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Struggling to cope with my baby and feeling so angry

(54 Posts)
SeaIce Wed 16-Mar-16 11:24:18

I don't know if this is PND but I'm at breaking point. He's 7months and still wakes every 2hours all night and is up at 5am. Often he's awake from 3am. He seems to grizzle all day and wants constant attention. DH tries to help but works full time so by the time he gets home baby is in bed.

I feel so trapped and unhappy. Today he's been whinging and crying all morning and I don't have the energy to take him out again. We have 2flights of stairs and the pram is so heavy and I'm so tired. And when I get to the bottom I have to put him on the floor to assemble it. I'm recovering from flu and now DH has it so no help for a few days.

I get so angry I go into another room and cry, punch walls, kick furniture, scratch myself, sometimes tear out clumps of my hair.

I just want some sleep. I can't be bothered to eat, by the time I've made something he's crying again. I keep making a sandwich then throwing it in the bin because I don't want it. I feel sick all the time.

Last week DH took him for a day and it was bliss. I met a friend and we went shopping. I felt like myself again.

I love my son intensely but I can't cope with life at the moment. DH says I just have to cope, that millions of women cope with this all over the world. I feel like I'm failing. He gets angry if I say I can't cope or complain too much.

How do I get through this?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Mar-16 11:32:37

but I can't cope with life at the moment
This sounds like it could be PND.
Please get an appointment with your GP and get this looked into.
As for your 'oh so thoughtful and charming' DH, he's no help at all if he is getting angry because you are asking for help.
Yes lots of women have to cope.
Some with family and friends to help them.
Others with partners to help them.
Some with drugs to help them.
Don't feel bad or guilty because you are at your wits end.
Lack of sleep is a recognised torture tactic. It's awful and can have massive implications so get to your GP and get some help.
Do you have family who can help you out?

Lamu Wed 16-Mar-16 11:33:08

Sound like you've had a dreadful time of it. flowers Do you have any other support like your mum? Even if it's just for a couple of hours.

BarbarianMum Wed 16-Mar-16 11:42:54

I don't know if you have PND or not but you do sound exhausted, as does your ds. I suggest you work on strategies that get you more undisturbed sleep. These would include getting your dh to deal with night wakings a couple of times per week. Forget the "millions of women cope" bollocks - actually lots don't. What is he doing to help you cope?

Secondly, are you still feeding your ds at night? Would you consider stopping in combination with some form of sleep training? We did this at when ds1 was 10 months because I was at breaking point - should have done it sooner tbh.

Ellarose85 Wed 16-Mar-16 11:49:02

flowers for you. Your post could've been written by me a couple of months ago. I've since been diagnosed with PND and I'm taking ADs which have been a massive help. DS was diagnosed with silent reflux too which was causing him to be so unsettled so we now have that under control and life is easier and a lot more enjoyable.

Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor?

Allnamesaretakenffs Wed 16-Mar-16 11:51:41

Are you talking about my son?!! My toddler (now almost 3), was EXACTLY the same - every two hours until 7,8 months old waking (when he finally started to sleep in three hour blocks due to him starting to crawl/walk) not happy most of the time, had to be CONSTANTLY interracted with or he'd cry and grizzle and cry and scream and cry and scream. All day, Every day. Month after month after month. To be honest, it was awful, and I did not enjoy motherhood at all. Husband was abroad a lot and I had no friends because the baby was SUCH hard work, so no one to help me out, no one to go to the park with etc. I would cry EVERY SINGLE DAY, and no one understood because no one had a child like him. They had "normal" babies that would sleep and nap and be happy. They had "normal" babies that would sleep and nap and be happy. I'd punch things, kick things, scream into cushions. I'd sob after having screamed at him "I don't know what you want!!", then cry even harder because I felt like such a failure. It was BLOODY hard work looking after him, and my husband only understood what it was like for me and why I was desperate for even a 10 minute walk all on my own (son HATED walking, hated the pushchair etc) when he was much older and he had to look after our DS on his own for 2 nights. Then his whole attitude changed and he realised how much I needed mental time away from our little boy. It gets better. It really, really does and you are doing an AMAZING job looking after your child. It'll be ok in the end, just hang in there, though it is not easy. I found I would just survive day by day, and save treats for myself for the end of the day (a doughnut, or whatever). Just something for myself. Sometimes, I felt like I was going insane, so tiny little treats at the end of a long hard day with him was all I could really give myself. I would say, get what help you can - try and get your partner on board to take your DS even for 20 minutes in a day so you can sit on your own. I never did, because I was scared of the GP, scared of what myhusband would say, but I wish to God I'd gone to them and asked for help.

