Second time threw caution to the wind and didn't bother with a condom.
Was all very efficient. No seriously, we were very lucky.
Exactly the same as hellsbellsmelons for DS1, DS2 & DD3.
We tried to schedule DD3s conception to time with the start of the school year to save on childcare costs, little missy was born at the end of September .
Age was the main factor with us. Was heading towards 40 so we just randomly picked a month to start so that I could theoretically have the baby before my 4th birthday! Then with No 2, age was more of a factor than ever so we just had to start trying quicker than tbh we would have if I were younger.
Age certainly simplifies some things!
after ds1 my husband said shall we have another baby so they are close in age I said yeah why not
cos I'm crazy to the bedroom for loads of fun and now our baby is due 11 months after ds.
There's only so far you can plan these things. DC1 we'd been married just over a year, decided to try for a baby, waited until after our skiing holiday then came off the pill, got pregnant first cycle, baby 9 months later. So blithely assumed it would all be easy when we wanted no 2. Aimed for a 2 yr gap, took a while to get pregnant, then miscarried, end up with a 3.5 yr gap. Then for no 3 had 3 MC and investigations and treatment, ended up with a 4 yr gap. And now I'm done, no more!
So we have ended up with the "3 or 4" children we talked about before marriage, but our family doesn't look quite like I had envisioned it, and I certainly didn't anticipate the pain and heartbreak along the way.
So I'm plumping for "somewhere in between". We had a vague plan, the details of how it panned out were in the lap of the gods.
I had the 5 year plan. In what turned out to be a recurring theme, DS showed up very very late, pretty much as I was giving up on the idea, 2 years and a few months later.
He also turned head down, as we were considering what to do for a breech baby. And decided to pop out in the early hours of the day I had an appointment to plan what to do as he was late. And also decided to pop out as they were about to start the induction drip.
DC1 - we wanted to try to move house first, but it (selling our old place) wasn't happening as quickly as we hoped. We agreed to wait 3 more months and then start ttc no matter what was happening with the move. I fell pregnant first month of trying, moved when I was 20 weeks.
DC2 - we wanted a 2.5 - 3 year gap, so started at the time that would give us that. Just made it, as she took a little longer than DC1!
We got married and we'd had a vague discussion to start trying a year after that. DH had a son from a previous relationship so we were already part-time parenting (two weeks on, two weeks off), so it wasn't going to be such a drastic lifestyle change as it might have been.
We did a lot of sums to make sure we could afford for me to be off and pay all our committed expenditure - rent, child maintenance, debt (although we cleared most of that before I went on mat leave), 'fun' money. There were multiple spreadsheets.
As it was we started trying a bit earlier than planned but still ended up having a baby at the same sort of time we expected to - started trying in June, had a miscarriage in September, another one in Feb the following year, then had a healthy baby that November.
This time around it was driven by financial planning, a 'why not?' attitude to it, and the fact that I couldn't bear my job any longer - and it made sense to do it at that company as it has enhanced maternity benefits. Sort of forced out hand a little bit as otherwise I would have looked for another role and put TTC on the back burner for c. 6 months or so.
DC1: had talked about trying in a few months but (using DH's job's marketing speak) we ended up with a "soft launch" of me coming off the pill and using condoms, and then not bothering with those every time but not really taking note of time of month etc. Pregnant within a month! I think we were actually very ready but didn't want to focus too much on a big decision point where we were actively trying.
DC2, we had talked about roughly what age gap we wanted and nearer the time decided to take the same approach. Came off pill and used condoms but occasionally didn't bother. Surprised to get Pg straight away but had a MC so from then on we just didn't go back to contraception and got PG quite quickly again without any real planning or effort. Certainly no charting or extra sex when ovulating etc. We had just moved house so there was no way we could be that organised!
