What to do when DH won’t go?

[Worried70]

I have posted a bit about my problem before and I still don’t see an end in sight.
H and I get on really well, but we have this problem from his ex. The ex contacted me last year via email detailing what has been going on (with a few insults added) to which DH has denied and is still denying – somehow I don’t believe him. I have found no evidence of cheating.

I have told H that we need to separate but he is having none of it. I really don’t know what do to for the best or how to get him out. He seem to be working really hard at the relationship and family but it’s me that can’t get over the fact that he may have had an affair (perhaps emotional as the ex is based outside of the UK).

I do have good days, but some days I can’t sleep and it’s starting to really affect me.

It’s very clear that I don’t trust or believe what he says and have told him that – how do I move on from this? He doesn’t want a divorce and says he’s working hard for us – me and 2 kids.

What made it worse for me is, the ex sent an email to my H with her photo on mother’s day – I was very upset. He was supposed to have blocked her email and I was very surprised to see the email from her. He claims to not know how to block the email and have now asked colleagues from work to help. She actually sent it to both his email addresses. Scrolling through his emails (which he let me do), I found another email from her which he had deleted, but no emails from him to her. Although I suspect he is still in contact with her (but no proof), so told him I was done and want out of the marriage, he denied contacting her and swore on his mother’s life. He has said he will never let me go, that I will have to drag him out. He loves our life, he loves me and he’ll do anything to keep us together.

Apart from this and the thought that he may be secretly contacting her, we have no other problems we get on really well. I don’t believe he will ever go back to her (not that I really care what he does after), but it’s the disrespect from this girl that is hurting as well.
She didn’t send any concrete evidence which I could use and get rid of H, all she said was what my H told her about me and our relationship. H did admit to confiding in her when we had some problems in the past and has said he regretted doing that. I told him that was his biggest mistake.
Sorry, I’m all over the place and this may not make that much sense. Thanks anyway for reading this far.

[Worried70]

bump

[Pootles2010]

Right, i've not read your previous threads so i apologise if i'm missing something.

But are you sure he's done anything wrong? She sounds to me like if anything had happened, she would have proof, and she would have sent to to you. A text, and email, anything.

Is it possible he really has done nothing wrong apart from be with a nutter in the past?

[Worried70]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2506786-Suspect-being-lied-to

I have posted my previous thread.

Thanks Pootles2010 - I really don't know with no evidence. I have a feeling he has entertained her in the past and she's somehow using that to destroy us or me (she hates me).

But that's the reason I'm still here, I have no proof and it's killing me.

[Pootles2010]

But if she hates you, she would forward you the evidence surely?

I would be looking into getting in touch with the police to tell her to back off. Honestly all that thread is is people saying the same thing - if she had evidence, she would have sent it.

And you say he doesn't have chance to meet up with her anyway! She sounds a bit psychotic tbh, a bit delusional perhaps.

[Worried70]

According to her, she came over to visit him.

It's just this niggling doubt in me...it has destroyed all trust I had.

Her email to him which she forwarded to me, detailed all their alleged conversations and not very nice. And I don't think anyone would go to such lengths without some encouragement from the other party i.e. my H.

Perhaps, I'm being naïve, but I would never put someone through that just for a bloke. I have told her she can have him anyway.

[Pootles2010]

I think you're making a mistake. If she had any response from him, she would have sent it to you.

[HooseRice]

Also an email can be easily edited.

[cricketqueen]

So cause you would never do it you can't understand why she would?
How long have you being married. You are willing to divorce him, change your dc's lives forever with no evidence.
It sounds to me like this woman is vindictive and nasty but it also seems like there must be more than this if you are willing to 'let her have him' when you have no evidence that he wants her in any way shape or form.

[Worried70]

We have been married for over 6 years.
It's the trust for me...this is an ex, it sounds like there are some unfinished business which he is denying and because he has confided in her when we had problems, has created a lot of the problems we now have.

I would walk away, if there is unfinished business and evidence he is still involved with her. I would've done that a long time ago, he knows that.

[Worried70]

I meant, the problems because of her

[FetchezLaVache]

Are you just using this as an excuse to end your marriage?

[Worried70]

Writing it down has helped me and I'll think on how to work on myself, as I do know he's trying really hard to keep us together.

Thanks all

[Finola1step]

Erm..from what you have posted, it sounds like you are about to press the destruct button on your marriage for no real reason.

The ex has made certain claims. Your husband has denied these claims. You have found no evidence to back up the ex. You say you get on really well. You say he is trying really hard. This just doesn't add up.

I can understand your red flags have been raised. But if I was in your dh's shoes, I would be starting to question why you believe this ex.

You say the trust has gone, but is it him who has actually done anything to destroy your trust or a possibly deluded ex?

Maybe your dh needs to be released from this marriage for his own sake.

[Worried70]

You are possibly right, she has destroyed my trust, but I also don't feel he's completely blameless.

Believe me I have offered to walk away, but he wont agree to it - hence this post.

But like I say, I'll work on myself and my trust issues and heed the advice of people for the sake of him and the kids.

[Pootles2010]

What has he actually done? That you know for sure?

[Worried70]

hmmm, you guys are making me think - thank you.

But I think the contacting her when we had problems created these problems. An ex should be in the past, as far as I'm concerned

[Pootles2010]

Do you know he definitely did contact her? When was that? Have you seen the email itself? If its true, I agree, he shouldn't have done that.

[Worried70]

Yes, I saw the email and that's the problem!

[Ludwsys]

I think you need to stop blaming him for things he hasn't done, the poor man is working hard on a relationship he has done nothing to harm in the first place. He obviously wants to be with you. He cannot control his exes actions so receiving an email isn't his fault either.

[Pootles2010]

Sorry I must have misunderstood. I thought you saw an email that she sent to him.

[Worried70]

Sorry, I think I'm creating the confusion:

I said this above 'H did admit to confiding in her when we had some problems in the past and has said he regretted doing that. I told him that was his biggest mistake'.

[hellsbellsmelons]

From the looks of things it is in fact his only mistake.
We all make them.
But having said that, if my OH contacted his ex to discuss any issues we might be having, I would be livid.
You are right to be miffed by it.
If you can't get past it then you know what you have to do.
If you can then you need to look to forgive this.

but he wont agree to it
So what? Why do you need his approval to walk away?
If you want out then get out.
You don't need his permission you know?