It got better for me as my son got older and could communicate more. He was frustrated all the bloody time as a baby/toddler, didn't play like normal kids, loved being outdoors etc but now he's a lot better to handle. We have extremely spirited children, and it sounds like your DS will be a little like mine - empathic, loves human interraction etc, but they are damn hardwork. But they become amazing little humans - deeply funny, intelligent etc, with a deep personality as opposed to a placid kid that just stares at walls all day.

AnotherEmma Wed 16-Mar-16 11:56:02

Definitely go and see your GP.

Your DH (D for dickhead) works during the week but does he share the parenting at the weekend? He should be doing his share so that you can get some sleep and a break.

"He gets angry if I say I can't cope or complain too much."
As for this... I would be getting very angry back. Fucking arsehole.

SeaIce Wed 16-Mar-16 11:57:08

No family nearby, we're new to the area.

Have thought about sleep training but not sure where to start and no time/energy to research. I feed him to get him back to sleep. I try to put him down sleepy but awake at bedtime but he still wakes to feed every 2hours. I go to bed at 9pm but often lie awake until 1am (exhausted but can't fall asleep I don't know why) so if he's up at 3am I get about 2hours sleep a night. Can't nap as he will only nap on me and only naps for 20mins.

Everything is just so exhausting, even carrying him around I feel so tired and when he cries I just want to cry too sad

SeaIce Wed 16-Mar-16 11:59:52

Thanks for your messages of support, I feel less alone. Reassuring that this stage will pass!

AnotherEmma Wed 16-Mar-16 12:02:13

Are you exclusively breastfeeding? Just wondering if introducing some bottle feeding might help? Maybe you could discuss it with the health visitor, see what they say.

FeckOfffCup Wed 16-Mar-16 12:02:32

I could have written your post a few months ago OP so please don't feel alone or like you're failing thanks I completely identify with everything you've said.

Eventually I went to the GP for help and was diagnosed with PND (DS was over 1 by this point)
I have had antidepressants since and honestly, they've helped a lot. Life doesn't feel so dark anymore.

Please get some help and support, it sounds like you are having a rough time particularly with the sleep. You are not doing anything wrong - it is fucking hard work having a baby. Endlessly exhausting even if just emotionally and you can never fully switch off.

It will get better I promise, but talk to people. I hope you feel better soon.

Zaurak Wed 16-Mar-16 12:04:07

God I know how you feel.. flowers

He can tell you to stop complaining when he's looked after the baby for an entire weekend. I suggest you bugger off somewhere for a weekend and leave him to it.

Can you sell the pram and get something you can work with one hand? A baby jogger city mini or an armadillo flip or something?

It's exhausting isn't it? Mine doesn't sleep and I'm seriously depressed. Have a virtual internet hug from a fellow exhausted mum...

SonjasSister Wed 16-Mar-16 12:05:24

Yes yes to all the advice above. Mainly, get help for yourself

But on a more practical note as well, Mine were both a bit like this during the day, I found a pouch/ backpack helped as the could 'join in' eg with cooking - though physically tiring, I understand.