DC3 was the only one we did in any sort of planned way. Ummed and aahed for about a year in our usual bimbling sort of way. Then we realised for family planning purposes we didn't want the baby to be starting school a year later (our weird system and our age gaps meant it would have meant 3 in 3 different schools for 3 years) and I also psychologically wanted to be done before my 38th birthday so I would be done with sleepless nights well before I turned 40 (Ha! Ha! Ha! That has not happened!) Anyway these slightly random requirements meant we had 3 months to get pregnant! So I actually took notice of my cycle/ovulation and we had lots of sex that particular week. We hated being so regimented about it. Fortunately it worked first time or we'd definitely have gone back to bimbling!
Having done both, I'm definitely a fan of being broadly ready and then easing off on contraception and seeing what happens rather than having a set date to start where suddenly you are all "go, go, go!"
Took quite a lot of effort and intervention to have DTs. Ds2 however was conceived the very night we decided we'd have another child. Got drunk, thought 'fuck it' and lo, there he was. Child has been in a fucking hurry ever since 🙄
DD1 was a surprise. Once we got over the shock (about 2 years later!) we thought about a second.
Thought process went a bit like:
- current assignment ends in 18 months, might be a good idea to go on Mat leave around then, as we were kind of thinking of moving country around then.
- change from depo injection to pill for 6 months (suggested by doc for some logical reason I forget now)
- stop pill
- pregnant 3 months later.
We'd been together 10 years before we got married, and soon after decided to start trying. I wanted DC split by a 2-3 year age gap and to be in the older half of the school year, so stopped contraception and aimed to conceive in months that would give us a child born between Sept-March. I even delayed an extra month in case of prematurity!
We were very lucky. DS1 was conceived at the third attempt and DS2 on the first attempt almost two years later.
That was enough for us so back on contraception and by now, age has probably decided too there'll be no more.
DH would never have got round to having children. He wanted to get married first, and we stopped contraception after I ran a half marathon. It took three years of obsessing (including fertility investigations) to have DC1. After that, decided not to bother with contraception. DC2 was conceived on month2 of 'trying' which gave a two year age gap. I struggled with the lack of control as I like planning everything. I can't imagine what it must be like to plan around school years etc.
We discussed whether we wanted kids shortly after getting together as we felt it was important to agree on the subject. Then a couple of years later i brought up the "well I'm not getting any bloody younger" subject and we negotiated when we would start trying.
I may have, through brilliant logical debate managed to bring that date forward a bit
The actual trying bit was a mixture. OH was under the impression that we were just not being careful but I'm a control freak so I very quietly temped, charted and OPK'ed to my heart out under the guise of just making sure everything returned to normal after being on the pill. (100% sure he was not fooled for a minute)
DD1 wasn't planned or discussed in anyway, but I think we must have both been subconsciously thinking about it. We'd just returned from a year abroad volunteering and travelling and one night didn't use a condom. 9 months later and DD1 arrived.
DD2 was planned, we discussed what age gap we wanted (about 2 years) and the decided which month to start trying. Took 3 cycles and then I got pregnant.
DS1 was also not planned, but again I think there was some deeper mutual consensus as, like with DD1, we didn't use a condom one night, and that was it - pregnant (I am very aware how lucky I've been to get pregnant so quickly). With DS1, we'd just gone overseas for my DH to do research, and in hindsight, having most of that pregnancy in a very foreign land with a 1 year old and a 3 year old was pretty hard-going but we're now back in th UK with 3 lovely children so all good in the end.
It was more like, in our twenties we planned a life that didn't include dc (PhDs, travel, building careers, work travel...) so we made sure we didn't have dc then. When I reached a time where I was several years into a highly paid career, we thought, ok, now I can afford to take time off work and now I am at a place where taking a year or two out won't have serious effects on the said career. It also a time I felt emotionally ready, and felt we could actually afford a kid, childcare etc. was as far as planning went!
Married and moved into family home - we just had a chat about stopping contraception!
Got married, came off contraception - 4 years later we are beginning IVF ...
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