Is there any way you could get a lighter pram? We got something that i think was designed as a 'jogging buggy' - big bike-style wjeels that were easier on steps, and very light.

But you MUST get dh to take him out in the evenings and weekends so you can sleep. Not clean, not cook, sleep. He could n't manage on that little sleep, nobody can. He might be a bit alarmed by how hard it is, he might just be very insensitive. But he hasn't actually done it, he can't possibly know.

AmyAmoeba Wed 16-Mar-16 12:06:41

You're not failing; you're surviving which is really all any of us can hope for at your stage.
A chat with your health visitor or gp about PND will probably be useful. But at this point all they can do are offer you meds. There's a lot of other stuff that you need to do alongside taking meds to help with depression such as
Getting more sleep
Getting exercise and fresh air
Eating healthy balanced meals
And right now you're stuck in a downward spiral getting none of those oh so important things.
This is where your partner comes in.
He needs to (let me get the phrasing right) just cope and realise that millions of husbands and partners all over the world cope with this
(ok that was sarcastic for your benefit but the following list of things are suggestions for how he can support you, and he's probably feeling a bit helpless too.)

You need to prioritise your sleep, specifically working to ensure that you get at least one unbroken 4 hour stretch a day. Lots of parents do night feeds and hold down jobs.

Can he cook or make lunch for you before he leaves in the morning? It can be easier to eat food you haven't made yourself. Can he encourage you to eat a decent breakfast and dinner? I know I find it easier to enjoy a meal with my DH because it's almost a mini social event and very hard to bother with lunch by myself

At 7 months could the little one manage with a light fold up buggy, even for short walks? The buggy problem is untenable.

Hugs, loving words and little snatched phone calls during the day kept me sane at your stage.

If it makes you feel any better, I used to get angry a lot too, almost like being in a rage was the only way to get enough energy to get through the day. But I think you know that what is happening here is crossing a line and you need another way of coping.

Do you have plans to return to work?
In the meantime you should have fair working hours: from when he leaves in the morning to his return in the evening is your full time job. Evenings, nights and weekends are split 50/50,

In the same way that you'll pick up the slack for him when he has flu, you need him to pick up the slack for you too.

And don't fall into the mental pothole of feeling you have to do ALL the night waking because he has to "work"'. You are responsible for a tiny person's life and well being.

Big big hugs

OhShutUpThomas Wed 16-Mar-16 12:10:46

I don't think you have PND. I think you have a millstone round your neck and no support.

DH says I just have to cope, that millions of women cope with this all over the world. I feel like I'm failing. He gets angry if I say I can't cope or complain too much.

THIS is your problem. Dealing with a baby all day every day alone with no help is incredibly hard.
My DH works very long hours and often did 12 hours 7 days a week when DC were small. But he listened to me and we got a mother's help to come in 3 hours a day. It made all the difference and did not break the bank.

Does your DH work weekends? Could you go away for a night and both days? Often people just do not realise how draining it is. I didn't! I thought being a SAHM would be a breeze and that complainers needed to get a grip <hollow laugh>

You're doing great flowers

But there's nothing wrong with needing help. Most people have family support. If you don't, buy help in. It's a short time of your life and it doesn't mean you are a failure AT ALL.

luckiestgirlintheworld Wed 16-Mar-16 12:11:01

To be honest, your baby doesn't sound that abnormal for babies his age. I think the problems might be a little bit in your head. I'm not saying that to be mean, I just think it might be worth going to the doctors. If you found you had PND and could get some help, I think you would feel less awful.

AmyAmoeba Wed 16-Mar-16 12:17:17

I do realise my "get your DH to do more" post might be useless! But lots of good advice from others.
My DH had no idea how tough sleep deprivation was until two of his male friends were talking about it. Seriously never felt truly homicidal until he started describing the effects to me!!!!
Sometimes though it can help to hear stuff from another man. If you have friends with kids, a pizza night might get a useful conversation started. Just a thought...

BarbarianMum Wed 16-Mar-16 12:18:46

Luckiest I don't agree. I think waking every 2 hours through the night is quite extreme (though certainly not unheard of).

OP one problem that you have is that your baby can't yet self settle. Each time he gets to the end of a sleep cycle he's waking and "needs" to feed to get back to sleep (because this is how he settles himself). At 7 months he doesn't need food every 2 hours, he's just looking for comfort (which would be fine if you could survive on no sleep but you can't).

There is lots of advice on how to teach your baby to self settle out there - everything to controlled crying to gentler approaches. The 'No Cry Sleep Solution' is a good place to start. But before you decide how takle this you must get more sleep so you can think straight and decide on a course of action. Your dh really needs to step up here - he'll be part of the answer to the self settling too.


Zaurak Wed 16-Mar-16 12:19:01

This :

*Do you have plans to return to work?
In the meantime you should have fair working hours: from when he leaves in the morning to his return in the evening is your full time job. Evenings, nights and weekends are split 50/50*

Very, very true.

Zaurak Wed 16-Mar-16 12:22:52

Mine wakes every 90 mins, barbarian

He's underweight and so hungry - I could be wrong but j think he genuinely needs the milk sad

It is killing me sad

starjumper Wed 16-Mar-16 12:28:34

Huge sympathies. It's so damn hard isn't it?

Definitely sounds exactly like the PND I experienced. So soul destroying. You feel so lonely and yet your never alone..

Please go to the GP thanks

GoodStuffAnnie Wed 16-Mar-16 12:33:16

7 months is the hardest age in my opinion and I have 3 children. By 9 months things will look up and he will be sleeping better.

Some ideas....

Sleep training. Just leave him for short bursts. If he's fed etc.

Introduce a bottle.

Excercise. Does your leisure centre have a crèche. Swimming will be great for tiring you out and will make you sleep better.

Don't just go out. Go out and walk. Walk and walk, again will help you sleep.

Take a multi vitamin.

Go out every Saturday all day.

Use a nursery or child minder.

This is an emergency. Sound the fog horn. You need all the help you can get.
You need to be compassionate with yourself and show yourself some self love. Remember by taking care of you you are taking care of your son.

This period really will pass. Xxx

JennyOnAPlate Wed 16-Mar-16 12:33:59

Oh love, have a big bunch of thanks

Your baby sounds very like my dd1 and it is really fucking hard.

I do think that you have pnd (as I did) so please do go and chat with your GP. I felt like a different woman after a couple weeks on anti depressants.

All I can say is that it will get better. My dd1 is 8 know and it's all a distant memory. You will get to that point too very soon.

KittyandTeal Wed 16-Mar-16 12:37:04

This sounds Anita exactly like I was feeling in the depths of my pnd.

Having a baby is hard but you should hit have to feel like this.

Please get to the gp and see what they can do for you.

It is so tough, especially with a non sleeping, high needs baby.


FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Wed 16-Mar-16 12:42:15

No one "copes" with so little sleep. We fall apart. Your dh is being horribly unfair to you with that statement. Does he think women have some magical way of dealing with no sleep? No. We don't. We suffer just like anyone else would.

Does he take over at the weekends? Because if he's getting sleep all week, then you should be getting sleep Friday and Saturday at the very least.

Dh (also working full time) would do the shift from 7pm to 1am sometimes during the week when things were really bad. That way I could get some sleep in.

Depression and stress will be causing the insomnia. You need dh's support.

It's an interesting (and horrible) fact that if you take away sleep completely, then you'll die sooner than from a lack of food. Sleep is necessary. It's a type of torture not to have it.

I hope your dh can pull himself together and start behaving like a proper husband and father. No, other women don't just cope, not when there's a perfectly capable other parent present.

It will get better, but right now there are lots of things he could and should be doing to help.

I'm angry on your behalf that he's so dismissive.

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